(Long Island, NY) On Monday, Jan. 10th, Mayor Bloomberg’s team of Commissioners gathered for a hearing to discuss the fiasco of the “Post-Christmas Blizzard.” The storm, one of the largest to ever hit the city, cost $38 million in expenditures, two deaths, and dozens of cancelled flights and train rides. Many were left stranded at stations, with their holiday-weekend plans interrupted. Over 150 ambulances were trapped, and it took a week before city sanitation workers regained their normal garbage routes.

In some parts of the city, the twenty inches of snow was left unplowed for over three days. While the mayor was out-of-town, no one with authority decided to declare a state of emergency. A large part of this hearing was devoted to uncovering who’s to blame for this blatant lack of action.

At the Jan. 10th hearing, more than fifty NYC City Council members questioned Bloomberg’s co. from 11am to 3:40pm. Those in the hot seat included: Deputy Mayor Stephen Goldsmith, Office of Emergency Management Commissioner Joseph Bruno, Fire Commissioner Salvatore Cassano, and Sanitation Commissioner John Doherty. The Department of Transportation commissioner Janette Sadek-Khan was also questioned for the decision not to call a state of emergency despite intense winds and snowfall accumulating two to three inches per hour. During this meeting, a back-and-forth shift in blame was placed from Bloomberg’s team to city sanitation workers.

Originally, Bloomberg blamed the disaster on the unusual speed of the snowfall. Had Bloomberg declared a state of emergency, cars would have been ordered to be removed from the streets to expedite plowing. Bloomberg claims to have suggested car removal prior to the storm, but the amount of cars still left on the streets made plowing nearly impossible.

Such a lapse in policy has made many New Yorkers compare the mismanagement of the blizzard to that of Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. It’s suggested that the recent budget cuts played an important role in the lack of service by giving workers less incentive to act immediately. Reports surfaced that over 800 workers called in sick during the ordeal. The deputy mayor insisted that budget cuts did not delay the emergency response.

Communication was clearly the biggest issue of the disaster. Though Bloomberg’s commissioners once again blamed the snow, saying it came earlier than anticipated, they admitted that people on the streets had better information. The consensus among commissioners is that they should have acted quicker, and hired private contractors and locals when city workers weren’t enough.

With the mayor and deputy mayor out-of-town for the holiday, Public Safety Chair, Peter Vallone Jr. demanded to know why the command center wasn’t opened immediately to gather information about the storm. After being questioned about the no-call in regards to a state of emergency, the deputy mayor repeatedly explained that it wasn’t possible to determine who didn’t since there wasn’t an order. A state of emergency may have asked people to keep out of work on Monday, Dec. 27th to keep less clutter on the unplowed streets.

Another issue raised in the Jan.10th meeting concerned the disparity between the cleanup in Manhattan and the outer boroughs. City Council members claimed that bike lanes in Manhattan were cleaned before streets in south Brooklyn and southeastern Queens. Brooklyn, which has twice as many residents as Manhattan, was said to be the scene of dozens of abandoned plows because of the lack of staff.

One city council member dubbed southeast Queens “The Lower 9th Ward of NYC.” This area was hit the hardest and was the most neglected along with south Brooklyn. Sanitation Commissioner Doherty claimed that it was easier to clean the streets in Manhattan because there was less snow to plow. Nonetheless, City Council members called the investigation of the sanitation department and the demotion of sanitation officials a scapegoat for the negligence of the mayor’s commissioners.

An issue was raised concerning the sanitation vehicles which were changed to Toyota Prius in an effort to go green. These cars weren’t large enough to navigate the roads and got stuck as snow accumulated on the streets. Reports said that workers were sent to assist on specific tasks, rather than taking assignments closer to their homes. Workers were paid $12/hour for snow labor during twelve-fourteen hour days for weeks. The 15,000 bus tops and 100,000 crosswalks in Manhattan were given first priority in plowing.

The biggest inconsistency from Bloomberg’s commissioners concerned the “lack of information” they were said to have received about the magnitude of the storm. They claimed to receive information about the state of the ground, enough to halt the distribution of salt because it was deemed ineffective. Yet, if the information had been readily received in the case of the salt, it would have been possible to quickly establish a state of emergency. As one city council member points out, the “we didn’t know” excuse doesn’t pan out when all it takes is a log onto Facebook. Though the Jan. 10th meeting was private, the public can speak at the hearings being held throughout the city from Jan 18th-24th.

