(Long Island, NY) There are some studies out now which indicate that in some cases, cell phones can “excite” certain areas of the brain closest to the phone. It really is a shame that for many, this is the only part of the brain that is active during phone use. Take the driver yakking away in the middle of traffic, for example. This is a prime example of someone who is not merely happy appearing like a total dingbat; they also insist on posing a hazard to the rest of us in the process.
What can we do about these idiots? Invariably, the guy in the SUV who cut you off at the last second is using a cell phone. That half-asleep person in the mini-van going ten miles an hour slower than the rest? Ditto.
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
I thought long an hard about a solution to this problem, but unfortunately, my answer is totally illegal in the U.S. Did you know that in other countries, you can purchase cell phone JAMMING DEVICES? Many countries already employ these little electronic marvels in restaurants, cinemas, and libraries—at least according to what I read. What a fabulous idea? Imagine being able to whip out a little box you can aim at the ding-dong who nearly killed you in traffic just now. With the press of a button, the conversation is over, they suddenly look around like the startled sheep that they are, and actually pay attention to the road for five seconds.
Or how about that person in front of you in the supermarket, talking so loudly (about nothing) that the entire store can hear the conversation? Again, the press of a button, and the dingbat is silenced, and you can go on scanning the brain-dead headlines of People Magazine in peace. Are you dying to know whether Brad and Angelina are going to have a two-headed mutant love child? Now you could find out without also having to endure some suit-and-tie knucklehead’s stock negotiations.
Why are these cell phone jamming devices illegal, anyway? Think of all the lovely peace and quiet we could have! No more annoyance at that stupid musical ringtone. Wait for ‘em to answer, then zap the call out of existence! You finally get a sense of relief after years of listening to La Cucaracha ringing over and over again as you wait another half an hour to check out at the shopping mall.
Of course, the cell phone zapper won’t solve the problem completely, because idiots will always BE idiots. I remember when the most offensive thing you could find behind the wheel was the guy with the newspaper, reading instead of hitting the accelerator when the light went green. Why were they ALWAYS reading the Wall St. Journal? No longer, now we have musical ringtones and RSS feeds to distract Johnny Day Trader from his rightful driving duties.
If cell phones really DO cause brain mutations, these dorks are going to be the first to go. TO this I say, PLEASE HURRY UP AND DIE. The light has been green for ten years now, you’ve cut me off one too many times, and I have no sympathy left in me. If I were crazy enough to own an SUV, I would have rammed this guy already. I would love to see the look on his face as his phone goes flying out of his hand into his coffee cup.
Alas, it is not meant to be. I can’t get any satisfaction on the road from either the intentional rear-end collision, or the cell phone jamming device. Do I want to be sued from here to eternity? No. Johnny Day Trader can not only afford to pay for the three car pileup he caused by not paying attention to traffic while gossiping about the latest office drama, he can also afford to sue me into next year.
This is one of the reasons I no longer drive, except on very rare occasions. I’ve had it with three and four dollar-a-gallon gas, potholes, cell phones, Johnny Day Trader’s urgent phone calls, and SUVs. I find it much easier to tune out the cell callers in the supermarket knowing that they won’t be able to kill me on the road later. It’s a great feeling, and I save a ton on the insurance. Even so, I do dream about owning a cell phone jammer.
I suppose I should probably ditch my own cell phone before screwing up other people’s calls, eh? Now THAT is the American way; complain about a massive problem while contributing to it.
How do I sleep at night?
