(Long Island, NY) A recent lawsuit judgment in favor of the plaintiffs found that the Suffolk Police Department discriminated against four pregnant officers with some of its duty policies. The department refused to give restricted duty to pregnant officers, citing a rule prohibiting restricted duty for “non-work related” medical issues. The plaintiffs in the case were awarded various sums individually, coming to about $46 thousand dollars total.

The Suffolk Police Department heads don’t know how lucky they are to be paying out that 46 grand.

The refusal to give consideration to pregnant officers was deplorable. Even the military, arbitrary and capricious with its policies in the best of times, provides its pregnant women with restricted duty when the need arises. That refusal to help female officers could have spelled big trouble for the Suffolk PD.

Some think the lawsuit was trouble enough, but they—much like the decision makers at Suffolk PD—didn’t think far enough ahead.

Imagine what happens: a pregnant officer applies for restricted duty because of her condition. Her superiors tell her no. She tries to manage the best she can under the circumstances. That’s what good cops do.

Now imagine that the pregnant cop gets injured in the line of duty, and the pregnancy is affected. What then? The injuries to both officer and unborn were completely avoidable. A pregnant officer may not be 100% impaired in the line of duty, but how to you expect someone to draw a weapon on a bank robber or drug pusher with total concentration on the issue at hand where there is an additional danger to her unborn child?

A pregnant officer is perfectly capable of doing her job; that’s not the point. The point is not to put this expecting mother into a position where she must make a choice between the job and her child. It’s one thing to lay your own life on the line, it’s quite another to put your baby in jeopardy. That isn’t part of the job description and should not be a requirement. Everybody knows that when people are hired to do a job, they are hiring the whole person, not just their warm body for the task at hand. People get sick, they get into financial trouble, they have to make appointments to get their cars fixed and their eyes checked. They also get pregnant and have families. If the Suffolk PD can’t handle this concept, it may be better off purchasing a consignment of robots to do the work.

Back to our hypothetical pregnant cop and the potential injury to her unborn child. Such an injury would be sustained in part because of the refusal of the department to give pregnant women restricted duty if requested.

Does anyone think for a moment that the Suffolk PD could escape a multi-million dollar lawsuit in such a case?

Suffolk PD got off light in being ordered to pay just under 50 grand as part of the lawsuit. The damages could have been much higher. A lack of forethought led the Suffolk PD policy makers to this point, and fortunately for them, this legal issue could lead to a change of policy that will prevent pregnant women from facing needless danger should they choose to request the duty. Will Suffolk PD see the light and make the policy change without being forced? Or will they continue to bury their heads in the sand until an unfortunate incident brings the whole thing to a head?

Time will tell. Shame on the Suffolk PD for putting their officers in a position to think about a lawsuit in the first place. These officers deserve much better. The courtroom victory only serves as a reminder that Suffolk PD officials refused to do the right thing.

(Long Island, NY) People are freaking out on both sides over the new environmental film An Inconvenient Truth. Global warming, the eventual depletion of fossil fuel reserves, you name it. We’re freaking out about it. This is the Bowling For Columbine of 2006—a movie with a disturbing message everybody is talking about, for or against.

This movie isn’t breaking any new ground though, kids. If you want the full environmental Monty, try taking an environmental biology class at your local community college. There you will learn stuff that will make your head spin like merry-go-round.

Do you know what permit trading is? This is the practice of selling exemptions to environmental laws. Company A has been in business since 1900, and is under a grandfather clause with regard to modern day emissions regulations. The idea is this; the company was in existence long before the new law, so they get a pass on full compliance with the law.

Company A falls on hard times, and has to close up shop in whole or in part. Let’s say they need to close their Chicago-based paint manufacturing plant. Enter Company B, who wants to purchase the operation. Company B was formed in 2001, and as such has no exemptions from environmental law.

When Company B buys out Company A’s paint plant, it also purchases (for an additional fee) the rights to the grandfather clause held by Company A.

This means that Company B has just PURCHASED the right to POLLUTE.

You can learn this in any community college level environmental biology class. It is not a secret, and it happens all the time. Frightened yet? An Inconvenient Truth is only a blip, a mere fragment of information. The avalanche of environmental horror awaits. Once you open the door, you can never go back; your brain will be forever ruined with visions of massive corporate runoff from factories entering streams, lakes, and rivers. Fish with three eyes will haunt your dreams, two-headed frogs and other mutations near factories will keep you tossing and turning worse than a pot of coffee before bedtime.

