The first thing I have to say about the 12 Rounds is that it’s produced by WWE Films. As in, World Wrestling Entertainment. As in, a pro wrestling company. Yes, WWE have started making their own films, starring their own wrestling talent, and now that they have several features of sub-par quality under their belt, one has to wonder why. Perhaps they had a surplus of cash they were desperate to get rid of? Are their talent getting bored with their 2 1/2 days off a year and need something to fill all those lonely minutes? Who knows? But while 12 Rounds marks WWE Films’ 4th strike in a row, it IS an improvement over their previous efforts and the best film from their stable yet…but that’s roughly the equivalent of calling yourself the Carrot Top of Southern Afghanistan. In other words, no one cares.
First off, I’d recommend reading my review of WWE’s last movie, The Condemned, to get an idea of the overall quality you can expect from one of their productions. Of course, you’ve probably already read it, printed it out dozens of times, and wallpapered your bedroom with it, but I thought I’d provide a link to the review just in case. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s on to today’s review: 12 Rounds, an action movie (were you expecting a romantic period piece?) and the second starring WWE champ John Cena (following 2006’s The Marine).
Directed by Renny Harlin (of Die Hard 2 fame), 12 Rounds is set in New Orleans where Cena plays Danny Fisher, a lowly beat cop who has just moved in with his girlfriend, Molly Porter (Ashley Scott). Why Danny is merely a beat cop is a mystery, since one night he manages to capture “untraceable” Irish terrorist Miles Jackson (Aidan Gillen) by displaying observational and deductive reasoning abilities bordering on the supernatural, not to mention the ability to actually outrun speeding cars for miles at a time while on foot. During the arrest, however, Miles’ girlfriend attempts to run with results less impressive than Danny’s- she blunders straight into the path of an SUV and is rendered DOA. Miles blames Danny for this and swears vengeance, which makes little sense since he not only ordered his girlfriend to flee, but practically shoved her into the truck’s path to begin with. But, it’s easier to blame others for our own shortcomings, isn’t it?
Fast-forward a year, and we find Danny enjoying new-found recognition for collaring Miles, a criminal that had been eluding the FBI for years- he’s been promoted to Detective and given a big raise. However, one day he gets a call on his cell from Miles- and unfortunately, he’s not phoning from prison. It seems that Miles has escaped and, instead of going on the lam and disappearing, he’s decided to throw caution to the wind and return to New Orleans to exact revenge on the officer responsible for the death of his woman. Miles reveals that he has kidnapped Molly, and unless Danny plays 12-rounds of a “game” and follows his instructions to the letter, she will die.
What follows is basically a clone of the movie Die Hard With A Vengeance, with Danny racing around New Orleans (as opposed to NYC) to complete the sundry tasks laid out by Miles, causing destruction and mayhem while fending off the incompetent FBI’s attempts to assist him. Oh, and further mirroring Die Hard With A Vengeance, it’s revealed that Miles actually has ulterior criminal motives for the game in addition to avenging his girl’s demise! It’s probably no coincidence that WWE Films hired the director of a Die Hard movie to helm 12 Rounds- the only thing missing that would have made this a complete rip-off of the third entry of Bruce Willis’ classic series would be a plucky minority sidekick for Danny.
The thing that hurts 12 Rounds the most (aside from its complete lack of originality) is the fact that its star, John Cena, is completely devoid of any personality, charisma, or acting ability whatsoever. In a film populated solely with middle-of-the-road actors giving middle-of-the-road performances, Cena manages to stand out with his wooden delivery and inability to convincingly display any trace of emotion, humor, or intensity. He’s as bland of an action star as has ever been captured on film- there are scenes in 12 Rounds where it’s hard to tell if he’s screaming in rage or sleeping.
It doesn’t help 12 Rounds’ credibility that Cena’s character, Danny Fisher, often displays outlandish abilities that serve to destroy any suspension of disbelief a viewer might be desperately fighting to maintain. At various points of the movie, Danny instantly deciphers complex GPS coordinates cleverly disguised as ghetto graffiti, runs seemingly at over 70 miles per hour, dives head-first out of a speeding car onto concrete and instantly springs up unhurt, and knows instantly which electrical transformer to destroy to knock out power to specific train line. It’s never explained why Danny doesn’t wear a red cape or is shown catching bullets with his teeth, but I suppose we need something left over for the sequel.
As for the movie itself, it’s flashy and fast-paced, with plenty of action, stunts, and fancy camera work, but as a whole it never quite comes together or engages you on any personal
level- It’s just mindless racing from one place to the next, only slowing down enough here and
there to provide some simple exposition of the plot. Die Hard With A Vengeance, the film 12 Rounds wants to be, managed to effectively combine intense action scenes with genuine drama and humor in an effort that seems almost elegant and sophisticated compared to this lame imitator. The fact that 12 Rounds is the best WWE-produced movie to date speaks far more loudly of the lack of quality of its predecessors then it does of it’s own minor triumphs (such as having a beginning, a middle, and an ending).
All the characters of 12 Rounds are standard, stereotypical cardboard-cutouts: the feisty girlfriend in peril; the mean FBI agent with a heart of gold (who is constantly shown playing with a toy car that you know will be revealed as part of his tragic back-story later); the cocky, irreverent partner; the smug, wisecracking villain…not one performance sticks with you in 12 Rounds, save for Cena’s cringe-worthy turn. I’ve honestly not cared less about the fate of any of a film’s characters in years.
Another flaw is that 12 Rounds takes place in New Orleans, one of the most beautiful cities in the world…but precious little of it is shown that most people would actually find recognizable. Sure, there’s a chase scene that takes place in the Business District, and occasionally you’ll see a building with a little wrought-iron on it, but otherwise they could have filmed in Miami or Austin and you wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. One thing stood out to me, however: Several years ago, I took a vacation in New Orleans and stayed at the Hotel Monteleone (located in the French Quarter, a block off of Bourbon Street), and a good chunk of the movie actually takes place there. I personally got a kick out of that, but it’s nothing that would increase the average moviegoer’s enjoyment at all, sadly.
So, if you’ve been waiting for an unoriginal, generic, forgettable, poorly-acted action movie to come along, then your wait is over- 12 Rounds is here! But for everyone else, steer clear and wait for Terminator: Salvation next month for your action fix. No, I can’t guarantee that it will be a great movie, but there’s no way it could miss the mark as badly as 12 Rounds does.