In response to the fiasco, the mayor’s commissioners created a fifteen-point list of solutions. Some of these include requiring ambulance workers to live within city limits, equipping sanitation trucks with GPS devices, training workers on two-way communications, and providing live monitors on the streets for quicker updates. The mayor’s commissioners proposed hiring personnel to run communications, but as city council members pointed out, this seemed unnecessary and would only create another barrier of red tape to prevent a quicker emergency response.

(Long Island, NY) My friend Alan has been talking my ear off about the pending release of the new Microsoft Vista operating system. He’s one of those crazy people who would stand in line all night to buy the new Xbox system, so it’s no surprise that he wants to be the first guy on the block to get MS Vista. Poor Alan, like many of his fellows who want to be first with the new operating system, has a very short memory.

“Remember what happened when everybody upgraded to Windows 95?” I asked. He didn’t have a reply. Of course not, that was forever ago, in Madison Avenue time, he has completely forgotten all the hassles of changing to the new OS, and what’s worse, being first to do it.

“Alan, don’t you remember all those crummy patches and bug fixes that have come out with every new operating system? Remember what happened when you were first to upgrade to Windows 98? It was Windows 95 all over again.”

The sad part is, even as I am chastising poor Alan, I myself can’t remember what happened. I just remember his frustration, and weeping and gnashing of teeth over problems with hardware recognition, with getting printers to work, or any of the other nine million buggy little issues that came with those first edition packages of new operating systems.

I’ll be damned if I am going to be first on MS Vista, and Alan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was even more incredulous when I told him I’d wait at least a year, maybe two before updating to anything. He wondered why, and the almost hurt tone in his voice made me laugh.

“Alan, I’m not just a writer, you know that. I edit video and write music with my computers. Do you have any idea what some people are saying it’s going to take to keep up with Vista for multimedia applications? Some people are saying you will need as much as four GB of RAM just to make the programs function properly.”

I could tell he still didn’t get it.

“For people like me, it’s going to require a whole new computer with the very latest bells and whistles to make this thing work properly. In another two years or so, all the latest version of my multimedia editing software will probably require Vista to even function at all, let alone in any optimal way.”

A new computer, new software upgrades and patches, more money flying out the door. Folks, a poor writer doesn’t have that kind of cash to fork over to Microsoft. No way. Especially when all the equipment I currently have is working just fine without Vista, thank you very much. That is not going to change any time soon.

“Alan, you go right ahead and be first. Have a great time. After you get it all installed, and there’s some kind of hideous bug that doesn’t recognize your right to file share unless you are hooked up to a LAN, or your printer starts spewing out gibberish in ancient Sumerian, I am going to have a hearty laugh at your expense.”

Why?

“Because I told you so.”

Folks, when it comes to computers, never be first. Not even first in your family. Let somebody else experience the headaches, the frustration, the urge to throw your laptop from the 5th floor balcony onto a row of parked cars. After they get all their problems solved and everybody knows just what they did wrong—and how to fix it—you can come breezing in with your upgrades, and it will be smooth sailing.

Why be Microsoft’s guinea pig?

(Long Island, NY) BBC World Service reported a fascinating story recently about United Airlines and their reported $180 million dollar drop in value because of a YouTube video.

You read that correctly…a YouTube video.

Specifically, Dave Carroll’s music video for the song “United Breaks Guitars” (embedded below).

You’ve probably heard the story–Carroll was on tour flying through Chicago on his way to Nebraska. On his connection at Chicago O’Hare, the baggage handlers literally threw Carroll’s acoustic guitar case, ultimately damaging the guitar to the tune of some $1200.

Acoustic guitars aren’t sturdy. They’re subject to moisture, heat, and yes, impact damage. Acoustics are about as strong as Auntie Ruth’s antique vase. Getting tossed around like a bowling ball? Not good.

Carroll called United to complain and get compensation for the loss, but apparently the company wasn’t in a helpful mood. Carroll’s claims were denied and after many emails exchanged, he was told he’d get nothing and that was the end of it. At least, that’s how the BBC report made it sound…I haven’t read any of these e-mails myself so all I can do is take the word of the reporter. But it sounds about right.

United Airlines should have coughed up the $1200, because Dave Carroll decided to tell the story on his website (http://davecarrollmusic.com/) in the form of not one, but THREE songs about the incident. Not only that, but the first song and video he released via YouTube has gone completely viral, snagging literally millions of views.

