(Long Island, NY) I was listening to the great NPR show “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” when the panel of the comedy quiz show started discussing a Salt Lake City Republican congressional candidate. Apparently, this gent started blaming his election woes on…The Devil.

I laughed so hard I spilled my coffee. The DEVIL? The guy who does his business with a pitchfork?

Now, folks, a bit of advice for navigating the rest of this article; when you see the phrase “The Devil” capitalized as I have written, it is advisable that you think that phrase to yourself in a sort of Arnold Schwartzenegger-style “Terminator” voice. It’s fun, and helps to get the point across.

Bringing The Devil on board as a handy, all-purpose excuse makes great sense as part of a political platform. When things start going badly—you can’t find the weapons of mass destruction you told everyone about, or you get involved in a war before even thinking of an exit strategy, you can absolve yourself of any responsibility by reminding people about…The Devil.

“The Devil is the one responsible for the disappearance of all those weapons of mass destruction,” the political pundits could say, “and we’re going to need a lot of extra prayers and tax money to find where Old Scratch has stashed them.”

This tactic has actually been used, believe it or not. Way back when, before computers, when people took heroin as a cure for asthma, and puppet shows were the equivalent of television, there was a great deal of fuss over Darwin’s ideas about evolution. Many people tried to come up with some kind of idea that could please the church while answering those pesky scientific questions raised by the discovery of fossils and other evidence. “God created the universe,” these people explained, “but those so-called dinosaur bones were put in the earth by…The Devil.”

I am really curious to know what Darwin said, after he stopped laughing.

In science, these kinds of explanations are dismissed as pure nonsense. In the political world, they carry a bit more weight. When asked about those missing weapons of mass destruction, the President and his cabinet responded by saying that they believed in the intelligence they had gotten from the area. When questions were raised about that intelligence, it came out that some of it was total speculation, some of it was old news, and some came from rather questionable sources. America has the most sophisticated intelligence gathering technology and most highly trained intel crews in the world. Are we really expected to believe that they didn’t know that this info was dodgy, flimsy, and in some cases, downright fabricated?

Maybe that intel came from the ancestors of the people who said that dino bones are The Devil’s work.

The Salt Lake City Republican should feel right at home in Congress when the President and his cabinet are playing such verbal shell games. When serious questions were raised about the problems in Iraq, President Bush helpfully responded by getting seriously irate about gay marriage and illegal immigration. Thanks, George. You’re the best.

It’s clear that a man who blames The Devil for his troubles could be a vital asset to Mr. Bush, or any other President, for that matter. After all, anybody who can deny responsibility in such a way already knows “where it’s at.” By refusing to step up and answer for his problems, our Salt Lake City friend follows a long precedent set by politicians in both parties. This Devil tactic is an old one, but in the current political climate it has a fresh ring to it. It’s possible that our Republican from Salt Lake City could start a new wave in American politics. Instead of appealing to common sense, hard work, and a much-needed sense of digging in for the long haul in order to fix America’s problems, we could continue to stick our collective heads in the sand and get nothing fixed…

…and it would all be The Devil’s fault!

(Long Island, NY) My mailbox a daily dose of useless junk mail. On a weekly basis, a small forest is destroyed in the name of The Gap, Capitol One credit card offers, loan consolidation companies, and Bed Bath And Beyond. If I could ever figure out where to direct my anger, it would soon turn into Bloodbath and Beyond.

To the boys at the FBI: I am KIDDING. We writers talk a lot about violent reactions to ordinary trifles. A friend of mine yearns to mount a rocket launcher on the roof of his car, to be used at people going the wrong way down one-way streets. I personally would save my attacks for those idiots you get on the road who use their horns pointlessly. You know the ones, you take half a millisecond longer to hit the gas when the light goes green and they are already honking at you like you had fallen asleep at the wheel. The fewer of those people we have on the road, the better. It would only take two or three smoking craters where honking cars used to be to make the point.

But I digress.

On the junk mail front, my inbox gets a flood of similar nonsense, but it’s far more interesting that what shows up in the mail. The subject lines are hilarious, and could be interpreted as some kind of bizarre, wrongheaded Dadaist poetry.

