(Long Island, N.Y.) I’m tired and cranky, so in case that comes through as I write this review, I’ll just preemptively apologize now. But don’t worry- I’ll try my best to be a professional, even through a lot of what Hollywood pumps out these days makes that difficult. Case in point: the remake of the 1981 fantasy film, Clash of the Titans, directed by Louis Leterrier (of 2008’s The Incredible Hulk).
Now, if you’ve read my column here for any length of time, you’d probably know that I, like so many out there, am sick of Hollywood’s insistence on remaking almost every movie ever created, even if they were made perfectly well the first time around. Will Smith even gave his son Jayden a birthday present by producing a remake of the Karate Kid and giving him the starring role, despite the kid’s complete lack of charisma or acting ability. Nepotism rules! But wait, I’m getting off track.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, remakes. I hates ’em. But when it was announced that Clash of the Titans was getting the treatment, I wasn’t actually offended by the idea. Now, I loved the original as a kid. It was a creepy and atmospheric trek into the bizarre and fascinating world of Greek Mythology, loaded with personality. However, it also had an abundance of cheese, and Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion work was a tad primitive-looking even back then (while I absolutely LOVE stop-motion animation on its own, I usually hate it when it’s inserted into a live-action film; it just doesn’t mesh well, in my opinion), two big reasons I felt that Clash of the Titans would actually benefit from a modern-day retelling. And well, yeah, Clash did indeed come through pretty well in that department, but it also forgets about what made the original work so well, despite its shortcomings. The result is a very pretty movie with tons of eye-blistering CG, but no brains or charisma whatsoever.
Clash of the Titans is the tale of Perseus who, unbeknownst to him, is a demigod and the illegitimate son of Zeus, ruler of the gods of Mount Olympus (played by Liam Neeson, who just plain rules), after a tryst with a human woman. Bad news: this particular woman was married, and when her hubby finds out, he casts his wife and Perseus out to sea to die. Zeus makes sure the baby is rescued (but not the mother…that’s cold, dude) by a kindly fisherman who raises Perseus as his own. A few throwaway scenes take place to obnoxiously drive home how much his new family loves him, and then we flash-forward 12 years so adult Perseus (Sam Worthington of Avatar and Terminator Salvation fame) can watch the family that loves him so much die at the hands of Hades, god of the Underworld (played by Ralph Fiennes). Of course, Perseus gets mad and vows to kill Hades.
While all this is going on, there’s another plot where the human race, created by Zeus, is now turning against the gods of Mount Olympus for…well, they never really bother to say what, but they’re peeved about it, whatever it is. The humans start pulling down statues of Zeus and that’s got the Big Man annoyed. The gist of it is that Zeus needs the love and prayers of humans to remain strong, and with the humans being all belligerent and all, Hades convinces Zeus that they need to stir things up and release this giant thingy called the Kraken to kick butt. Zeus, despite normally being a nice guy, is all for it. They target this city called Argos after its Queen stupidly dares to compare the beauty of her daughter, Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) to the Goddess of Hotness herself, Aphrodite. Biiiig mistake. Hades shows up and declares that Andromeda must be sacrificed in 30 days or the Kraken will stomp the city flat. Perseus decides this is the perfect chance to get his revenge, so he goes off on a quest to destroy both the Kraken and Hades himself. But even with the blood of Zeus flowing through his veins, is he up to the task?
Alas, Clash of the Titans is like every movie made nowadays- all flash, no substance or personality (the original had it the other way around). I’m not kidding when I say that the second you walk out the theater, the movie is forgotten; it’s THAT generic and by the books. You never care about one character in the movie, not one second is spent establishing who they are, so you feel no tension or empathy for them whatsoever. I’m actually getting bummed by how commonplace this filmmaking approach is getting lately; you just don’t find yourself on the edge of your seat anymore. Also, thanks to how good modern CG is, it’s getting impossible to be awed by anything you’re exposed to. You’re reduced to basically watching a Playstation game, but in that case the least they could have done was attach a controller to the seat in the theater so you could make Perseus actually do something unexpected and interesting. Just a thought.