United’s stock price fell ten percent, directly attributed by some sources to the rotten PR generated by United’s mishandling of the incident.

While many are tsk-tsking United for being stubborn, obstinate, and ultimately foolish for their behavior, fewer discuss the real villains of this story–the ground crew who treated Carroll’s guitar so carelessly. What is United doing to fix that problem?

United reps made public statements about wanting to use Dave Carroll’s “United Breaks Guitars” music video as a training tool. United told an LA Times reporter, “His video is excellent and we plan to use it internally as a unique learning and training opportunity to ensure that all our customers receive better service.”

We can only hope they really mean that, but in the meantime, one thing is clear. United may have a lot of fixing to do in the customer service department, but it’s a sad indicator of how bad things have gotten in the airline business. In this day and age, if you want to fly the apparently not-so-friendly skies, you should not only pack
only your most sturdy items (in a titanium case), you should expect only to get your due should things go wrong if you’re capable of causing a ten percent drop in share prices.

We have Dave Carroll to thank for being influential enough to force United to say “Uncle,” but there are thousands of us who got the shaft without being able to poke the company where it hurts. That said, doom on you, indifferent corporate airline types—some of us have watched this Dave Carroll thing with pen in hand, taking copious notes. Don’t underestimate the next complainer, chances are they’ve already got a YouTube account.

In the meantime, let’s hope Carroll’s ordeal brings some actual, lasting change in the customer service department across the board at the airport.

(Long Island, NY) The New York Post, that bastion of responsible, even-handed journalism, ran a headline recently designed to make even the staunchest Obama supporter run screaming into the night with a fit of bed-wetting fear.

The headline screams, “DEM HEALTH RX A POI$ON PILL IN NY TERRIFYING 57% TAX LOOMS FOR BIGGEST EARNERS”

Could this actually happen? What are the consequences? According to the NY Post, Congress plans to initiate the biggest overhaul of American health care on the backs of the rich, and subsequently…small business? According to the Post, “…it penalizes employers with a payroll bigger than $400,000 some 8 percent of wages if they don’t offer health care.”

The scaremongering here is amusing to read. The Post article wording is especially suspect. “…COULD have a job-killing effect on New York…” (emphasis mine.)

“New York’s top income bracket COULD reach as high as 57 percent…”

and the real doozy, “That means New York’s top earners, small-business owners and most dynamic entrepreneurs WILL be facing new fees and penalties.” (emphasis mine.)

Oh, really?

Before you fly off into a rage about “socialism” and “Obama liberalism” or “lefty lunacy” let’s all just calm down a moment and remember that no legislation has passed. What we’re talking about here are IDEAS, not REALITY.

Not yet, anyway.

What frightens me about all this isn’t the idea of a massively elevated tax, the New York Post’s fear mongering tactics or the idea that we could wind up with a health care Frankenstein system that works about as efficiently as the George W. Bush’s Iraq war plans.

No, what scares the crap out of me is the reader comments section for this NY Post article. One of the very first replies was some sour grapes guy whining about how Ron Paul should have been the Republican candidate for President. Live in the past much? Listen, fella…it’s OVER. Paul couldn’t do it. He only stands a chance if Palin makes a Presidential bid in 2012, and that’s about as likely to succeed as me getting a spontaneous sex change. She won’t make it in national politics on that scale, EVER. But I digress.

Another comment came from someone who stepped out of your grandpappy’s time capsule. Anytime I see the phrase “liberal jews” in all caps, I hit DELETE. But in this case, I couldn’t because it was the Post’s message board, not mine.

Too bad, as I believe first and foremost than anyone who uses all caps to write an entire sentence should be airlifted to Alcatraz and left to rot with the pigeon poop. Secondly, the use of the word “jew” as a pejorative makes me barf. Not just because it’s intolerant, ignorant and stupid–it’s also a clear indicator of dull little minds at work. And dull little minds irritate me to no end.

One comment that made me go “hmmm” was the one that stated in no uncertain terms that one of the NY Post’s sources, the Tax Foundation, was suspect. “The Tax Foundation is a right wing non-profit with questionable means of reporting data” said the commenter.

I know nothing of the Tax Foundation, but I do find it amusing that most right-leaning conservative think-tanks try to adopt official sounding names to lend that missing air of credibility to themselves. The Tax Foundation sure does sound like a real government agency, doesn’t it?