My favorite subject line to date reads “Your future, night-parrot”. What the HELL? In addition to being rather bewildering, it’s totally hilarious to someone like me, with a sense of humor so warped that I should probably be institutionalized. How warped is that? Well, years ago at the premiere of Paul Verhoeven’s ultra-violent sci-fi movie Starship Troopers, I was the only person in the theater who was laughing. For some reason, the idea of giant bugs fighting a war with the humans in outer space was just too funny. It didn’t help that the actors were forced to spout ridiculous dialogue; “It’s some kinda…smart bug. A BRAIN bug!”

Some of the spam I get is insultingly funny. “R U tired of being a fat-ass?” Ummm, somebody direct this genius to a Marketing 101 class, where the first rule is NOT to alienate your potential customers. I yearn to fire back at these dorks something along the lines of “Dear Sir, would you kindly find a seat on the nearest land mine?” Alas, any reply at all only encourages them to send more brain dead nonsense. “Is your girl tired of your lousy performance in bed? Skyscraper Kidney”

The spam pains me because there is no real solution to getting rid of it. If only I could do with the unwanted emails what I do with the junk mail. If I have a repeat offender, I save ALL my junk mail for a year and mail it to them, postage due. You could technically do the same with a brick, but in the days of terrorist fear mongering on behalf of our lovely elected government, you are probably much better off just sending the mail back.

Once I send off my little package to the junk mailers, they usually get the hint. The spam, on the other hand, just keeps on rolling in. “Get your college degree online Pig Stamper”

All that legislation a few years ago was supposed to make a crime out of the spam, but there seems to be no stopping it. Today we’re stuck with these bozos, and I for one would like to know exactly how they are making money off of any of this. I can’t see how it’s done. I try to picture the average spammer in my head and come up with a vision of someone who is part slimy used car salesman, part slack-jawed yokel, and part stoner.

If I ever catch up with any of these bozos, I have a fitting punishment for them. They should be forced to either deal with an entire year’s worth of junk emails—reading, deleting, and emptying the trash folder—at some large apartment complex. They would have to deal with everyone’s spam until the volume they delete matches the amount of spam the offender has himself sent out. Or they could be locked in a padded cell and be forced to listen to the mindless driveling of the Gangsta Rapper Of The Week, at top volume, 24 hours a day. There would be a short reprieve for a rest room break, and then right back into the “music”.

This would teach the spammer nothing, but would at least cause as much grief as he or she has perpetuated by emailing, “Toothpaste lost its flavor? Pre-Dental Corn Wash”. I could live with that.

(Long Island, NY) There are some studies out now which indicate that in some cases, cell phones can “excite” certain areas of the brain closest to the phone. It really is a shame that for many, this is the only part of the brain that is active during phone use. Take the driver yakking away in the middle of traffic, for example. This is a prime example of someone who is not merely happy appearing like a total dingbat; they also insist on posing a hazard to the rest of us in the process.

What can we do about these idiots? Invariably, the guy in the SUV who cut you off at the last second is using a cell phone. That half-asleep person in the mini-van going ten miles an hour slower than the rest? Ditto.

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

I thought long an hard about a solution to this problem, but unfortunately, my answer is totally illegal in the U.S. Did you know that in other countries, you can purchase cell phone JAMMING DEVICES? Many countries already employ these little electronic marvels in restaurants, cinemas, and libraries—at least according to what I read. What a fabulous idea? Imagine being able to whip out a little box you can aim at the ding-dong who nearly killed you in traffic just now. With the press of a button, the conversation is over, they suddenly look around like the startled sheep that they are, and actually pay attention to the road for five seconds.

Or how about that person in front of you in the supermarket, talking so loudly (about nothing) that the entire store can hear the conversation? Again, the press of a button, and the dingbat is silenced, and you can go on scanning the brain-dead headlines of People Magazine in peace. Are you dying to know whether Brad and Angelina are going to have a two-headed mutant love child? Now you could find out without also having to endure some suit-and-tie knucklehead’s stock negotiations.

Why are these cell phone jamming devices illegal, anyway? Think of all the lovely peace and quiet we could have! No more annoyance at that stupid musical ringtone. Wait for ‘em to answer, then zap the call out of existence! You finally get a sense of relief after years of listening to La Cucaracha ringing over and over again as you wait another half an hour to check out at the shopping mall.