Those who would rather keep raking in the profits from petroleum wage national spin doctoring campaigns against this kind of information, claiming all sorts of nonsense in an effort to get we, the people, to bury our heads in the sand right alongside the oil barons. The truth of the matter is, experts say the oil supply is not going to last forever. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, it’s going to be dried up fairly quickly. Bury your head in the sand all you want, folks. When it’s gone, it’s GONE.

What has An Inconvenient Truth done? The debate it has sparked is a good thing, but unfortunately it won’t do much to change public policy. Those of us way down here on the political food chain may become more aware, more active an trying to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels; until the entire nation goes through a culture change, we haven’t got a chance. Ask anybody who lives in rural Montana, Texas, Oklahoma, or Florida. Our communities are too de-centralized, public transportation is barely adequate, and cars are practically a requirement to function as a responsible adult.

America could take a major lesson from the United Kingdom, where in spite of the motorcar, many communities still have some kind centralized structure, more dependable (but far from perfect) public transport and services. We need to shift towards a more community-centered town-planning scheme, and start putting out tax dollars to work for US, rather than sending billions overseas for nebulous political objectives. Isolationism is not the answer, but we have a large number of Cold War-era military bases that could be closed in favor of a more America-based defense strategy. Billions could be saved simply by closing the bases and bringing the troops home where they belong.

It will never happen. Sadly, we live in an era where none of our leaders will act to change the status quo until the status quo is impossible to sustain any longer. When it’s too late, they will try to act. They will fail. It’s really as simple as that.

Can we do anything to help ourselves in the meantime? Unfortunately, it will take small pockets of change, independent of any real governmental leadership or assistance. We’re on our own. Forget about the government’s help, they are far too busy monitoring anti-war groups in America to do anything constructive. It’s down to us. In the early days of this country, a group of concerned people banded together to hold the Boston Tea Party. It was an act of rebellion. We need our own, 21st century version of this with regard to petroleum products.

We can’t dump gasoline into the sea, but we can opt to do without it as much as humanly possible. If enough concerned people actively boycott the use of gasoline, we could cause a mini-revolution. It won’t destroy the oil companies; it won’t put them out of business, or overthrow the government. What it WOULD do is get people to stop depending on a non-sustainable energy source and start thinking of new ways to get the old stuff done.

(Long Island, NY) I can’t stop laughing. This is, in the movies, used to illustrate a complete break with reality. Madness. A complete and incurable insanity. Not so in my case.

For me the nonstop hilarity comes from a headline I read at www.breitbart.com, which states that Islamic hardliners have banned the World Cup as being a threat to Islam. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have heard in ten years.

I have no quarrel with religious moderates of any stripe. You are all welcome, in my world, to celebrate your religion or lack of it in any way you choose. These OTHER dingbats, I take serious issue with. It’s not enough to have a set of morals, values, and prayers. Not for these dimwits. They want—no, they DEMAND—the rest of the world go down the same blinkered and narrow-minded path they have set themselves on. These people are the Islamic equivalent to Par Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and all the other zombie-fied television warblers-for-God.

Complete world domination by militant Islam, or die tryin’? That won’t fit on a gangsta rap CD cover. The best we can do is “Get Rich Or Die Tryin”. Some high-minded philosophy you got there, pal. Just as idiotic as the world domination bit, in my book. In other words, a completely futile exercise. The best any of us can do is get by however we can, scrape together some savings for our kids, and try to croak with some dignity. Pray to whatever gods you choose. Keep your head in the game and do your best.

The militant Islamists want to take this away, and replace it with the kind of servitude reserved for…well, religious extremists.

The World Cup is a THREAT to Islam? I had no idea that Islam—according to these intolerant fruit-bats bent on world domination—was that weak and puny. Imagine the awesome power these World Cup players hold in their hands. They are cooler than all the X-Men put together, because they pose a threat to these radical militants. The World Cup is apparently so bed-wettingly scary that religious extremists forced their followers to collectively hide under the bed while the games are on.

“Break out the adult diapers, Wanda, it’s those ATHLETES again! Where’s my shovel? I’ve got to bury my HEAD IN THE SAND”

Mister President, we now know how to defeat the suicide bombers once and for all. All we need is a soccer ball, two opposing teams, and millions of screaming fans, all chanting, “We are the champs, we are the champs”. Dismantle the war machine, Georgie boy, send the troops home, and let’s get ready to rumble! All sports, all the time. ESPN’s stock would go right through the roof.

