(Long Island, N.Y.) Oh, good! It’s been at least three or four weeks since I’ve seen an action movie where a rail-thin supermodel beats the crap out of men who outweigh her by at least 100 pounds. Because, you know, that happens all the time in real life. Don’t get me wrong…I know movies are all about suspension of disbelief, but there’s gotta be at least some grounding in reality for it to work, and watching a woman who looks like she sustains herself with a steady diet of water and Tic-Tacs manhandle guys the size of Bob Sapp just doesn’t swing it, ya know?
Thus, I present to you, my loyal readers, this week’s review: Colombiana, the new movie written and produced by French action god Luc Besson (The Professional, The Fifth Element) and directed by Olivier Megaton (Transporter 3).
Colombiana is your basic revenge flick. So, what USUALLY happens in revenge flicks, you ask? Well, let me tell you. First, someone the main character loves is usually killed. Then, the main character goes into training. Then, the main character goes out for revenge. People die, the end. And, to detriment, Colombiana doesn’t stray from this tired formula for one second of its running time.
As our movie opens in the beautiful, drug-infested country of Colombia, Cataleya Restrepo (Zoe Saldana) watches her parents get murdered at the behest of a mobster named Don Luis (Beto Benites). Cataleya is then sent to the States to live with her uncle (Cliff Curtis), who spends years training her to be a stone cold killer. Fast-forward 15 years, and Cataleya is now killing off Don Luis’ thugs, clearing a path of blood and guts straight toward the man who took her mom and pop from her all those years ago. Um…that’s about it.
Remember my earlier reviews, where I used to basically describe the plots of movies in such detail that you almost didn’t even need to see them? Obviously, I’ve toned that down recently, but I couldn’t write an overblown review like I used to with Colombiana if I locked myself in a hotel room for a week with no TV or telephone. It’s THAT bare-bones.
Of course, The Professional, Luc Besson’s 1994 masterpiece (back in the days when he still used to direct), didn’t have the deepest plot, either. So what makes THAT one so great and Colombiana so ‘eh’…? Well, Besson had this knack for infusing his movies with colorful, quirky, and memorable characters in addition to loads of carnage and viscera. And when you have that combo, who needs extensive back stories? However, the problem with Colombiana is that there’s none of that rich personality or charm amid the bloodletting. None of the characters have any real defining traits or endearing characteristics. They’re all just kinda…there, and as a result, you don’t connect with any of them. That’s really weird to see in a film with Besson’s fingerprints on it.
It doesn’t help that Zoe Saldana’s best performance in her career thus far was playing a blue cartoon cat in James Cameron’s Avatar. In any flesh-and-blood role I’ve seen her in, she’s always come across as flat and, dare I say it, boring. Colombiana doesn’t change that.
Olivier Megaton really isn’t to blame…he’s just the hired gun here, and does a solid enough job moving the film along. Most of the real action doesn’t happen until the second half, but Megaton manages to keep the slower first half from getting bogged down too much, despite the best efforts of the scene-killing Saldana. The fight scenes themselves are well-done, with the exception of trying to pass off twig-girl as a ruthless killing machine. Still, overall, Megaton runs a pretty tight ship, which surprised me considering what a middle-of-the-road affair Transporter 3 was. I was expecting less here, which is maybe why I’ve giving him so much credit.
So, Colombiana isn’t that great a flick. It pains me to say that, but even though this movie is as generic and unoriginal as can be, I still have to give Luc Besson a pass…mainly because he gave me a wonderful gift a few years ago in the form of a film called Taken, starring everyone’s favorite vengeful father, Liam Neeson. So, as long as Besson eventually stops stuffing his puss with crepes suzette long enough to give me a sequel to that much-loved slaughterhouse of a movie, he can go slumming with all the Colombianas he wants.
But hey, Luc…that goodwill generated by Taken won’t last forever. Bear that in mind.
