(Long Island, NY) Have you heard the one about the Oyster Bay High School assembly? A troupe called All Access Productions put on a show during school hours that including singing and rapping about tolerance. The high school students were invited to a second performance later that evening. The kids showed up expecting more of the same. What they got was indeed more of the same, but with a nice gospel surprise waiting for them as the singers and rappers urged students to accept Jesus as their savior.

Talk about bait and switch!

Many people, no doubt including some school officials, were quite surprised by the tactic. Or at least they SAY they were surprised. This sort of thing has been going on for decades, it’s a common practice for an ‘evangelistic outreach’ group to do such a thing. In the past they concentrated on “just say no” messages in the school assemblies, but now it seems that they are branching out into tolerance messages, too.

Folks, it’s perfectly fine to invite people to a church service, but giving a bunch of high school students the old switcheroo is not only insulting to the kids, it’s also deceptive. Shame on these people who claim to live by the Gospels; as far as I could tell, Jesus never had to resort to false advertising to draw a crowd.

Not only that, but the message it sends—no, strike that—the message such practices reinforce in our teenagers is the same one sent by politicians. It’s ok to mislead and deceive people, even if it’s for what we consider to be for their own good. It’s fine to lie as long as the ends justify the means.

On the other hand, can we really blame this gospel group? After all, they are only doing what George W. Bush did in justifying a war in Iraq. He told half the story and waited until we were all present and accounted for at the second stage of the game before admitting the truth. The gospel group in Oyster Bay was merely following the example of our President, who I might add claims to be a born-again Christian. If the top leader in the land can get away with it, why not this group of rapping preachers?

It’s a sad age we live in, folks. The kids were naturally just as confounded at that second rally with it’s gospel preaching as the American public was in the wake of revelations that all that “evidence” we had to go to war on was actually shoddy information that a trained monkey with a Rosetta Stone could have deciphered as wrong.

It’s too late to fix things, in either case. The kids got cheated out of an evening of mindless fun with an out-of-nowhere church service. The American public got cheated out of having the REAL war on terrorism fought on the right turf. No amount of apologies will cut it. Now we have a bigger problem-nobody trusts those evangelists any more than many Americans trust the Pres. It’s time to get new versions of both.

To preachers and would-be Presidents everywhere, I offer this bit of humble advice, right from the Bible. “Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.”

(Long Island, NY) Two Long Island high schools cancelled their proms this year. Media reports said high school officials at Chaminade and Kellenberg high schools cited high costs and inappropriate partying as reasons for the cancellations.

On one hand, there is something to be said for standing against the prom tradition of teenage drinking; it’s illegal and a recipe for disaster. Combining teens, booze and transportation is never a good thing. These two high schools should be commended for refusing to endorse teenage drinking.

The flipside of the coin is that the schools left it up to the students to come up with alternatives to the prom concept. At first this might smack of a bit of administrative laziness, but in the end it seems that it was the best idea—give the teens a chance to come up with their own alternates to the old prom concept. After all, isn’t it time to let those dusty old traditions pass into history along with the Studebaker, sock hops, and hula-hoops?

Best of all, reports of the student compromise say that everybody seems happy with the alternatives suggested. This is a miracle all on its own, but so far the compromise seems to be accepted by both students and administrators alike. Chaminade and Kellenberg could be setting an example for other schools to follow by letting students come up with new ways to celebrate without the expense, the booze and even peer pressure issues that come with prom night.

What’s surprising to some is that after a tiny bit of internet research, it’s obvious that many high school students actually hate the idea of a prom in the first place. Wikipedia, that ever-growing storehouse of knowledge on the internet, has an entire page dedicated to the idea of the ‘anti-prom’. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-prom states that there is even a (jokey) national anti-prom campaign. A click on that link brings up a satire site called “Life: The Anti Prom”. Even hoary old punk rock kids from the 70s and 80s will recall either going to the “regular prom” dressed in their safety-pinned best (or worst) to annoy their peers, or boycotting the event altogether.