I must have a closer look at this Tax Foundation to see what they are all about. I have added it to my list, along with the Peter Sellers-sounding Cato Institute, and the gay-unfriendly Focus on the Family, which to me sounds like somebody in a sniper nest taking aim at Mom and Dad’s bank account.

Again, I digress.

The New York Post is quite happy to declare a financial Armageddon and wait for blood, fire, and feces to rain down upon us all at the mere hint of national health care. But before you run out to buy your poop umbrellas and build a concrete bunker in the back yard of your McMansion, consider this:

When I was a reporter for Air Force Television News, I did a story on a flight crew on a mission to Lithuania. We made a stopover in Norway. One of the crew got sick, and had to be rushed to a Norwegian hospital. Turned out he had kidney stones and got some treatment which included prescription for a codeine-based painkiller to take the edge off during the flight home.

Our crew-member was a non-citizen with no “priority” in their healthcare system. He got treated right away and the only thing he had to pay for was the prescription painkiller–about $50 in US dollars. The only reason he even had to pay was because he wasn’t a citizen.

That’s my one and only experience with nationalized health care, and it went like a dream.

Oh–wait a moment. I forgot something. I DO have experience with nationalized health care. You see, I am an Air Force veteran. I spent 13 years in the military healthcare system, which is for all intents and purposes socialized medicine. They just don’t call it that.

If the NY Post thinks national healthcare in America is such a horrible, rotten thing, what do they have to say about what the troops get? Do they really expect us to swallow that such a plan is “fine for those dumb-asses in the military but not for us?” No, I’m not quoting anybody at the Post, but I think you’re getting the message here.

(Long Island, NY) I am very amused by the tempest in a teapot happening in Massapequa Park. Are people there really up in arms over the smell of barbecue? Owner Al Horowitz isn’t as amused as I am–after all, he’s got to deal with the legal hassles, the complaints, and the bad humor of the community. He can’t win here–popular food brings lots of traffic into the area–yet another thing for people to gripe about–and the recipe for success includes slow roasting tasty meat all day, every day.

I read quotes from local residents who complain that the smell of barbecue is “nauseating”. No doubt this gripe comes from those who opt out of the carnivore’s diet in favor of tofu or some other equally soft and mushy fare. But lest I sink to the level of an ad hominem attack here, I’ll simply leave it at that. (I will confess that I
actually tried vegetarianism for about a year, but I realized the pointy teeth in my mouth were there for a specific evolutionary reason.)

I feel bad for Al Horowitz on a variety of levels. I once had an apartment directly above an Indian restaurant. If anyone had the right to complain about food smells all day and all night, it would have been me. But the REAL issue for me was that the constant, lingering curry smells made me HUNGRY. I exercised a lot that year because I knew my food intake was going way up—I ate more tikka masala that year than one person ought to consume.

So I have a bit of perspective on this issue. But these Massapequa Park complainers aren’t taking the long view. Let’s just say Smokin’ Al’s goes away tomorrow, forever and ever Amen. What happens then?

Well, first, the smell of cooking meat disappears. Second, all that traffic Al brings in goes away. And probably some of the revenue generated by that traffic. Are the customers spending more nearby when they drop in to pick up barbecue? Is the local economy getting a little boost here? What happens if that cash stops flowing? I could understand the complaints if the odor wasn’t cooking food, but rotting garbage. But to call the smell of barbecue “noxious” sounds more like a flag-waving PETA freak complaint and less like “We want clean air”. What’s the truth here? Beats me, I just call them like I see them (from over a mile away and without my glasses.)

One major complaint about Smokin’ Al’s is the parking situation–some gripe about customers using private driveways when they go to grab some lunch. Now this is an issue I completely sympathize with–cretinous customers don’t have the right to just pull in anywhere they feel like in the quest for ribs. We can’t blame this squarely on the owner of the business, but it does bear mentioning; it’s an important issue that deserves to be sorted out quickly.

I bet a couple of tow trucks could sort out that little driveway issue nicely–it wouldn’t take long before the neighborhood gets a rep for being hardcore on the parking front. Just a suggestion.

What I really want to know is this—why are people complaining about the smell of barbecue when there’s far worse to be had? Hit Times Square on any weekend and drink in the heady fumes of all that garbage piled up to the sky on street corners outside the clubs and restaurants. I realize you don’t have to LIVE there, but seriously—this is the sort of stench we can all live without, as is the wretched exhaust from all those cars. Why don’t we complain about THAT? Where are the citations for “NYC garbage stink”? (I know it ain’t on Long Island, but it’s a pet peeve of mine. It smells.)