Of course, the cell phone zapper won’t solve the problem completely, because idiots will always BE idiots. I remember when the most offensive thing you could find behind the wheel was the guy with the newspaper, reading instead of hitting the accelerator when the light went green. Why were they ALWAYS reading the Wall St. Journal? No longer, now we have musical ringtones and RSS feeds to distract Johnny Day Trader from his rightful driving duties.

If cell phones really DO cause brain mutations, these dorks are going to be the first to go. TO this I say, PLEASE HURRY UP AND DIE. The light has been green for ten years now, you’ve cut me off one too many times, and I have no sympathy left in me. If I were crazy enough to own an SUV, I would have rammed this guy already. I would love to see the look on his face as his phone goes flying out of his hand into his coffee cup.

Alas, it is not meant to be. I can’t get any satisfaction on the road from either the intentional rear-end collision, or the cell phone jamming device. Do I want to be sued from here to eternity? No. Johnny Day Trader can not only afford to pay for the three car pileup he caused by not paying attention to traffic while gossiping about the latest office drama, he can also afford to sue me into next year.

This is one of the reasons I no longer drive, except on very rare occasions. I’ve had it with three and four dollar-a-gallon gas, potholes, cell phones, Johnny Day Trader’s urgent phone calls, and SUVs. I find it much easier to tune out the cell callers in the supermarket knowing that they won’t be able to kill me on the road later. It’s a great feeling, and I save a ton on the insurance. Even so, I do dream about owning a cell phone jammer.

I suppose I should probably ditch my own cell phone before screwing up other people’s calls, eh? Now THAT is the American way; complain about a massive problem while contributing to it.

How do I sleep at night?

(Long Island, NY) You can’t escape the bad air, apparently. Temperature inversion traps the smog, leaving a brown haze lingering over the skyscrapers, second hand smoke drifts into your face as you walk down the street behind the husband-and-wide cancer stick team, and now I have learned that once you are at home, with the house buttoned up nice and tight, you can get formaldehyde gas vapors from new pressed-wood cabinets and other furniture.

It wouldn’t have been the first time I learned the hard way. Once I purchased a big ten by ten foot section of carpet. It was a nice deep shag and I was looking forward to getting it home, out into the living room, and digging my toes into it. When I plopped it down onto the floor, the most gawdawful aroma wafted up into my nose. It was some kind of glue or other nasty industrial vapor. I got headaches, the room stank like some kind of factory, and I basically evacuated the house for the weekend in hopes the vapor would dissipate.

It lingered for a month. Yuck.

Fortunately, the formaldehyde vapors would not be mine, but a friend’s. Still, I had been invited to my friend’s place following a remodeling job, and we were going to spend the weekend basking in the glow of good food, decent beer, and a big home theater system. My friend also had some pressed wood cabinets installed in his garage for tool storage.

“Pressed wood?” I asked. Isn’t stainless steel or some other more handyman-esque material required in the garage? My friend told me it was on sale, it fit, and he had the money, so in it went. And now it stank.

We read up on vapors, odors, and other problems potentially caused by the installation of cabinets, shelving, and other improvements. My guess was that the smell was from caulk, or some other kind of handyman nonsense they use when putting in these damn things. Of course, not being a handyman type, I was wrong.

Imagine our surprise when we discovered it was FORMALDAHYDE!

“That’s the stuff they use to preserve dead bodies, Jim!” I was practically shouting. “What the hell is it doing in your CABINETS?”

Jim was the sort of guy who didn’t mind too much, as long as the garage door stayed open and he didn’t have to smell it. I, on the other hand, would have ripped those damn things out of there faster than you can say CSI Miami. Of course, what the hell could I DO with them after tearing them out? You couldn’t burn them that would only pour more pollutants into the air. Tossing them at the dump? Irresponsible. Formaldehyde, after all. Right?

A poor guy would be stuck with them. FOREVER. The Flying Dutchman of cabinets. There should be a law against such nonsense! Stainless steel forever!