Herein lies the concept that proves to be the most baffling—suddenly the old ‘enemies’ of the cool kids, the punks, the unruly-but-fun-loving and the class clowns are in perfect agreement with the supposedly stodgy old principals and guidance counselors. It seems that those who disagreed, rebelled or thumbed their noses at prom have found sympathetic ears in the high school inner sanctums. How do the kids feel about THAT?

Bob Dylan once wrote that the times, they are-a-changin’. Too true. The old 60s battle cry used to be “never trust anyone over thirty”. Today we see that the kids and the adults are suddenly working together on the same side. It’s a strange world we live in. Some speculate that these two high schools could encourage others on Long Island to follow suit and do away with proms. If other schools do follow the examples of at Chaminade and Kellenber, they should only do so if the administrators are prepared to let students pick good alternatives in the same way. Otherwise, the plan will probably drive kids to find their own unsupervised fun. Wouldn’t it be preferable to have some kind of school event? Those who run Chaminade and Kellenber high schools rest easy in the knowledge that they have given their students some school-sanctioned fun, without having to put up with the booze-soaked shenanigans of proms past.

(Long Island, NY) There’s a comedy-quiz program airing on Comedy Central that recently featured a group of nudists brought onstage to make the contestants hilariously uncomfortable as they tried to answer questions about geography and movies. The two contestants had to share a British-style phone booth with one or more naked people. Needless to say, the tactic worked; there was much discomfort to go around.

A curious thing happened during the show—when the naked folks took the stage, those watching on television were naturally treated to optical censoring. Everyone’s naughty bits were ‘fogged’ for ‘sensitive’ TV audiences. The women had two blurry circles, one on top, one on the bottom. When the men were shown, however, they only got one blurry circle; the one obscuring their below-the-belts, their nether regions, the “naked parts”.

In short, the women had their breasts obscured. The men did not.

Some will take issue with saying (in print, no less!) that men have breasts, but I insist that if a man can have a breastbone, or wear a breastplate (Gladiator, anyone?) then men at least QUALIFY to have that center mass where the pectoral muscles live designated as breasts. To the point; the men were allowed to show off their breasts uncensored, while the women were not. Does this sound unequal to anyone else?

Not that I am advocating the wanton sexing-up of broadcast television, not in the least. As long as society reacts to naked breasts in an overly sexual manner, it’s probably for the best to err on the side of modesty when it comes to television.

Or is it?

I remember some very interesting things said in hearings about nudity during congressional testimony about rating music. Back in the 1980s, then senator Al Gore’s wife Tipper was part of an activist group that sought to give rock albums warning stickers for explicit content. Tipper Gore was made fun of for her role in the attempt to ‘sticker’ the albums. Later on, record companies started putting the stickers on CD’s anyway. Maybe it was a reaction to KISS guitarist Gene Simmons, who said it was a great idea because it would sell more records. He felt that advertising the ‘naughty’ content with a warning sticker would turn into a huge boost in sales. Tipper and her Washington friends succeeded in a push to get congressional hearings about music and what they considered obscenity.

That interesting thing said in the congressional hearings came from the mouth of Frank Zappa, who testified that not only was stickering a bad idea, but it opened the music industry up to unnecessary regulation by what he called “bored Washington Housewives.” His comments included the idea that since ‘obscenity” is in the eye of the beholder, there is no way to have a single standard regulating it.

Closer to the point of this article, (was there one in the first place?) Zappa made a great observation about breasts, and nipples in particular, during his testimony to the Maryland State Legislature; “I think that when you’re a baby, one of the first things you get interested in is that nozzle there. You get to have it right up in your face. And then you grow up to live in the state of Maryland where they won’t let you see that little brown nozzle anymore.”

In light of those comments, why DO we have such a hang up about exposed nipples? And why are we so hypocritical about them? They are OK for men to show, but not so for women—WHY? They look nearly identical on either gender, don’t they? Well, almost. Maybe in Maryland they look REALLY different.

If we, as a society, agree that one set of breasts is NOT OK to show on television, shouldn’t we cover up ALL the boobies? It would, after all, level the playing field, create more equality and start a whole new line of fashion concerns for men who suddenly must cover up for modesty’s sake.