What REALLY irritates me is that the nice, moderate Islam devotees are comparatively silent while these wild-eyed, clinically stupid extremists get prime time spouting their fertilizer for the media.

Could this silence be a question of access? CNN gives more airtime to the simpleminded drooling of Al Queda than it does the response of the 100% sane, live-and-let-live Muslim community. FOR SHAME! Let’s get some equal time for the voices of the good, decent, and caring people in the Islamic community who are sickened by this sort of nonsense. They are out there, they HAVE to be.

Right? RIGHT?

But I digress. We need to outfit a massive stadium in Iraq and hold a year-long, nonstop, 24 hour World Cup as the final answer to the radical extremist problem. The World Cup is such a threat to extremism that people were killed over the issue in violent protests. Could we really destroy the intolerance forever with a couple of nets and a bunch of sweaty guys in matching uniforms? The militants seem to think so. They are quaking in their dirty, stinky boots.

Folks, any religious faction so weak that it goes running for the latrines over a sporting event deserves to implode, don’t you think? It’s a bad mean world out there, and if your deity or belief system of choice can’t survive a soccer ball, it was doomed from the start anyway. If our government REALLY wants to make a difference, it should be beaming the world cup to every television, for free, until we finally have world peace.

Then we can invent some other reason to start shooting each other again.

(Long Island, NY) A state report says Long Islanders are going to pay much more for electricity this summer. “Much more” means more than a hundred bucks more, thank you very much. This comes as wonderful news, in light of our ridiculous gas prices and other woes. Who knows, maybe we can find a way to hike taxes again while we’re at it?

A guy at a local watering hole I enjoy was lamenting this coming hike in his electrical bills, his head in his hands. He was muttering about George Bush, Iraqi oil, and the electricity board. I had just finished researching energy conserving alternatives and thought I could share a bit of good news.

“Hey, pal, it isn’t ALL bad, you know.” I sidled up to him and offered to buy him a beer. What the hey? Writers are rich, you know.

“It will cool you off. You’re going to need it, too, from the sounds of it. Are you planning on shutting off your air conditioning for good this summer? It’s the only way you’ll save that hundred bucks.”

I’m such an optimist.

“No way, friend. I can’t live without the A/C.” He shook his head violently. He was resigned to sucking up the added expense by working extra overtime and trying to spend more time at the movies—where they run the air non-stop– in hopes that maybe it would all even out.”

I told him about a money saving technique I had read about on the internet, where you take an ordinary household fan, a plastic trash can full of ice and water, some tubes and a drainage system. The idea was that you could make some kind of Rube Goldberg contraption that would cool off your apartment in about half an hour. Sounds insane, right? We both thought so. Him more than me. And he was the one desperate to save money on his electric bills.

“That’s too ghetto for me, matey.” He replied with disgust. I tend to agree, but what option have we got? Our country has gone completely nuts, we have three-to-four dollar-a-gallon gas, a war on terror that we can’t end, and a situation in Iraq that has gotten so bad that the President has taken to trying to distract us from the carnage with an artificial controversy over gay marriage. Listen here, as soon as the insurance companies figure out that there are huge profits to be made by insuring gay married couples, we’ll have it all nice and legal before you can say “Constitutional Amendment”.

President Bush’s nonsense about protecting the integrity of the family by defining marriage as being between a man and a woman is just as insane as the coming increase in our utility bills. I myself thought that marriage was between two people who loved each other and wanted to try and stay together for life. If Bush can try to invoke some kind of conservative moral high ground on that one, let’s not forget that it wasn’t so long ago in the grand scheme of things that our boy President was said to be on some kind of prolonged bender, snorting cocaine and swilling booze. I’m sorry, what was that about the integrity of the family? Is this the same guy who allegedly went AWOL on his National Guard commitments?

Sorry, that was a HUGE tangent. Just as massive as Bush trying to distract us from insane energy prices at the pump and the electric meter with the “horrors” of gay marriage. In fact, dear reader, my distracting side journey is EXACTLY THE SAME THING. See how we got off on this tangent about who has the legal right to proclaim their undying love to one another and who doesn’t? That is what is going on in our government. Misdirection. Why are prices so high? Why are the oil companies raking in massive profit? Is this thing on?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Long Islanders need to vote with their dollars. I myself am driving less and taking public transport more. I plan on cutting down my electricity use this summer as much as possible. If we all do the same, it may not “teach them a lesson”, whoever “they” are, but we will all save a hell of a lot on our utility bills. We may not be able to boycott electricity, but we can use a whole hell of a lot less. Let’s spend a lot more time in the movie theaters, libraries, art galleries, any place that has free A/C and something to do. We could expand our horizons by taking a class and learning a new language or some kind art course. Spend the money that would be going to the utility company on something for YOU. Screw giving that extra hundred to the electricity-makers.