In defense of the remake, however, I have to say this: a lot of critics who wax nostalgic about the original Clash are complaining that, in the 2010 version, Perseus isn’t motivated to go on his quest by the love of Andromeda, but instead for revenge against Hades. That the original was, in fact, a love story, and with that element missing, the remake loses out. But those people tend to forget that, in the 1981 Clash of the Titans, Perseus had never even met Andromeda. After spying on her with his invisible hat like some creepy stalker, Perseus just shows up in the throne room, answers a goofy riddle to win her hand, and…well, that’s the extent of their heartfelt relationship that drives the whole movie. He doesn’t know a thing about this girl, yet the clod still feels compelled to fight every creature out of Greek Mythology’s Bestiary to save her. Meanwhile, I feel like I accomplished a lot if I remember my girlfriend’s birthday. I’m tellin’ ya…some guys just try too hard.
Personally, I don’t get all the praise being heaped on Ralph Fiennes for his portrayal of Hades. He skulks around like Quasimodo, speaks in this annoying, raspy whisper, and looks like the bum with male pattern baldness that pestered me on the subway the other day for a dollar so he could buy rubbing alcohol. Needless to say, he’s the least imposing god of the Underworld ever and was much better as Lord Voldermort in the Harry Potter movies. Liam Neeson, on the other hand, with his long hair, beard, gleaming armor and cape, cut quite the majestic figure as Zeus. When he walked up to his throne, spun around for dramatic effect, and decreed “Release the Kraken!!” in a booming voice, I got chills. Seriously. Even in cruddy movies, Neeson manages to rise above the material and be watchable. Neeson was a fantastic Zeus, and a great successor to Sir Laurence Olivier, who played the Lord of Olympus in the 1981 original.
As for Sam Worthington, he is officially the blandest lead actor in the history of celluloid. How in the world did he manage to get thrust into the limelight out of nowhere like this? I just don’t get it. All he manages to convey with his performance if that he’s kinda mad, and his Australian accent is now slipping through more than it did in Terminator and Avatar put together. Mads Mikkelsen as Draco, leader of the Praetorian Guard, is enjoyable, and the rest of the cast is solid but nothing special. I guess it’s hard to do any serious acting when you’re playing opposite a giant green screen.
I must at least give major points to Clash of the Titans for it’s imagination when it comes to visually depicting its world- the CG, for the most part, is top-notch; both the breathtaking designs of Mount Olympus and the various hideous monsters that try to eat our intrepid hero are beautifully conceived and executed. I especially enjoyed this version of the evil Medusa, with her mane of living snakes adorning the face of a lovely, porcelain-skinned human woman. Nice contrast, there. The skeletal boatman was quite effective as well.
Overall, the Clash of the Titans remake is a decent way to kill time, but not much more. If you’re just looking for some action, it’s a good bet, but just be prepared for a film that doesn’t suprise you or involve you on any emotional level at all. You’ll most likely watch it, leave the theater, and not spend another thought on it as long as you live. That doesn’t make it a bad movie at all, but shouldn’t we want an experience that’s a bit more lasting than that? We used to get it years ago- when I was a kid, I’d go and see fare like Raiders of the Lost Ark and run out afterwards wanting to BE Indiana Jones. But I can’t see anyone wanting to be Perseus. Take that as you will.
As a side note: if at all possible, avoid watching the 3D version of Clash of the Titans and instead see the regular 2D version. Apparently, the movie was filmed solely in 2D but the studio forced the filmmakers to shoehorn the 3D effect in late during post-production after then saw all the dough Avatar was raking in. As a result, the 3D in Clash is barely-existent and terrible. Just a friendly heads-up from your pal Chris at Long Island Exchange.