Of course, stainless steel NEVER biodegrades, right? Ditto for plastic, I suppose. When it comes right down to it, you are screwed. You can’t even pick paper or plastic at the grocery store. If you choose paper, you just killed a tree. Pick plastic, and you’ve made a landfill.

I give up, I’m going to find a nice CAVE to live in, and call it a day. At least the caves would have decent air.

Unless there’s bat crap everywhere.

(Long Island, NY) A recent lawsuit judgment in favor of the plaintiffs found that the Suffolk Police Department discriminated against four pregnant officers with some of its duty policies. The department refused to give restricted duty to pregnant officers, citing a rule prohibiting restricted duty for “non-work related” medical issues. The plaintiffs in the case were awarded various sums individually, coming to about $46 thousand dollars total.

The Suffolk Police Department heads don’t know how lucky they are to be paying out that 46 grand.

The refusal to give consideration to pregnant officers was deplorable. Even the military, arbitrary and capricious with its policies in the best of times, provides its pregnant women with restricted duty when the need arises. That refusal to help female officers could have spelled big trouble for the Suffolk PD.

Some think the lawsuit was trouble enough, but they—much like the decision makers at Suffolk PD—didn’t think far enough ahead.

Imagine what happens: a pregnant officer applies for restricted duty because of her condition. Her superiors tell her no. She tries to manage the best she can under the circumstances. That’s what good cops do.

Now imagine that the pregnant cop gets injured in the line of duty, and the pregnancy is affected. What then? The injuries to both officer and unborn were completely avoidable. A pregnant officer may not be 100% impaired in the line of duty, but how to you expect someone to draw a weapon on a bank robber or drug pusher with total concentration on the issue at hand where there is an additional danger to her unborn child?

A pregnant officer is perfectly capable of doing her job; that’s not the point. The point is not to put this expecting mother into a position where she must make a choice between the job and her child. It’s one thing to lay your own life on the line, it’s quite another to put your baby in jeopardy. That isn’t part of the job description and should not be a requirement. Everybody knows that when people are hired to do a job, they are hiring the whole person, not just their warm body for the task at hand. People get sick, they get into financial trouble, they have to make appointments to get their cars fixed and their eyes checked. They also get pregnant and have families. If the Suffolk PD can’t handle this concept, it may be better off purchasing a consignment of robots to do the work.

Back to our hypothetical pregnant cop and the potential injury to her unborn child. Such an injury would be sustained in part because of the refusal of the department to give pregnant women restricted duty if requested.

Does anyone think for a moment that the Suffolk PD could escape a multi-million dollar lawsuit in such a case?

Suffolk PD got off light in being ordered to pay just under 50 grand as part of the lawsuit. The damages could have been much higher. A lack of forethought led the Suffolk PD policy makers to this point, and fortunately for them, this legal issue could lead to a change of policy that will prevent pregnant women from facing needless danger should they choose to request the duty. Will Suffolk PD see the light and make the policy change without being forced? Or will they continue to bury their heads in the sand until an unfortunate incident brings the whole thing to a head?

Time will tell. Shame on the Suffolk PD for putting their officers in a position to think about a lawsuit in the first place. These officers deserve much better. The courtroom victory only serves as a reminder that Suffolk PD officials refused to do the right thing.

(Long Island, NY) People are freaking out on both sides over the new environmental film An Inconvenient Truth. Global warming, the eventual depletion of fossil fuel reserves, you name it. We’re freaking out about it. This is the Bowling For Columbine of 2006—a movie with a disturbing message everybody is talking about, for or against.

This movie isn’t breaking any new ground though, kids. If you want the full environmental Monty, try taking an environmental biology class at your local community college. There you will learn stuff that will make your head spin like merry-go-round.

Do you know what permit trading is? This is the practice of selling exemptions to environmental laws. Company A has been in business since 1900, and is under a grandfather clause with regard to modern day emissions regulations. The idea is this; the company was in existence long before the new law, so they get a pass on full compliance with the law.

Company A falls on hard times, and has to close up shop in whole or in part. Let’s say they need to close their Chicago-based paint manufacturing plant. Enter Company B, who wants to purchase the operation. Company B was formed in 2001, and as such has no exemptions from environmental law.