For my part, I am doing all my writing at the local coffee shop, whichever one offers free WI-fi and good coffee. They have the air conditioner blasting, and I can plug in my laptop. I won’t have to resort to a trashcan full of ice water to stay cool. I could while away the whole workday on somebody else’s A/C dime.

Or I could just stay home, turn on every light in the house and use my utility meter as a fan.

(Long Island, NY) State Comptroller Alan Hevesi made a lot of Long Islanders cringe with his remarks about “a bullet between the President’s eyes”. It’s naturally the latest in a long series of idiocy coming from those entrusted with the business of running Long Island, but this time, what idiocy!

With other LI scandals, corruption charges, and mindless statements from public officials in support of other officials-turned-convicted criminals, the damage was only local in nature. We all snicker at the latest moronic move by some elected or appointed bozo, and move on. Now, thanks to Hevesi, Long Island gets the attention of the national media, and a great many Americans are wondering what the hell is in the water up in Long Island.

Surely, in this time where America is fighting a war without end against “terror,” a political official would know better than to pick words like ‘bullet’ and “president” and put them in the same sentence? Anyone who DOESN’T know better is unfit to hold public office.

Are you hearing me, Comptroller Hevesi? No, of course you aren’t. You are most likely too busy trying to divert attention away from yourself for the nonsense that recently escaped your mouth. Instead of sticking to the job at hand, doing State Comptroller business, you’re out in public talking about Chuck Schumer assassinating the President. I’d love to hear an excuse for his sorry statement, but it is NOT forthcoming. I’ll never get a response to this column from Hevesi either; probably a good thing, as I would probably get a long, whining letter about being taken “out of context”.

Cry me a river.

Hevesi’s words have done one really wonderful thing, and we should give credit where credit is due. If anybody on Long Island was ever in doubt that we need more stringent gun control laws, they certainly aren’t now. Hevesi’s ravings prove that we’re in more danger from firearms than ever. If the President of the United States can be threatened with a bullet between the eyes all the way from Long Island, isn’t it about time we did something about this gun problem? They say that if guns are outlawed, then only criminals will have guns. Hell, criminals already HAVE more guns than all the rest of us, what’s being done about THAT?

Great numbers of us don’t own firearms. Another large number of people actually own the damn things, but aren’t properly trained in how to use them. Target practice is NOT enough, folks. Gun owner, do you know how to properly operate your weapon under stress, fear, and threat? Probably not. How do you know how you will perform under such circumstances? Chances are you will miss your target and wind up shot yourself. If you do hit your mark, it will be in spite of your body’s natural panic reaction to being threatened. Are you ready?

Does this argument imply that we shouldn’t have guns at all? No, but while we are debating over who should have them, how they should have them, and where they should be able to purchase them, the criminals are already armed to the teeth and perfectly happy to use illegal guns they get from other criminals. The rest of us have to wait seven days.

In the meantime, Comptroller Hevesi is doing nothing at all to discourage illegal gun use. His recent babble is the verbal equivalent of waving a pistol at the President’s motorcade. In another month, some maniac will probably get arrested on his way to take a potshot at some vaguely official looking vehicle. When they get his confession, it will read that he was trying to “impress Comptroller Hevesi.”

Hevesi, as punishment for putting Long Island on the national map for his fruit-bat utterances, should be made coordinator of a brand new Long Island tourist attraction;

The Political Walk Of Shame. It would feature all the scandals of the last two years, in a wax-museum type display. All the dirty deals, all the shady characters that have wormed their way into office over the years only to line their own pockets and abuse the public trust; they would all be immortalized. Hevesi would naturally be required to explain how he got the job as curator of the exhibit, and lead the daily tours. He will, of course, be required to restrict his comments to the job at hand, and keep the Presidential ballistics fantasies for his own sick amusement.

Or, we could just have him write out, one thousand times on a blackboard somewhere;

“Threatening the President’s Life is punishable by law. I will not make a jackass out of Long Island ever again.”

I still like using Hevesi as an example for the gun control thing, but honestly, I think it may be far too late to CONTROL the guns, we should probably just round them all up and melt them down for college sculpture classes. We could make Hevesi the head of THAT one, but I don’t think we can trust him with the bullets.