If we let EVERYBODY ‘fly the flag’ as it were, and show off the uppermost portion of the torso freely and without shame, haven’t we (in a few hundred years) eliminated an entire avenue of harassment, embarrassment, and saved millions of dollars in clothing expenses?

Instead, we get a continuing double standard. The men get to flaunt their chests in the coolest spring breezes, while the ladies must retreat behind acres of fabric, support foam and sometimes padding. It is just plain unfair to let the guys strut unabated. Shouldn’t we at least cover up to give the children—the CHILDREN—some sense of consistency and fairness? We are robbing future generations by encouraging men to be free and easy with their upper areas. On television, at least you’d have the luxury of knowing that some doofus TV technician wouldn’t accidentally let one set of breasts slide because they got momentarily confused over who was who.

The least they could do is censor the man-zones the same as they do the women. It’s only fair. If we’re truly interested in saving the children, we should censor ALL the boobies.

(Long Island, NY) Only a certified maniac would wake me up at three in the morning to tell me about what he calls ‘the Panty Bomber’. Apparently, Nassau County police have arrested a thirty-something man for sending a series naughty letters to women over the course of a year and a half. For some reason, I had to hear about all this instead of finishing the best part of a fabulous dream about sunny skies, a Hawaiian beach, and an army of well-trained massage therapists.

“Good lord, George,” I said, “Why are you bothering me in the middle of the night over some sick freak who sends underwear through the mail? He hasn’t even been convicted yet, and you’re already getting his segment ready for America’s Funniest Criminal Arraignments.”

George told me that the alleged creep had been busted for this behavior before. “So what, Georgie? Some nutjob mails Victoria’s Secret to his fantasy girlfriends. If the ladies are pressing charges, let him hang by his thumbs from the highest yardarm. If they let him go, he’s another loose screw out on the streets. Why are you bothering me at THREE AM?”

He stammered for a moment. Something was up, and even me in my sleep-deprived state could tell he felt backed into a corner.

“Spill it, George. Is this a case of mistaken identity? If you’re the real undie-bomber, you better speak up now. If I find out in six months on the early news that it was you, I’ll have your head on a plate, just as soon as I quit laughing.”

But no. My dear friend George is NOT the panty-mailing fiend. He did, however, have an equally serious problem. He mailed his girlfriend a nice assortment of sexy underthings for her birthday. A sort-of surprise in anticipation of a birthday getaway weekend they were planning in the wine country. Now poor George suspects that not only will his girlfriend not get her gift package, but that his vacation will be cancelled when he gets called in by the cops because they intercepted the mail.

“Listen, buddy,” he said in a low, desperate voice, “Do you know what happens to guys who go to jail on pervert charges? Forget about a bucket of electric eels, we’re talking about the FULL MONTY.”

“George, are you nuts? Your mail and the Nassau cops arresting this other doofus have nothing in common. Except for the fact that you, too, are a doofus. Why do you think they’d look at YOUR mail?”

George was not to be reasoned with. He is convinced that the cops have been x-raying all the mail in a frenzied search for the man who sends panties. Never mind all the illegal contraband that comes through the post office-the stuff US Customs and Border Protection agents usually catch before it hits the streets. George was gripped with evil visions. He envisioned scenes of rabid police officers with crazy lights in their eyes, ripping open every parcel and package in search of lacy underalls. George said he could practically hear the low maniacal laughter rumbling out of the mail-room as they set aside mountains of “evidence”. George was going off the deep end. I could HEAR him sweating the way crazy people do right before they snap and start smashing all the televisions at the local shopping mall.

A thought occurred to me.

“George…have you been drinking?”

Dead silence. Haven’t we played this game before? “Look. Don’t call me for at least forty-eight hours. Drink some coffee, sober up and take some vitamin B. And if you every mention this again, I will make a citizen’s arrest and drag you screaming to the police station by your hair. I’ll tell them you’ve been sending me triple extra-large sized football player underwear and that you are a menace to pet stores all over Long Island.”

Click.