One published report says Smokin’ Al’s was given permission to run provided there was “minimal odor”. If that’s true, Al Horowitz’s reply (in the same published report) saying in effect, “I never SAID it wouldn’t SMELL” doesn’t hold water…but what was the actual language of the “minimal odor” clause? That’s the rub, if you’ll forgive the
barbecue-related pun. Time will tell how this all shakes out, but there has to be some kind of happy medium here. Come on, people, we’re still in a recession and here’s one business that’s actually managed to do all right, at least from appearances and this little controversy notwithstanding. Can’t we all just get along and pass the sauce?

(Long Island, NY) The headlines back in March didn’t look good. “MTA Increases Fares and Cuts Services” wasn’t what any commuter wanted to read, nor was one NY Times article which included a line about the MTA board, saying, “…they could no longer wait for lawmakers in Albany to rescue them.”

I’m a big believer in being proactive. I think the mental picture of the MTA board sitting on their thumbs praying for an Albany miracle is a pretty powerful image. Whether or not it’s a reflection of the truth isn’t my call, but it did inspire me to dream up some ideas on how to “rescue” the MTA. On the other hand, the state legislature’s billion dollar package has been described as a rescue package, so maybe MTA board members really have been using their thumbs as alternative seating arrangements. You decide.

I don’t pay enough attention to the internal workings of mass transportation projects to know for sure. I’m just a wise-cracking columnist trying to make ends meet. But accusing the MTA of being a bunch of do-nothings from afar is both funny (to me) and much more convenient than doing research. So sue me.

Now that “doomsday” seems to be put on hold with the rollback of those MTA service cuts (including the LI Railroad, whew) my grand ideas on saving the rails are moot, but I’m going to share them with you anyway just in case we have to deal with doomsday again in the near future.

I propose we actually STOP MTA trains altogether. We should remove all rail cars from the lines and melt them down for scrap. Then a massive paving project should begin on all lines to accommodate the fleet of state-purchased motor scooters we’ll be renting out at four dollars per day to commuters. The commuters would ride these scooters along the same lines they’d be traveling to get to the old MTA and LIRR stops along the way. Except now there won’t be any waiting. Pay your rental, hop on the scooters and ride away.

What’s that, you say? How would you coordinate such a scheme, make it safe, and above all insure the return of all those scooters at the end of the day? Hey, don’t look at me, I’m just saving the world here, I don’t deal with the logistics.

So maybe that scenario is a bit unrealistic. Just a teeny bit. But what else could the MTA possibly do to avoid the emergency situation it found itself in that required cuts and fare hikes? That’s the real question, isn’t it? Since the MTA can always go running back with its hand out to ask for more tax money or toss another fare hike our way, there’s a question of efficiency that really needs to be addressed. What is the MTA doing besides considering service rollbacks to improve the use of what it already has?

I don’t know the answer to that one. Do you? The thought occurs that perhaps we ought to start asking this question, collectively, to the MTA board on a regular basis. Do they have any answers? We won’t know until we start grilling them.

And I’m guessing they really don’t want us to start.

(Long Island, NY) Two recent incidents have convinced me that Amtrak is the king of hassle-free travel. Confession time–I was an airline snob after 13 years of jet setting across the world covering stories as a military news reporter. I never once gave Amtrak the time of day when I was a hardcore frequent flyer.

Once I left television and started working in print, naturally the travel budget went way down and I was forced to consider other options for short trips. On my first ride with Amtrak I was full of doubts–how could this possibly be a decent alternative to flying? But I quickly saw the benefits–with a wireless internet connection I managed to surf and work the entire trip, only losing my internet connection for about 20 minutes of a four hour journey.

Try doing THAT on an airplane.

Other perks–with Amtrak, there’s nobody demanding you to remove your shoes, or threatening to take you to the little room for a strip search if they think you’re giving them too much jet-lagged attitude. The only lines I’ve ever waited in with Amtrak are the ones where you’re actually getting on board the train. Contrast that with the lines to the electronic check-in, the security line, and finally the wait you must endure while the counter agent cheerfully informs the crowd that the flight’s been oversold and can somebody please please please give up their seat?