(Long Island, NY) An East Quogue pit bull mauling has me wondering whether people there have lost their minds. First we have the pit bull owner in question-According to some reports, neighbors complained that the owner seemed to have little control over the animals. Such a notorious breed of dog is looked upon with suspicion in the best of times, the reports of an alleged lack of control of what sane people consider to be potentially dangerous dogs is scary in the extreme.

Then there are the reports that the Southampton Town Justice Court must evaluate the dogs. If the two dogs are deemed dangerous, it has been reported, the dogs could be euthanized or permanently confined.

Er, excuse me? Don’t we have proof enough that these damn animals are dangerous? An unprovoked attack is proof enough for me. Yes, yes, I can hear the cries of ‘due process!” even as I write this. Maybe it wasn’t an unprovoked attack. Maybe that nice couple in their sixties needlessly provoked the dogs by walking down the street and assuming there were no pit bulls running around loose.

Many people love pit bulls. Then there are people like me, who read report after report of maulings, unprovoked attacks and other incidents. What possesses people to own these types of creatures? Does it matter? If you are in possession of a lion, it’s your responsibility to make sure it is properly contained. Ask any zookeeper or circus owner. Why do the owners of particular breeds not take the necessary precautions, especially knowing the awful reputation pit bulls have? It is sheer folly to ignore such a reputation and assume YOUR pit bulls will be nothing but cute and cuddly animals. They’re called ‘precautions’ for a REASON.

All of this is terribly reactionary, it’s true. Still, it seems that a rather large number of incidents where dogs attack innocent people crop up with the owners nowhere to be found until it is too late. Where was the owner in this case? The reports I read don’t indicate where the owner was until after the attack. Why was the owner unable to control the animals? Did they escape? Can an animal bent on escape truly be considered pet material? What the hell is going on in people’s minds?

Pit bulls and other seemingly difficult-to-control breeds may need to be outlawed, if for no other reason than the fact that some owners have ruined it for everyone. It’s the same concept as gun control laws that forbid weapons discharges within the city limits, require licensing and background checks. Rotten apples spoiled unrestricted gun ownership for the rest of us, and now it may be necessary to impose similar restrictions on some breeds of animal. Nobody ever reports a cat going for the jugular of a nice elderly couple. Goldfish have an outstanding record in terms of not being viciously inclined. A lizard owner will never wonder why the animal suddenly bit his face off. We have more than a few breeds of dog where these incidents DO happen. Can we really be expected to accept a continued lack of regulation?

(Long Island, NY) Here we are, right on the verge of Memorial Day, and we’ve got three bucks a gallon plus at the pumps. Isn’t that great? The oil companies are turning record profits, we’ve got Al Gore giving warnings about global warming, and the entire country is nowhere near ready to abandon fossil fuels in favor of anything resembling a major solution to the problem.

Some experts give us about fifty years before the oil starts running low, or stops flowing altogether. Then, we’re basically screwed. It’s a nice rosy outlook, complete with a happy ending. Don’t panic, folks, there’s nothing you can do about it anyway, right?

Well, actually, there ARE things we can do, starting right now. Public transportation, for one. Part of the problem with fossil fuels is our addiction to the convenience of cars. We have built our entire society around being able to hop in a vehicle and drive…wherever. Contrast that with the United Kingdom, where communities were built on a much more centralized principle—smaller and more compact communities with a shopping street and service-related districts which make far more sense in terms of a community that is not built around the automobile, but around a combination of travel modes-foot, pedal power, public transport and autos. The bloke on a bike, in the UK at least, has at least as much access to goods and services as the man in a motorcar.

If more of us start shifting away from the “one body, one vehicle” mindset, it’s possible that the American way of life might start shifting back towards a more centralized ideal of living. Imagine smaller, but well stocked groceries serving neighborhoods; a local pub and cinema. The shopping experience would naturally have to be modified to handle rough weather-plenty of covered walkways and even bike paths-but with a shift away from car culture; the inconvenience of the weather could be accounted for with the right kind of planning.

That’s right, folks, we’re going to need to do this together. America is running out of options-except for the expensive ones. Gas prices will continue going up. At the current rate of production, the number of cars on the road will only increase. How many highway expansion projects can we do before we start running out of room? America can’t even deal with the estimated 13 million illegal immigrants it has on the books in terms of basic health care. If everybody who moves to America decides to buy a car, we are talking serious gridlock here.