After getting some more shuteye, I woke up and checked the internet news services. It was true that somebody got arrested for allegedly mailing out women’s underwear. I certainly hope the women he harassed will press charges, appear in court, testify, whatever. If they don’t put him away now, he’ll probably wind up selling underthings on Ebay or hiring himself out as a stalker-for-hire to jilted boyfriends and bitter ex-husbands. Ladies, please do whatever it takes. We can’t afford to have this guy profiting off the patently illegal practice of harassment via US Mail.

As for George, now there’s a bigger problem for me personally. I have to either get him into a 12-step meeting, or have his phone disconnected. One or the other, as long as I can get a good night’s sleep.

(Long Island, NY) Suffolk County police say an armed robber held up a bank on Montauk Highway recently, using a handgun and a black suburban getaway vehicle. A bank teller complied with the robber’s demands and there were no injuries reported in the incident, which has some along Montauk Highway wondering if their businesses might be next.

Most robberies catch local businesses off guard, and it’s no surprise. The robber’s job is to remain invisible until the crucial moment when the crime begins. While some professional thieves are quite good at this, many others don’t do such a great job. There are many indicators local business people can watch for that may indicate that a robbery is pending or likely. Some of these indicators have to do with existing vulnerabilities businesses may have that can make them attractive targets; others have to do with how thieves conduct their pre-robbery operations. Knowing a little of both can help spot and even prevent a potential armed theft.

A planned robbery can involve as little thinking time as it takes to load a gun; others are well planned and sometimes even rehearsed. For robberies with more planning, there is often a surveillance phase where attractive targets are chosen based on ease of access to the business, getaway routes and the proximity of the nearest police.

Ease of access to the business is key—if a building appears to have little or no security, it becomes a more attractive target. The presence of a video camera system can make your building less appealing to a robber. These systems can be quite expensive and reliable; others are inexpensive but may not produce photographic evidence that is clear enough hold up in court. The camera system is often a business owner’s best friend in terms of deterring crime, but here’s a little secret; many large, corporate owned chain stores employ ‘decoy’ camera systems. These stores appear to have a large number of cameras mounted all through the store, but in reality there are few actual cameras watching the sales floor. It’s impossible to tell which is which. The decoys make thieves unsure, and this uncertainty can be worth its weight in gold. Too many cameras may cause a potential robber to move on to a target that is less heavily monitored.

Another thing robbers look for in their surveillance is the attentiveness of your staff. If a business is so busy that employees fail to notice and greet people who come in off the street, chances are a criminal will take interest. Employees who don’t notice the average customer will also fail to see a nervous man holding a gun, a large bag or other tools of the criminal trade. This makes the business in question a prime target.

During the surveillance phase, many robbers take photographs for later study. Time of day, local traffic and any noticeable security are observed from the pictures and used to the robber’s advantage. If you notice suspicious looking people taking photos of your area, a call to the police may be in order. When reporting this type of suspicious observation of local businesses, it is very important to relay to the police that you believe you are being observed for criminal purposes. Telling the police that somebody is taking a lot of pictures won’t get the response you need; explaining that you feel that criminal surveillance or stalking is happening will get the right amount of interest from local law enforcement.

Believe it or not, some criminals will enter your business and ask out-of-place questions. “What time do you close” is a valid query. “How many security guards do you have?” is not. Make note of the time, date and description of anyone asking suspicious questions-especially if they are asking how many employees work at your location or about the nature of your alarms, camera systems or other “need-to-know” type questions.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do to avoid a robbery—with enough determination, a thief won’t be turned away by cameras, guards or alarms. In this case, having your staff trained properly can save lives and prevent complications. Most major retail chains have explicit instructions for their employees to obey all demands made by a robber. Others go further, instructing cashiers, managers and other employees to not only comply, but to state out loud exactly what is being done as it happens. This prevents the robber from misinterpreting any action as an attempt to resist. It is very important for those in a robbery to adhere to their training and remember that many lives can be saved by remaining as calm as possible, moving slowly and obeying the robber.