When Company B buys out Company A’s paint plant, it also purchases (for an additional fee) the rights to the grandfather clause held by Company A.

This means that Company B has just PURCHASED the right to POLLUTE.

You can learn this in any community college level environmental biology class. It is not a secret, and it happens all the time. Frightened yet? An Inconvenient Truth is only a blip, a mere fragment of information. The avalanche of environmental horror awaits. Once you open the door, you can never go back; your brain will be forever ruined with visions of massive corporate runoff from factories entering streams, lakes, and rivers. Fish with three eyes will haunt your dreams, two-headed frogs and other mutations near factories will keep you tossing and turning worse than a pot of coffee before bedtime.

Those who would rather keep raking in the profits from petroleum wage national spin doctoring campaigns against this kind of information, claiming all sorts of nonsense in an effort to get we, the people, to bury our heads in the sand right alongside the oil barons. The truth of the matter is, experts say the oil supply is not going to last forever. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, it’s going to be dried up fairly quickly. Bury your head in the sand all you want, folks. When it’s gone, it’s GONE.

What has An Inconvenient Truth done? The debate it has sparked is a good thing, but unfortunately it won’t do much to change public policy. Those of us way down here on the political food chain may become more aware, more active an trying to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels; until the entire nation goes through a culture change, we haven’t got a chance. Ask anybody who lives in rural Montana, Texas, Oklahoma, or Florida. Our communities are too de-centralized, public transportation is barely adequate, and cars are practically a requirement to function as a responsible adult.

America could take a major lesson from the United Kingdom, where in spite of the motorcar, many communities still have some kind centralized structure, more dependable (but far from perfect) public transport and services. We need to shift towards a more community-centered town-planning scheme, and start putting out tax dollars to work for US, rather than sending billions overseas for nebulous political objectives. Isolationism is not the answer, but we have a large number of Cold War-era military bases that could be closed in favor of a more America-based defense strategy. Billions could be saved simply by closing the bases and bringing the troops home where they belong.

It will never happen. Sadly, we live in an era where none of our leaders will act to change the status quo until the status quo is impossible to sustain any longer. When it’s too late, they will try to act. They will fail. It’s really as simple as that.

Can we do anything to help ourselves in the meantime? Unfortunately, it will take small pockets of change, independent of any real governmental leadership or assistance. We’re on our own. Forget about the government’s help, they are far too busy monitoring anti-war groups in America to do anything constructive. It’s down to us. In the early days of this country, a group of concerned people banded together to hold the Boston Tea Party. It was an act of rebellion. We need our own, 21st century version of this with regard to petroleum products.

We can’t dump gasoline into the sea, but we can opt to do without it as much as humanly possible. If enough concerned people actively boycott the use of gasoline, we could cause a mini-revolution. It won’t destroy the oil companies; it won’t put them out of business, or overthrow the government. What it WOULD do is get people to stop depending on a non-sustainable energy source and start thinking of new ways to get the old stuff done.

(Long Island, NY) I can’t stop laughing. This is, in the movies, used to illustrate a complete break with reality. Madness. A complete and incurable insanity. Not so in my case.

For me the nonstop hilarity comes from a headline I read at www.breitbart.com, which states that Islamic hardliners have banned the World Cup as being a threat to Islam. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have heard in ten years.

I have no quarrel with religious moderates of any stripe. You are all welcome, in my world, to celebrate your religion or lack of it in any way you choose. These OTHER dingbats, I take serious issue with. It’s not enough to have a set of morals, values, and prayers. Not for these dimwits. They want—no, they DEMAND—the rest of the world go down the same blinkered and narrow-minded path they have set themselves on. These people are the Islamic equivalent to Par Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and all the other zombie-fied television warblers-for-God.

Complete world domination by militant Islam, or die tryin’? That won’t fit on a gangsta rap CD cover. The best we can do is “Get Rich Or Die Tryin”. Some high-minded philosophy you got there, pal. Just as idiotic as the world domination bit, in my book. In other words, a completely futile exercise. The best any of us can do is get by however we can, scrape together some savings for our kids, and try to croak with some dignity. Pray to whatever gods you choose. Keep your head in the game and do your best.