Before you mistake this for a screed against immigrants owning vehicles, forget about all the newcomers to the country getting behind the wheel and think about the next two generations of teenagers who are all eying the highways even as I type this. Don’t blame illegal aliens for the coming highway race of doom—how many kids do you have? These freshly scrubbed faces will soon be adding to the snarl of traffic in greater numbers than ever. The ever-vanishing amount of room on the road can’t be blamed on any one bunch of drivers; we’re all in it together.

More drivers means more gas consumption, which means a quicker drain on the amount of oil that’s available. Going, going, gone. One day we’ll look back and tell some new set of freshly scrubbed faces that once upon a time, prices went up every holiday season because the oil barons rigged it that way. The kids will look at each other and ask, “What’s OIL?”

So, it’s up to us to start thinking of new ways to live. This Memorial Day, in addition to all the other things you’ve got planned, try planning a new way to get to one or two of them. Cut out the car and see how you like it.

You’ll HATE it.

That’s the whole point—not to get you to abandon the car RIGHT NOW—but rather to demonstrate just how ADDICTED TO OIL the entire nation has become. We’re junkies and we don’t know how to get off the evil stuff. Somehow we’ve got to create a 12-step program that can help us become reliant on better power. Whether that’s pedal power, solar power, public transport or something else. IF we can start weaning ourselves away early enough, when the end of the oil finally does come it won’t be such a big shock.

Of course, all this is a pipe dream; chances are we’re just going to drive ourselves stupid until there ain’t no more oil. Then we’ll all get the shakes, start hallucinating, and get sick until the withdrawal symptoms pass. Then we’ll be left to pick up the pieces and wonder what the hell to do with all those damn useless cars.

If you watch cable television in Nassau County, chances are you will catch a TV ad complaining about “shadow governments” and the arrogance of news outlets that are “UN-elected” and the exertion of “undue influence”.

I don’t really need—or want—to go into too many of the details of this particular controversy, but it involves complaints by the president of the Nassau Police Benevolent Association of bias in the media. The so-called UN-elected shadow government? That’s a reference to the media. The undue influence? Ditto.

I’m not quite sure why the Police Benevolent Association President has his undies in a bunch about the media’s so-called shadow government. After all, the cops have the power to give us all tickets for jaywalking, driving one mile an hour over the speed limit, and playing car stereos too loud. If there’s a shadow government going on round Nassau County, it’s the one run by the guys with the (radar) guns. You can’t drive down the LI Expressway in a hell of a hurry late for work without looking over your shoulder for the flashing lights. God help you if your license is a day overdue or you have a busted taillight and your car just happens to match the description of some crackhead wanted for felony spray-painting.

That’s not to say that I hate cops. Hell, I nearly became one myself, but I discovered I am too addicted to writing to get off the couch and go to the Police Academy. Oh, I’m imminently QUALIFIED to be a cop, with more than 13 years in the military behind me. So let’s stop that frothing at the mouth about me being a long haired hippie pot smoking cop hater.

And while we’re at it, let’s not confuse the ordinary working stiffs in uniform with the uber-paranoid nut-jobs who sanction or agree with calling some of the LI media an un-elected shadow government. Most honest cops are decent people who just want to earn a living and come home in one piece. The paranoid ones, on the other hand, are the ones that keep me up at night.

The paranoid cops are the ones that will pull me over after having pegged me as the guy who wrote this screed. They are the ones who will DEFINITELY give me a ticket, and find five more things to add to it, because I wrote something slightly critical of some of them. THESE are the ones that give the decent guys in uniform the bad rep, kids. They are the ones who are getting the critical write-ups, the bad press, and all the rest.

Now, for the record, I don’t think we can pay our HONEST public servants enough. Any cop, firefighter, sanitation worker or other civil servant worth a damn deserves the pay and benefits. Anybody who questions how much a guy in a bulletproof vest or a fire helmet makes is crackers. One day, you’ll need ‘em, pal.

And that, my friends, is the real point of this rambling screed. If you have a problem with criticism of the pay your crews are getting, you need to trot out some FACTS instead of a bunch of crapola about shadow governments. Get your damn head screwed on straight and remind people about the guns pointed at the cops on a daily basis, about the late nights, the emotional trauma of dealing with Long Island’s most boorish and crude denizens. The credibility of the entire LI PD is now in the hands of televised fruit-bats dribbling about shadow governments and whining about media bias. Too bad, as a simple explanation about the training, credentialing, and dangers connected with being a police officer might be helpful in explaining why higher salaries and more benefits for our public servants are not only necessary, but also richly deserved.