In the case of the Blue Point Bank robbery, the teller did the job exactly right, according to reports. No one was hurt, and police are investigating the incident. Blue Point Bank officials may not have been able to prevent the crime in this case, but the training they gave their associates gave the employees the tools they needed to properly handle the situation. In other cases, prevention may be the key; both kinds of preparation are absolutely necessary to keep local businesses safe.

(Long Island, NY) Isaac Hayes is the smooth, silky voice behind such hits as the “Theme From ‘Shaft”, “By The Time I Get To Phoenix”, and his own excellent version of “Walk On By”. He’s also the voice behind the famous ‘Chef’ character on Comedy Central’s South Park series. Hayes decided to take a hike on South Park after the release of a recent episode of the animated comedy series that makes fun of Scientology. Hayes is quoted on the religious movement as saying “Scientology is the gateway to eternity” so it’s not really that surprising that he took issue with South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Even so, Isaac Hayes never piped up about the show’s content before, even when South Park took some humorous jabs at Catholicism, Protestants, Jews and nearly every other religion Americans are even vaguely familiar with. Nowadays, he claims to be fed up with Parker and Stone’s brand of irreverence; he says that as a civil rights activist, Hayes can’t support television programs that show disrespect to religious beliefs and practices.

Isaac Hayes is a cultural icon. His music speaks for itself. Particularly good are his older tracks, including “Ménage a Trois”, and newer cuts made especially for South Park, “Chocolate Salty Balls”. These are bawdy tunes, full of lusty abandon and a healthy disregard for the opinions of stuffed shirts everywhere, who want to save us all from naughty thoughts and keep us all freshly scrubbed at all times. As an icon, he’s certainly had his share of flouting convention and “decency”. Aren’t all America’s groundbreaking artists considered to be at least slightly dirty in their heyday? As time goes on, all is forgiven and what was yesterday’s dirt is today’s nostalgic fun. For those who don’t remember Lenny Bruce, Redd Foxx or Richard Pryor—the man who once released an album called ‘Bicentennial Nigger’—perhaps a little self-guided history lesson courtesy of Amazon.com is in order. Or a Google.com search.

Hayes, as a Scientologist, may be excused for being a little miffed because the program he did voice and music work for had the nerve to poke a little fun at his beliefs. That said, could he really be that miffed, especially as a civil rights activist? Isaac Hayes did, after all, utter some rather infamous lines in South Park, including the following gem:

“How are my little crackers today?”

Hayes did the award-winning soundtrack for the original movie “Shaft”, which features Richard Roundtree’s character railing against “black honkies” in a fit of anger over what he considered to be an African-American “sell-out” on the police force.

Neither of these two examples should be taken seriously as samples of racism, bias or inappropriate content for consenting adults. Unfortunately, Isaac Hayes—arguably one of the great song-writers of the twentieth century—can’t seem to see the South Park episode mocking Scientology in the same light as his lines about “crackers” or Roundtree’s “black honkies” lines in the film “Shaft.”

Americans often display a curious double standard in this way—we can laugh heartily at the other guy’s religion, or at the very least stand by and make way while others do so—but we fail to engage our funny bones when it comes to the more personally held ideas about god, faith, and the hereafter.

Isaac Hayes, and just about everybody else would do well to take an important lesson from a religion most Americans know little to nothing about—Hinduism. This religion is one of the very few that features a tolerant attitude towards “blasphemy”. According to the Bhagavad-Gita, the Divine will not be perturbed, moved, or stirred by either praise or blame. It is quite refreshing to find this kind of attitude expressed in a holy book about one of the central figures of Hinduism, Lord Krishna. Any religion offering such wonderful common sense should be made an example of.

The skins of western believers are very thin compared to their Hindu counterparts, at least as evidenced in the Bhagavad-Gita. Mr. Hayes and the rest of us might do well to glean some wisdom from this ancient holy book, take a chill pill and quit being so bloody sensitive about each and every little thing that comes out of the television set. If it’s good enough for Lord Krishna, it may well do the rest of us some benefit as well. Here’s hoping.

(Long Island, NY) An alleged scam involving fake defensive driving certificates is a hot topic in Suffolk County after the arraignment of a state court officer from Kings Park. According to published reports, customers were recruited for the bogus certificates for about fifty dollars each. The certificates were filed with the Department of Motor Vehicles; those who paid up got back on the road with no worries, certificates clutched in sweaty palms as they lurch back into traffic.