Needless to say, I started warming to Amtrak, but after my recent experience with Travelocity, I am positively sold on the rail service as THE way to travel except in cases where the travel times force you to consider subjecting yourself to airport torture.

I booked a flight via Travelocity to San Antonio on United Airlines. Somehow–my fault or theirs I do not know–I had my company name printed on my tickets along with my real name. This causes a problem with the grim, humorless types at the airport, and after three hours on hold, the Travelocity agent told me that all was well, that Travelocity got United to agree to change the name on my tickets. “Just show up extra early,” I was told, since the process might take some time.

When I got to the United counter, I spent about an hour while the United rep tried to help, but to no avail. I was informed that Travelocity could have issued the name change themselves, but didn’t want to pay the change fee; they passed the buck (and me) to United instead. When you spend hours on hold with Travelocity, you hear the same patter over and over about how Travelocity is “your advocate with the airlines” but that the airlines have “the final say”. In this case, United’s final say is that they can’t do anything to change travel agent or third-party issued tickets. And Travelocity knows this.

End result—No flight taken. Three hours total time spent on hold. One hour at the ticket counter at United. Travelocity’s outsourced customer service reps assured me that all I needed to do was go to United and change the tickets. But they were completely full of hot air. In the end I did not get to take my trip. $400 tickets turned instantly to expensive bookmarks.

If I HAD been able to take a flight, I would have been charged a change fee for the name change or possibly even be asked to buy new tickets. All flights to Texas were sold out for two days solid and I was stuck, so the point was moot.

Lesson learned? If the airlines can’t change tickets issued by a third party, book your tickets directly with the airline. You may pay a bit extra, but you will never wind up with a set of $400 bookmarks. Thanks for nothing, Travelocity. You not only lost a customer, you also gained an advocate against the kind of services you offer. I’ll never use third parties again, thanks. The rules seem clear—if there’s a problem with the third party, the airline can’t help you. You’re screwed.

Compare my airline hell with another experience I had where I needed to have my tickets changed. A few weeks ago, I booked a round-trip journey with Amtrak. When I picked up my electronic tickets at the station, they had the wrong dates on them. I don’t know whether that was my fault or some kind of electronic glitch, but the ticket agent did about two minutes of checking, rebooked my tickets immediately and sent me on my way with a smile. Unlike the airlines, there were no change fees or surcharges—I did pay an extra $15 because the fare I was rebooking into had a slightly higher price. But Amtrak didn’t feel the need to charge me extra. They also didn’t charge me a $15 luggage per bag.

Try getting away with THAT on an airplane.

(Long Island, NY) Before you start shouting: I have no evidence whatsoever that New York officials are thinking about joining California in considering making marijuana legal and taxable. That notion as it applies to New York is, shall we say, a pipe dream. Sorry.

But the question remains. In an age where state after state is eying big money problems, can ANY state afford to ignore the potential of legalizing, regulating and taxing a recreational substance that’s just as harmless as beer?

I’d like to point out that vast revenue streams await the state of New York simply from busting non-compliant citizens. Look at our byzantine parking laws. You can park here, but not there. You can park there unless it’s a Tuesday and you’re wearing socks. You can’t park in this space unless you have a sticker, or if you have a sticker you can ONLY park in this space. Unless you’re wearing socks.

Now imagine the regulatory stew that would come from a set of strictly enforced marijuana laws. Here’s what it could look like: You can’t smoke marijuana within 100 feet of any school or religious institution. You can’t smoke pot within 100 feet of a day care center or hospital. You can’t smoke in a public place like an outdoor sports arena or concert.

You can purchase and use marijuana, but only from a licensed vendor. You can’t purchase between certain hours, you can’t transport without a license. You can’t transport without specially approved containers licensed by the state. In short, all the liquor laws would apply to this, plus smoking codes and fire marshal policies.

It would be so easy to incur a fine–the same way it is with drinking and smoking–that it might actually be easier on the pot smokers to keep the current drug laws in place. The utter hassle of buying and consuming marijuana legally will probably send most people screaming back to the liquor store to get a six pack instead.

Those anti-pot hysterical types have no idea that they are actually making it easier to smoke marijuana by keeping things as they are. I can’t imagine anything worse for the average dope-smoking Grateful Dead loving four-decades-too-late hippies than legalizing and regulating this stuff.