Lest we forget, folks, the police and fire crews are first responders in situations like terrorist attacks, natural disasters and accidents. These people are never truly “off-duty”. A heart attack, a fire, a robbery, you name it, and these people are there. Every department has its problems, but the inherent nature of the job requires a LOT extra. Isn’t the extra pay worth it? THAT should be the content of commercials regarding the cops airing on Nassau County cable stations.

So let’s stop all this childish sniping at the media and get down to a bit of reality, shall we? In the meantime, I’ll be driving the speed limit, making sure my taillights aren’t busted, and keep all my paperwork up to date, as I’m sure I’ve irritated one of the bad apples here. Next time I get pulled over, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a decent cop, but with my luck, it will wind up being the head of the Nassau PBA on a special mission to find malcontents or “UN-elected” writers.

(Long Island, NY) My friend Jena called my cell phone at midnight. Clearly she had been drinking a bit, her voice was slurry and she dropped the phone twice before I got any sense out of her. I asked her what was the matter. “Stupid dopey old world. Can’t get anything right around here. That McGowan guy gets off with a slap on the wrist…”

Thunk. Scrape. Cursing. Jena’s dropped the phone again. When she finally gets back on, I tell her she needs to call me in the morning after she’s slept it off. “No WAY!” she shouts. “This world is going to hell in a hand-basket, and I have PROOF.”

Ninety proof, I tell her.

“Shaddaup.”

Now is that any way to talk to a dear friend? She sounded contrite when she replied. “I just wanted to tell you about those Smithtown Eagle Scouts. Is NOTHING sacred?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Did poor drunken Jena have the McGowan case somehow linked with some innocent Eagle Scouts? It couldn’t be, and I told her so.

“But that’s where you’re WRRROONG!” she cried just as she was dropping the phone again. When she got it back into her hands, I told her she was a complete loon, and really needed to lay off the sauce. I have a lot of weird friends; Jena is just another one of the good-natured, misguided souls that managed to get my private number out of me in a moment of weakness. I vowed to myself to not only quit giving my number to every pretty face that comes along, but also to get out of the habit of answering no matter who calls or when. Clearly I need some Scout-style discipline when it comes to taking calls. Is there a merit badge for ignoring telephones and the people who love them?

I asked Jena what she was babbling about re: the Eagles Scouts in Smithtown, but it would take a minute to get the answer, because she had dropped the phone once more.

What I knew of the scouts was pretty basic local-news type stuff. Five Smithtown boys recently finished a six-year journey of hard work to attain the rank of Eagle Scout; an accomplishment that teaches kids leadership, the value of hard work, and self-discipline. Nothing could be farther from the McGowan scandal, and no matter how loopy Jena might be, I couldn’t see any way she could connect five nose-to-the-grindstone teenagers to a corrupt politico dork.

Jena was practically incoherent when she got the phone back. “You didn’t read the scandalous HEADLINES!” Jena was clearing leading up to something, so I waited her out. Whatever it was, she was going to have to make a pretty strong case. Personally, I was waiting for her to drop the phone again.

“I went onto the net to read today’s local news and there it was!” She was completely breathless with scandal. “Are you ready for this? The headline said…Eagle Scouts Indicted!”

Take a deep breath, now, and count to ten. Say WHAT?

“That’s riiiiight,” she slobbered, “Eeaaagle Scouts….INDIIIIICTED. It’s a sick, sick world, my friend.”

It was after midnight on a work night, so I really let her have it “Jena, you drunken goofball, you’ve got your glasses on backwards! That headline says ‘Eagle Scouts INDUCTED! They made the grade and got their promotion, not a police summons. It’s an HONOR, you lush!”

It got very quiet on the other end of the phone. I was sure she had not dropped the phone, though I bet she wishes she had. Right into the trash, no doubt.

“Jena, did you hear me? Eagle Scots INDUCTED!”

I heard giggling on the other end. She’d be lucky if she even remembered any of this in the morning, but I was hoping she’d feel a little embarrassed anyway.

“Tomorrow, dear girl, you are throwing out your liquor collection and going on the wagon. And a nice big donation to the Scouts might be in order.” She was still giggling when she asked, “Do the Scouts TAKE donations?”

I am sure they do, I tried to tell her, but she had already dropped the phone again.

(Long Island, NY) A fake ad run on WBAB’s “Roger and JP” morning show has some Long Islanders up in arms over what they say is racist humor. An ad for “Wetback Steakhouse” brought angry calls to the Babylon radio station, resulting in the fake ad being pulled off the air.

