(Long Island, N. Y.) Few things are worse than something that exhibits promise, yet fails to live up to it. A good example of such a thing would be a movie that claims to be a comedy, but in reality, it isn’t. What reasons could there be for such a contradiction? I mean, something defined as a comedy should simply be as such, should it not? But what if the movie in question, for whatever reason, just isn’t funny? Therein lies the paradox- it’s a comedy, yet it’s not a comedy, because it’s not funny. How can this be? Would a failed comedy actually be considered a tragedy? I don’t know, but I’ve already put far more thought and effort into this review of Balls of Fury than anyone involved with its production. It certainly doesn’t deserve it.
On to the obligatory plot recap: 30 year-old Randy Daytona (Dan Folger), a former child table tennis prodigy who blew his chance at an Olympic Gold Medal, now ekes out a dreary existence doing ping-pong tricks for elderly dinner theater patrons. Like most child stars, time has not treated him well- he’s portly, unmotivated, and suddenly finding himself out of work, after a mishap on his part slays a patron. Right as things seem their bleakest, however, Randy is approached by FBI agent Rodriguez (George Lopez) to engage in a secret mission that only he has the ability to undertake.
It seems that a mysterious crime lord, the evil Feng (Christopher Walken, who’s REALLY slumming here), is staging an underground table tennis tournament in his secret hideaway. Given his skills, Randy is a sure bet to catch Feng’s eye and receive an invitation to compete. The FBI’s plan is that, while there, Randy can attempt to uncover whatever naughtiness Feng might be up to. But first, he has to display his abilities on the open table tennis circuit, and his first foray into competition in 19 years ends in dismal, humiliating defeat. Can an old, blind Chinese ping-pong master (James Hong) and his cute yet scrawny daughter (Maggie Q) re-ignite the talent that Randy displayed so many years ago?
Balls of Fury basically shoehorns ping-pong directly into the plot of the 70’s kung-fu film Enter the Dragon. It’s an effective parody in the sense that they cover all the cosmetic aspects of Bruce Lee’s classic martial-arts epic, but otherwise the film’s a complete bore. The premise was amusing enough to provide for a fun, mindless romp, but the execution was pedestrian to the point that every scene was just incredibly bland. The problem appeared to be that the movie simply needed to be helmed by a director that was more willing to take the concept and run wild with it.
As for the actors, let’s start with star Dan Folger. Dan happens to be a lot like Jack Black- only fatter. However, despite the (slight) difference in girth, he remains just as hilarious as Mr. Black (which means he’s as funny having a drunken tryst with a fully-active beehive). If I never see him (either man, actually) in another movie ever again, I’d be totally cool with that. Maggie Q, however, actually pulls off a decent performance. Despite being American-born, she’s enjoyed a great deal of success in the Hong Kong film market and is just recently making a splash in American films, recently seen opposite Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 3 and Bruce Willis in Live Free or Die Hard. She might have a career going for her if she A) never stars in a movie like Balls of Fury ever again, and B) eats a few steak sandwiches. She’s just way too thin.
No one else really stands out in any meaningful way. There are a number of character actors you may recognize from the various roles they’ve played over the years, but no one you could probably name offhand. You’d be more likely to just point at them and say, “Yeah, I know that guy! He was in the movie where the thing blew up. And then Arnold killed him.” Of this notable bunch is the sinister-looking guy that played Shang Tsung in 1995’s Mortal Kombat and James Hong, who I remember playing all sorts of stereotypical Chinese roles from as early back as the 1980’s.
But distressing to me personally is the inclusion of Jason Scott Lee in a minor role as a ping-pong hall tough guy. A talented actor that showed great promise early in his career (in a fun coincidence, he even convincingly played Bruce Lee in the biopic Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story), he’s been reduced to awful throwaway roles such as this, and it’s a terrible shame. The guy is quite talented and deserves more, especially since Asians rarely have any real contribution to American movies outside of niche parts like this. It seem that if you’re Asian and not playing a ninja, a monk, or a hooker, you’re out of luck in the U.S. of A.
So, while Balls of Fury is instantly forgettable, it does appear to have one redeeming quality- it’s a very effective cure for insomnia. My friend Don has been stressed about work and not sleeping well as of late, but under the soothing effects of Balls of Fury’s banality, I’m happy to report that lad was sleeping like a baby in no time. So if you have any friends or loved ones stricken by this horrible malady and suffering from the living hell that is sleep deprivation, I recommend this film whole-heartedly. Otherwise, skip it.