Any good officer of the court will tell you that those accused of running the defensive driving scam are innocent until proven guilty, but it does make one wonder how long this has been going on, with how many scammers, and for what kinds of traffic offenses? Are those who ponied up fifty bucks a pop merely speed-limit scofflaws? Are they red-light runners? Joyriders out for a bit of fun with a six-pack of beer and a carton of smokes?

A long, long time ago, the lead singer of the punk rock band Dead Kennedys ran for office during a controversial mayoral race in San Francisco. Part of singer Jello Biafra’s platform included banning all cars from the city limits. While some may consider this step to be slightly extreme, it would certainly put an end to traffic court scammers. Rumor has it that any move to put an end to Long Island’s dependence on motor vehicle traffic will be met with armed resistance, so perhaps a less radical solution is in order.

The late gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson, author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, once ran for sheriff of Aspen. On his platform, if memory serves, Thompson proposed establishing a standardized set of bribes for city officials, which would ensure fair and equitable graft for everyone, and not just those who had large bank accounts.

Everybody laughed at Thompson back then, but nobody in Suffolk County is laughing now. The vision of thousands of drivers who potentially got off cheap by paying the fifty dollar bribe—allegedly, of course—is too much for those who broke the law, got their traffic tickets, then forced themselves to endure an actual defensive driving course. You can picture them slapping their foreheads in disgust. “You mean all I had to do was pay a BRIBE?”

Yes, folks, a standardized board of bribery would do the trick. EVERYBODY could have free and equal access to the kinds of graft, corruption, and back door dealings that politicians, state officials and Roslyn school district honchos currently enjoy. In the meantime, until we get some kind of fair and equitable solution, until the whole state can participate in the dirty deals, we’ll just have keep the dream alive through a grass-roots movement—a bit like the one allegedly set up by that court officer from Kings Park. He’s really a hero, if you think about it. If the officer truly did operate such a scam, let it be an example for the rest of us. Get out of your easy chair and shout—GRAFT FOR EVERYONE!

Oh, and barring that, some kind of restitution for everyone in Suffolk who really DID go to Defensive Driving class would be nice.

Identity theft happens in a variety of ways. The mental image that springs to mind is of a lone bad guy, trying to cheat the system by using stolen cards to pick up a big-ticket item; a television, a stereo system, etc. This stereotype, while not completely inaccurate, is a fairly complete picture of what happens. Most people are familiar with the end results when your purse or wallet is lost or stolen—people try to use the credit cards, checks and drivers licenses before the cards are cancelled, maxxed out, or voided. What isn’t so well known is exactly how the contents are used. What you learn may surprise you.

The driver’s license can be used in a number of ways; having this ‘alternate’ ID is the most well-known way to access goods and services denied to someone with either a bad driving record, those ineligible to hold a license, or someone with a criminal background. The thief who vaguely resembles the picture on your ID will try to use that ID along with your credit cards. Mel Gibson’s character in the movie Payback made a point to pick the pockets of people who looked like him. If you think that the average thief isn’t smart enough to consider this tactic, guess again-some thieves group together and try to match the stolen ID to the face of one of the group.

Your drivers license number can be used to do a number of things in your name—the most troublesome of these, believe it or not, is often car rental. On the surface it doesn’t seem like a major problem—after all, once you have established that your ID was stolen, the car company will take your name off the fraudulent transaction, right? While this may be the case, you may have to deal with a police inquiry if a third party has rented a vehicle in your name for use as a getaway car for a robbery, drug deal or other crime. You will get it all sorted out in the end, but the inconvenience and potential embarrassment is something most people never dreamed could happen, all over a missing license.