So please, New York, keep it illegal. The last thing we need is a bunch of drunken hippies lurching about the place complaining that it’s easier to “score” a 12-pack of Newcastle Brown Ale than it is to deal with all the hassle of legally buying and consuming state-sponsored pot. When they’re stoned, they are nice and peaceful and just want to go to Dairy Queen. Drunk, they are VERY annoying.

To mutilate that Bob Marley song, please “Illegalize It”.

Well, it’s already illegal, but you know what I mean. Trust me, New York REALLY NEEDS to avoid the spectacle of all those inebriated Woodstock lovers. Let them have their illicit fun and the rest of the world can live in peace. Besides which, if ordinary people start smoking legal marijuana, who knows where it will end? We might all take up recycling and quit being such angry drivers.

And we can’t very well have a world without road rage, now can we?

(Long Island, NY) President Obama, you won’t have time to read this. Now that you are officially sworn in, you’ve got your work cut out for you. The 43rd President really did a number on the Great Experiment, didn’t he? Just look at the state of this country; it resembles a suburban kitchen after an army of three-year-olds finished playing chef in it. Every pot and pan has been pulled from the cupboards, the place is strewn with chocolate syrup, flour, and peanut butter. Two broken glasses, some dried blood, and an overturned trash can later, it’s only a matter of time before Mom is screaming her head off in complete frustration.

That’s a pretty decent analogy for the economy and the country in general at present, wouldn’t you say?

The swearing-in was probably some kind of omen. That brief stumble over the opener certainly wasn’t anything like one of George W. Bush’s ham-handed word salads, but it had to be a bit embarrassing up there, knowing that the entire country was looking at you while trying to get it over with and get on with the most important speech of a generation. Sure, the swearing-in was a bit rough. But once you started to speak, who could focus on something so small?

President Barack Obama takes the oath of office as the 44th president of the United States and delivers the inaugural address on January 20, 2009.

When you started that speech, were you thinking about the fact that this video will be replayed again and again for the next 100 years? Probably not. But when you finished, surely you knew you’d stepped beside John F. Kennedy in the great march of American politics. Of all the men and women who have come after, you’re the only one who could manage that feat. How does THAT feel?

“My fellow citizens, I stand here today humbled…”

Brilliant. You were courteous to Bush, in spite of his utter refusal to do any decent thing at all in his entire administration except perhaps refuse to give a couple of controversial pardons that would have landed him in even more hot water. Nice one, President Obama. You have restored honor to the office of the President of the United States.

“Our healthcare is too costly, our schools fail too many.”

Indeed. Let’s not forget that Hillary tried to tilt her lance at healthcare once before…we’re hoping you can do better. The naysayers are many, but we’re hoping your team will kick them back into touch, as the Scots like to say.

“Know this America, (the challenges) will be met.”

“On this day we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances…”

“We remain a young nation.”

FINALLY, someone who gets it. We don’t have the sense of history to understand our past mistakes. It seems you bring that sense of history to the White House. Let’s end the mistakes of Nixon, Regan, Clinton, Bush I and Bush II. It’s time for a new approach. The Romans hung themselves on the same hook we’ve been trying to impale ourselves on for the past 30-plus years. It’s time to look to something new. Not the Christian Manifest Destiny crap Regan, Bush I and Bush II clung to so dearly. It’s time for a President who knows the Bible isn’t the place to look for public policy.How about representing the PEOPLE for a change instead of Mister God? We get the impression from your inaugural speech that you might actually be interested in We The People instead of the dusty old precepts of a barely readable book of stories written by committee a couple of miliennia ago.

In your inaugural speech you mentioned the nation picking ourselves up and dusting off, beginning again. Not even after 9/11 did we hear people speaking like this. It’s about time.

“There are some who question the scale of our ambitions.”

Oh, indeed. As you said, they have indeed forgotten what the nation has already done. After all, it was the American defense industry which created what eventually mutated into Internet. It was two Americans who spearheaded flight and pushed it to the forefront. It was an American company–Enron–which toppled the first dominos which helped create the mess we’re in now. It was a team of American military scientists who created the Atomic bomb. What I’m trying to say here is that we’ve got both good and bad in this legacy of ours.

“We are ready to lead once more!”

“People will judge you on what you build, not what you destroy.” Are you listening, Mister 43rd President?

Ten minutes and ten seconds later, the inaugural speech of the 44th President was over. History has been made, but more importantly–the future beckons. In the immortal words of Chubby Checker, “Let’s TWIST again!” I’m sure you know what I mean. This rambling screen has been written all during the speech, so forgive me if it’s a bit disjointed. An American poet lady is warbling on the TV now…but I’m more interested in the first of your first 100 days. Welcome to the White House, Barack Obama. Don’t stop for a sandwich, there are two wars on and every corporation in the land is waiting to get a piece of that bailout money.