Before we get any further here, let’s just agree for the record that the phrase “wetback” is ugly and mean, even if it’s not meant to be taken as such. Racism, while seemingly unavoidable everywhere on the globe, is sad and pathetic.

Now that we have stated the obvious (which must be done, for a scary majority of simple-minded Americans can’t understand anything unless you spell it out in huge letters ten-feet high) let’s move on to something not-quite-so-obvious; the confusion that many Americans have over racism.

I implore you, immigrants of all races, creeds, colors, and nationalities to take pity on us poor European whites. We are dumb and confuse easily. For example; the two fellas you hear coming down the street holler “n-word” at each other. Imagine the complete lack of preparedness for the fists that come crashing into some poor dopey white American’s face as he is told bodily that two men of the same racial background are free to call one another whatever they like, while outsiders may not. Remember, kids, Americans are the ones that need the letters ten feet high.

I also beg you, people of non-white European extraction everywhere, to have patience with us dummies when we see Comedy Central’s Mind Of Mencia, where a Hispanic comedian gets big laughs from people of all creeds and colors—laughs which come from Mencia’s unrepentant use of the phrases “beaners,” and, yes, “wetbacks.” One of the biggest laughs Mencia got on his program was from a fake ad for the non-existent movie “Wetback Mountain”. This sketch features Mencia with a giant size burrito, screaming, “I don’t know how to quit you!”

Mencia is the biggest headache for us dumb white Americans right now, because we can’t keep the rules straight. It’s ok to laugh at racist jokes on national television, apparently, but it’s not OK for the morning show crew at WBAB to do exactly what the Mind of Mencia program does week after week—with corporate sponsorship, too!

The confusion comes mostly from our parents, who taught us (or should have taught us) that racism is wrong. I spent my entire life believing that racist comments, jokes, symbols, and organizations should be recognized for the ignorant, brain dead horse hockey that they are. Then Mencia comes along with “Wetback Mountain” and everybody laughs.

Of course, there’s an option nobody’s really willing to talk about in public, especially with regards to the WBAB flap; that perhaps jokes about race are a way for many people to come to grips with things they don’t really understand all that well. After all, people joke at funerals, at divorce proceedings, after failing tests, and getting diagnosed with serious diseases. Why should these uncomfortable and inexperienced people be allowed to come to terms with situations and concepts that are foreign to them?

One of my biggest shocks was going to a record store and seeing a copy of Richard Pryor’s album entitled “Bicentennial Nigger”. I was flabbergasted until I realized that this record was made in the 1970s when people were both horrified by, and completely used to, the “n-word” in everyday life. Pryor used the term as a badge of pride, a way to shock, and as leverage to boost his comedy career by talking about whatever controversy was on his mind. Today, with gangsta-rappers using the word every other sentence, the shock value is gone. There’s no more mileage to be had from the word except as an indicator of just how dumb and ignorant someone might be in using it.

What’s the bottom line here? Hard to say. Are the same people complaining about WBAB’s fake ad sending letters of complaint to Comedy Central as well? It hardly seems possible that they are not, but I am willing to bet that at least some of them won’t bother. For some reason, it’s OK when it’s on cable TV, at least in the minds of some.

The race issue will never, ever go away. I hate to bring the bad news, but people will always be uncomfortable around things, situations, and people that they don’t understand, don’t know anything about. This is called human nature. The real question is, how do we increase the understanding and tolerance without going to a completely PC society where the most harsh thing anyone can say is “oh, poopie!”

It takes two. If us dumb, white Europeans are expected to be sensitive and understanding–which we SHOULD be–we should be getting some help from the other side of the issue. PLEASE stop using terms you don’t want dumb white people parroting back to you because they think it’s ok. Remember the ten-foot tall letters, my non-white non-European friends, remember the letters. We Europeans are so dumb that it took the National Guard to enforce the fledgling equal-opportunity education reforms in America. Equality is a right, but our feeble little minds need the greatest assistance in getting our heads around the idea that not only is Whitey NOT mighty, he is actually on the decline and will some day be in the minority in America. What goes around, comes around. You reap what you sow. Love thy neighbor, or at least give them the space to do their own thing. Et cetera.

In the meantime, could white Europeans please knock it off with the racist remarks? You’re making the rest of us look just as dumb as YOU. And for the record, although I identify myself as a dumb, white European, some of my close ancestors were Native Americans in Central Illinois. In spite of this, I don’t make jokes about hanging round the wigwam smoking the peace pipe. Mkay?