Professional thieves take full advantage of your ID and credit/debit/ATM cards. They understand that there is a limited amount of time that they can safely use your credit, your likeness and your name. Once they have obtained a purse or wallet, no time is wasted going to the shopping mall to make large purchases, later to be returned or exchanged, with receipt in hand. The returns are done for quick cash, and large amounts of returns can indicate pooling of money for drugs or other illegal activities. Many groups drive up and down in strip malls with trucks or vans, letting members of their crews out in front of Old Navy, Nordstroms, Borders and other retail outlets. The thieves enter the store, grab hundreds of dollars of merchandise off the racks without looking at sizes, prices or colors, then get in line for the quick score. The merchandise returns are made later, and usually without fear; those doing the returns sometimes try to brazenly steal additional merchandise in the same store.

There has been a great increase in the policy many retailers now use of only crediting merchandise returns back to the original card and not giving cash back for a credit card purchase. Thanks to these retailers, thieves often must resort to using a “fence” to whom they will sell the stolen goods. These items later wind up at flea markets, for sale on the internet, and sometimes even overseas for sale in open-air markets or tourist attractions. Whatever the final destination, there is still a large underground market for stolen merchandise whether purchased by credit card or stolen by organized groups of shoplifters.

There are many ways to protect yourself against these people. One of the best ways is to get into the habit of not signing your credit cards—instead, write the phrase “see ID” on the back. There is a minor inconvenience in having to show your license every time you make a purchase, but the safety factor is well worth the hassle. When you lose your credit cards or license, it’s critical to make a report immediately—the thieves are already trying to use your personal info for their own purposes.

At some point, just about everyone will lose their credit cards, their identification, anything not nailed down that you must carry with you on a day to day basis. The key is to be prepared for that day, act quickly, and shut down the flow of credit from your cards as soon as possible. Report your ID stolen to the proper authorities, and get in touch with a credit counseling agency to see what can be done to stop any potential damage to your credit rating while you are sorting out the mess.

(Long Island, NY) The late comedian Sam Kinison once made a tasteless joke about the plight of starving people in Africa. “Why don’t they move to where the food is?” Kinison raged, giving his trademark howl, to much laughter from the audience. Sure, it’s insensitive. Of course it’s tasteless. And yes, many people agreed that the statement was funny. After all, “comedy is when it happens to you,” the old saying goes, “tragedy is when it happens to me.”

After last year’s disastrous hurricane season, people outside Long Beach are no doubt wondering why residents there are willing to live in a potential flood zone. New York outsiders scratch their heads as they ponder the local version of Kinison’s joke. Why don’t the Long Beachers move away from the risky areas and let nature do its work? “Those Long Beach types must” one muses, “all have GREAT flood insurance.”

Of course, it’s far too late for any exodus-type thinking; hence the Army Corps of Engineers fifty year, $220 million dollar project for fortifying the Long Beach oceanfront against future storms. The idea is good, but the details are less assuring. There are questions about where the money for such a project would come from, and on top of the huge money issue, the Corps of Engineers admits that even this project won’t prevent bay flooding from the north.

“Those Long Beach types must have GREAT flood insurance.”

The expensive (and very long-term) project would add some much needed security against rising waters, but in the meantime the threat of a major storm and its consequences are still very real. There won’t be any flood-fearing exodus from Long Beach today, tomorrow, or next year; those who live in there accept the risks. It’s the classic case of an irresistible force—the storm and subsequent rising waters—versus the immovable force—the population of Long Beach. A flood will come, sooner or later, but it’s human nature to stick around, hope for the best and keep your fingers crossed. Even some of those who fled Hurricane Katrina waited until the very last moment to get out of town.

Of course, getting out of town is only half the problem. What to do with the flooded out remains of everything you ever owned is the other half. Some landowners may live in areas required by federal law to have flood insurance—those living in a 100-year floodplain, for example. If you live or own a building in these areas, your lender has required you to take out the insurance. Other areas aren’t so strict. In the wake of the last round of hurricanes and tropical storms, it’s clear that those without insurance in a potential high-water area are living on borrowed time when it comes to keeping or losing everything they have. “Those Long Beach types NEED great flood insurance.”

The Corps of Engineers want to help Long Beach, and those who are affected by potential flooding are certainly grateful for any consideration at all. The protection offered by the plan certainly won’t be fully available for decades; some may well wonder what happens if a major storm comes along and wipes out the project’s progress?