(Long Island, NY) I read strange things in the headlines lately. In the laugh out loud department: Soon to be Ex-President George Bush was quoted as saying people “mis-underestimated” him. That noise you just heard is the collective sighing of hundreds of NYC comedy writers who know their days of easy material are coming to an end. Barack Obama doesn’t talk in idiot-speak.

But every time I am tempted to lash out in print about the man who Hunter S. Thompson derided as the “goofy child-president”, I have to remember that a frightening majority elected him back for a second go-round—at least it appears that way if you look at the 2004 election map of the USA. According to CNN.com’s Election 2004 results, it certainly appears that a staggering majority spoke out against Kerry and for Bush. One of the few Midwestern states to vote against Bush? Illinois, the same place Barack Obama is from. Not that this little factoid MEANS anything, mind you.

When you look at the actual NUMBERS of the 2004 election, it turns out that perhaps Americans weren’t as overwhelmingly in favor of the Man Who Should Be Using Monosyllables. The numbers say Kerry took 48% of the vote. That’s not exactly an overwhelming, tail-between-the-legs defeat. Obama’s 52.9% to McCain’s 47.5% was far more decisive in terms of the popular vote. There’s no “misunderestimating” that one.

Back to the outgoing child-president.

There have been plenty of shocking developments in the Bush years. Watching Colin Powell suck it up, go to the U.N. and swear that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was one of the most agonizing things I’ve had the misfortune to witness on television. He had the look of a man who was clearly following orders–no more, no less. But what could be more startling that the admission from Bush’s own mouth that landing on an aircraft carrier and announcing “Mission accomplished” was a mistake?

No kidding, George. Did you think that one up all by yourself?

I spent nearly 14 years in the Air Force. I was not a high-ranking officer, an intelligence expert, or a war planner. I was just a reporter. But even I could have told our Commander-In-Chief that pulling THAT stunt was a bad idea. Let’s see if I have the facts straight–Bush, the man accused to dodging his National Guard duties, hopped into a jet and landed on a Navy aircraft carrier to tell the troops it was all over but the shouting, even as IEDs were blowing people up day in and day out? If that’s mission accomplished, I’ll sit out the next war, savvy?

This is my last real chance to take potshots at Bush while he still commands the Death Star, er, holds the reigns of power, so I want to make myself perfectly clear. Up until now, most people I know consider Richard Nixon to be our worst president. At least the worst of the modern age. After all, Nixon believed that if the President did it, it wasn’t wrong–no matter what IT was. But I suggest that Bush is far worse than Nixon for a much different reason.

Nixon, for all his faults, had a vision. He took ACTION. When he wanted something to happen, he set the wheels in motion. Right or wrong, for better or worse, Nixon took action and committed himself to it. Do I agree with the DIRECTION Nixon took? Hell no. But you have to admire the clarity of vision, the sense of purpose, the urgency of action when he put a plan in motion, whether it was to go to China or to have his enemies list harassed and illegally intimidated. As sick and wrong as it was, Nixon’s enemies list showed a real determination to WIN.

Compare that with the utter helplessness of Bush in the face of Hurricane Katrina, of “Mission Accomplished”, or the economic tailspin that he helped create. Compared to Nixon, Bush’s buttery-fisted handling of every major crisis during his tenure looks even worse. At his worst, when cornered Nixon knew to give up and resign. He even had the guts to throw in the towel and admit defeat when it was clear that the game was over.

Can you see Bush pausing for a deep breath before taking his medicine? Hell no. Just more excuses, more blame shifting, more passive-aggressive avoidance of the truth. Stand Nixon and Bush together and you won’t see two equals;you’ll see a deeply flawed, wrongheaded man defeated by his own hubris, and one Raggedy Andy doll with a republican tie and a teleprompter.

And that’s it. I’ve taken my last shot at George Bush. A man who can’t even live up to Nixon’s legacy now slinks out of office and into history as quite possibly the finest example of spineless ineptitude one-one in possession of an electric light has ever seen. So long, George. In the next life, I hope you come back as a Detroit auto worker underwater on a sub-prime mortgage and a 20 year old son in the Marines. It would only serve you right.