The militant Islamists want to take this away, and replace it with the kind of servitude reserved for…well, religious extremists.

The World Cup is a THREAT to Islam? I had no idea that Islam—according to these intolerant fruit-bats bent on world domination—was that weak and puny. Imagine the awesome power these World Cup players hold in their hands. They are cooler than all the X-Men put together, because they pose a threat to these radical militants. The World Cup is apparently so bed-wettingly scary that religious extremists forced their followers to collectively hide under the bed while the games are on.

“Break out the adult diapers, Wanda, it’s those ATHLETES again! Where’s my shovel? I’ve got to bury my HEAD IN THE SAND”

Mister President, we now know how to defeat the suicide bombers once and for all. All we need is a soccer ball, two opposing teams, and millions of screaming fans, all chanting, “We are the champs, we are the champs”. Dismantle the war machine, Georgie boy, send the troops home, and let’s get ready to rumble! All sports, all the time. ESPN’s stock would go right through the roof.

What REALLY irritates me is that the nice, moderate Islam devotees are comparatively silent while these wild-eyed, clinically stupid extremists get prime time spouting their fertilizer for the media.

Could this silence be a question of access? CNN gives more airtime to the simpleminded drooling of Al Queda than it does the response of the 100% sane, live-and-let-live Muslim community. FOR SHAME! Let’s get some equal time for the voices of the good, decent, and caring people in the Islamic community who are sickened by this sort of nonsense. They are out there, they HAVE to be.

Right? RIGHT?

But I digress. We need to outfit a massive stadium in Iraq and hold a year-long, nonstop, 24 hour World Cup as the final answer to the radical extremist problem. The World Cup is such a threat to extremism that people were killed over the issue in violent protests. Could we really destroy the intolerance forever with a couple of nets and a bunch of sweaty guys in matching uniforms? The militants seem to think so. They are quaking in their dirty, stinky boots.

Folks, any religious faction so weak that it goes running for the latrines over a sporting event deserves to implode, don’t you think? It’s a bad mean world out there, and if your deity or belief system of choice can’t survive a soccer ball, it was doomed from the start anyway. If our government REALLY wants to make a difference, it should be beaming the world cup to every television, for free, until we finally have world peace.

Then we can invent some other reason to start shooting each other again.

(Long Island, NY) A state report says Long Islanders are going to pay much more for electricity this summer. “Much more” means more than a hundred bucks more, thank you very much. This comes as wonderful news, in light of our ridiculous gas prices and other woes. Who knows, maybe we can find a way to hike taxes again while we’re at it?

A guy at a local watering hole I enjoy was lamenting this coming hike in his electrical bills, his head in his hands. He was muttering about George Bush, Iraqi oil, and the electricity board. I had just finished researching energy conserving alternatives and thought I could share a bit of good news.

“Hey, pal, it isn’t ALL bad, you know.” I sidled up to him and offered to buy him a beer. What the hey? Writers are rich, you know.

“It will cool you off. You’re going to need it, too, from the sounds of it. Are you planning on shutting off your air conditioning for good this summer? It’s the only way you’ll save that hundred bucks.”

I’m such an optimist.

“No way, friend. I can’t live without the A/C.” He shook his head violently. He was resigned to sucking up the added expense by working extra overtime and trying to spend more time at the movies—where they run the air non-stop– in hopes that maybe it would all even out.”

I told him about a money saving technique I had read about on the internet, where you take an ordinary household fan, a plastic trash can full of ice and water, some tubes and a drainage system. The idea was that you could make some kind of Rube Goldberg contraption that would cool off your apartment in about half an hour. Sounds insane, right? We both thought so. Him more than me. And he was the one desperate to save money on his electric bills.

“That’s too ghetto for me, matey.” He replied with disgust. I tend to agree, but what option have we got? Our country has gone completely nuts, we have three-to-four dollar-a-gallon gas, a war on terror that we can’t end, and a situation in Iraq that has gotten so bad that the President has taken to trying to distract us from the carnage with an artificial controversy over gay marriage. Listen here, as soon as the insurance companies figure out that there are huge profits to be made by insuring gay married couples, we’ll have it all nice and legal before you can say “Constitutional Amendment”.