All of this leads back around to the original question. Why not just move away from the high water zone? The question is pointless, of course. Nobody is going to run from the big bad storm…until it actually shows up. It’s the same kind of human nature at work as those who laughed at Sam Kinison’s joke about the starving masses in Africa. Comedy is when it happens to somebody else. The only question is, how long until the laughs run out? Flood insurance is expensive, but it’s probably best to get a hold of some while you’re still laughing.

(Long Island, NY) Shock Jock Erich “Mancow” Muller has railed against eminent domain for quite some time. On his nationally syndicated show, “Mancow’s Morning Madhouse,” he announces (sometimes on a daily basis) that the practice is immoral and contrary to American values. Many people agree with him, most recently the owners of the Deepdale Golf Club in North Hills. They are suing the village of North Hills to block the private club from being condemned and re-designated as public property. According to lawyers for the golf club, this is an abuse of eminent domain and should be blocked.

Eminent domain began as an issue addressed by the Fifth Amendment, which states quite clearly no private property may be seized by the government for public use without “just compensation”. The problem with the Fifth Amendment? There is no clear definition of what just compensation should be. Most judges would interpret the compensation portion of the amendment as a fair market price for the property, but this is subject to interpretation.

Today, the local or state government may seize private property (in exchange for compensation) and turn it over to developers under the guise of civic or economic growth. At one time, this practice was more limited in scope, but in the 1920s the Supreme Court ruled that cities could condemn slum areas using Eminent domain. A more recent ruling, in February 2005, included language that allows local government greater latitude to seize private lands for economic development. In plain language, this means that if a mom-and-pop tire store could be condemned to make way for a larger corporate business that pays more taxes, the local government has the theoretical right to make it happen.

The owners of Deepdale filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court to block the village of North Hills from taking over the private golf course and turning it over for what it calls “public use.” Part of the legal action inspired by the village’s preliminary action to claim Deepdale under eminent domain? Accusations that a shady deal was stuck between the village of North Hills and a local developer that would let the developer build on environmentally sensitive land in exchange for capital to use on the eminent domain deal.

If the accusations are found to be true, many people would no doubt draw the conclusion that the village of North Hills is out of control and needs to be brought back into service “by the people, for the people;” preferably with a decisive vote in the next election. If this aspect of the eminent domain controversy in North Hills turns out to be something less than sinister, it still does not lay to rest the suspicion that, under such use of the eminent domain laws, no private property is truly safe.

Eminent domain, as Mancow Muller says, is a serious issue which affects the central character of the nation as put into law by the founding fathers. It may be strange to hear a morning radio show host discussing such a serious political issue in the ‘prime time’ of an otherwise zany radio program, but more and more Americans find themselves affected by the issue, and not for the better.

America operates on a very basic set of assumptions that are threatened by eminent domain in general, and the way North Hills officials are conducting themselves in particular. The village seeks to condemn the Deepdale course, then turn it over for public use, presumably as a municipal golf course. One problem apparent to anyone not drowning in a sea of legalese, politics-as-usual, and lawyer-think; how can the city condemn a property one moment, then declare it fit for public use in the next?

Private golf clubs are by their very nature, exclusive. A membership fee implies the desire to keep memberships to a certain number, or at the very least under a tighter control in terms of requirements, behavior or membership duties than a business open to the public. Even if the requirement of a membership is a formality, it still excludes the public at large in favor of a smaller minority. Regardless of whether this is desirable or not, private property is just that–private. If a home or land buy is threatened by the notion of whether or not the government at the local, state, or federal level can simply step in and buy out the land with no consent from the owner, the entire system of real estate in America is in jeopardy. Land values may not reflect this danger today, tomorrow, or even in five years—but if the current trend of eminent domain abuse continues, the incentive for Americans to own land will certainly be lowered. The Supreme Court made the current situation possible by setting legal precedent. While it is up to local governments to decide if and when to invoke eminent domain, the Supreme Court may be needed to give a major ‘course correction’ for the entire nation. In the meantime, American landowners ignore this issue at their peril.