President Bush’s nonsense about protecting the integrity of the family by defining marriage as being between a man and a woman is just as insane as the coming increase in our utility bills. I myself thought that marriage was between two people who loved each other and wanted to try and stay together for life. If Bush can try to invoke some kind of conservative moral high ground on that one, let’s not forget that it wasn’t so long ago in the grand scheme of things that our boy President was said to be on some kind of prolonged bender, snorting cocaine and swilling booze. I’m sorry, what was that about the integrity of the family? Is this the same guy who allegedly went AWOL on his National Guard commitments?

Sorry, that was a HUGE tangent. Just as massive as Bush trying to distract us from insane energy prices at the pump and the electric meter with the “horrors” of gay marriage. In fact, dear reader, my distracting side journey is EXACTLY THE SAME THING. See how we got off on this tangent about who has the legal right to proclaim their undying love to one another and who doesn’t? That is what is going on in our government. Misdirection. Why are prices so high? Why are the oil companies raking in massive profit? Is this thing on?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Long Islanders need to vote with their dollars. I myself am driving less and taking public transport more. I plan on cutting down my electricity use this summer as much as possible. If we all do the same, it may not “teach them a lesson”, whoever “they” are, but we will all save a hell of a lot on our utility bills. We may not be able to boycott electricity, but we can use a whole hell of a lot less. Let’s spend a lot more time in the movie theaters, libraries, art galleries, any place that has free A/C and something to do. We could expand our horizons by taking a class and learning a new language or some kind art course. Spend the money that would be going to the utility company on something for YOU. Screw giving that extra hundred to the electricity-makers.

For my part, I am doing all my writing at the local coffee shop, whichever one offers free WI-fi and good coffee. They have the air conditioner blasting, and I can plug in my laptop. I won’t have to resort to a trashcan full of ice water to stay cool. I could while away the whole workday on somebody else’s A/C dime.

Or I could just stay home, turn on every light in the house and use my utility meter as a fan.

(Long Island, NY) State Comptroller Alan Hevesi made a lot of Long Islanders cringe with his remarks about “a bullet between the President’s eyes”. It’s naturally the latest in a long series of idiocy coming from those entrusted with the business of running Long Island, but this time, what idiocy!

With other LI scandals, corruption charges, and mindless statements from public officials in support of other officials-turned-convicted criminals, the damage was only local in nature. We all snicker at the latest moronic move by some elected or appointed bozo, and move on. Now, thanks to Hevesi, Long Island gets the attention of the national media, and a great many Americans are wondering what the hell is in the water up in Long Island.

Surely, in this time where America is fighting a war without end against “terror,” a political official would know better than to pick words like ‘bullet’ and “president” and put them in the same sentence? Anyone who DOESN’T know better is unfit to hold public office.

Are you hearing me, Comptroller Hevesi? No, of course you aren’t. You are most likely too busy trying to divert attention away from yourself for the nonsense that recently escaped your mouth. Instead of sticking to the job at hand, doing State Comptroller business, you’re out in public talking about Chuck Schumer assassinating the President. I’d love to hear an excuse for his sorry statement, but it is NOT forthcoming. I’ll never get a response to this column from Hevesi either; probably a good thing, as I would probably get a long, whining letter about being taken “out of context”.

Cry me a river.

Hevesi’s words have done one really wonderful thing, and we should give credit where credit is due. If anybody on Long Island was ever in doubt that we need more stringent gun control laws, they certainly aren’t now. Hevesi’s ravings prove that we’re in more danger from firearms than ever. If the President of the United States can be threatened with a bullet between the eyes all the way from Long Island, isn’t it about time we did something about this gun problem? They say that if guns are outlawed, then only criminals will have guns. Hell, criminals already HAVE more guns than all the rest of us, what’s being done about THAT?

Great numbers of us don’t own firearms. Another large number of people actually own the damn things, but aren’t properly trained in how to use them. Target practice is NOT enough, folks. Gun owner, do you know how to properly operate your weapon under stress, fear, and threat? Probably not. How do you know how you will perform under such circumstances? Chances are you will miss your target and wind up shot yourself. If you do hit your mark, it will be in spite of your body’s natural panic reaction to being threatened. Are you ready?

Does this argument imply that we shouldn’t have guns at all? No, but while we are debating over who should have them, how they should have them, and where they should be able to purchase them, the criminals are already armed to the teeth and perfectly happy to use illegal guns they get from other criminals. The rest of us have to wait seven days.

In the meantime, Comptroller Hevesi is doing nothing at all to discourage illegal gun use. His recent babble is the verbal equivalent of waving a pistol at the President’s motorcade. In another month, some maniac will probably get arrested on his way to take a potshot at some vaguely official looking vehicle. When they get his confession, it will read that he was trying to “impress Comptroller Hevesi.”

Hevesi, as punishment for putting Long Island on the national map for his fruit-bat utterances, should be made coordinator of a brand new Long Island tourist attraction;

The Political Walk Of Shame. It would feature all the scandals of the last two years, in a wax-museum type display. All the dirty deals, all the shady characters that have wormed their way into office over the years only to line their own pockets and abuse the public trust; they would all be immortalized. Hevesi would naturally be required to explain how he got the job as curator of the exhibit, and lead the daily tours. He will, of course, be required to restrict his comments to the job at hand, and keep the Presidential ballistics fantasies for his own sick amusement.

Or, we could just have him write out, one thousand times on a blackboard somewhere;

“Threatening the President’s Life is punishable by law. I will not make a jackass out of Long Island ever again.”

I still like using Hevesi as an example for the gun control thing, but honestly, I think it may be far too late to CONTROL the guns, we should probably just round them all up and melt them down for college sculpture classes. We could make Hevesi the head of THAT one, but I don’t think we can trust him with the bullets.

(Long Island, NY) An East Quogue pit bull mauling has me wondering whether people there have lost their minds. First we have the pit bull owner in question-According to some reports, neighbors complained that the owner seemed to have little control over the animals. Such a notorious breed of dog is looked upon with suspicion in the best of times, the reports of an alleged lack of control of what sane people consider to be potentially dangerous dogs is scary in the extreme.

Then there are the reports that the Southampton Town Justice Court must evaluate the dogs. If the two dogs are deemed dangerous, it has been reported, the dogs could be euthanized or permanently confined.

Er, excuse me? Don’t we have proof enough that these damn animals are dangerous? An unprovoked attack is proof enough for me. Yes, yes, I can hear the cries of ‘due process!” even as I write this. Maybe it wasn’t an unprovoked attack. Maybe that nice couple in their sixties needlessly provoked the dogs by walking down the street and assuming there were no pit bulls running around loose.

Many people love pit bulls. Then there are people like me, who read report after report of maulings, unprovoked attacks and other incidents. What possesses people to own these types of creatures? Does it matter? If you are in possession of a lion, it’s your responsibility to make sure it is properly contained. Ask any zookeeper or circus owner. Why do the owners of particular breeds not take the necessary precautions, especially knowing the awful reputation pit bulls have? It is sheer folly to ignore such a reputation and assume YOUR pit bulls will be nothing but cute and cuddly animals. They’re called ‘precautions’ for a REASON.

All of this is terribly reactionary, it’s true. Still, it seems that a rather large number of incidents where dogs attack innocent people crop up with the owners nowhere to be found until it is too late. Where was the owner in this case? The reports I read don’t indicate where the owner was until after the attack. Why was the owner unable to control the animals? Did they escape? Can an animal bent on escape truly be considered pet material? What the hell is going on in people’s minds?

Pit bulls and other seemingly difficult-to-control breeds may need to be outlawed, if for no other reason than the fact that some owners have ruined it for everyone. It’s the same concept as gun control laws that forbid weapons discharges within the city limits, require licensing and background checks. Rotten apples spoiled unrestricted gun ownership for the rest of us, and now it may be necessary to impose similar restrictions on some breeds of animal. Nobody ever reports a cat going for the jugular of a nice elderly couple. Goldfish have an outstanding record in terms of not being viciously inclined. A lizard owner will never wonder why the animal suddenly bit his face off. We have more than a few breeds of dog where these incidents DO happen. Can we really be expected to accept a continued lack of regulation?