(Long Island, N.Y.) As a horror movie (which it was billed as), Drag Me To Hell was a complete failure. But as a comedy, it was HILARIOUS. But don’t take my word for it…ask the entire audience of the showing I went to. They laughed and cracked jokes non-stop during the entire thing. That’s never a good sign.
Seriously, it’s a horrible movie, but of the ‘so bad it’s funny’ variety. Director Sam Rami (of Spider-Man fame) apparently couldn’t decide if he wanted to make a straight horror film or an over-the-top camp-fest like his classic
Evil Dead series, and as a result Drag Me To Hell wound up more goofy than creepy. The atmosphere wasn’t scary in the least, suspense was non-existent, and the film and relied on cheap, clichéd horror flick tactics (fake scares, music swelling unexpectedly) to try and make you jump. And when it actually TRIED to be horrifying, it usually wound up humorous instead. I mean, a killer handkerchief? A battle royale in a car between the heroine and toothless old lady trying to gum her to death? A re-tread of the ol’ “swallow the flying eyeball” trick from Evil Dead 2, except this time done in poor-quality CG? A trash-talking goat? Demons possessing people…and then dancing? Rami’s been doing stuff like this for years, and it’s wearing thin.
So, the main point Drag Me To Hell tries to make is that apparently gypsies get mad and curse you to an eternity of torment in Beelzebub’s infernal realm for just about darn near anything. When the film first opens, a flashback scene set in 1969 shows a Spanish couple unsuccessfully trying to have a curse placed on their child removed. The result? They get to watch as Satan himself actually reaches through the floor and drags their kid into a fiery pit. What did this poor child do to deserve such a grim fate? Well, he stole what appeared to be a .25 cent necklace from some old gypsy woman! Hey, the kid even tried to return it, but she wasn’t hearing it. No, no, no, you can just go to hell, boy. Literally.
Fast forward to the present. Christine Brown (Alison Lohman), a young and ambitious loan officer at a bank is vying with co-worker Stu Rubin (Reggie Lee) for the recently-vacated assistant manager position. Christine is feeling immense pressure- first, from her boss Mr. Jacks (David Paymer), who wants a real “go-getter” for the job, and second, from her loving boyfriend Clay Dalton (Justin Long), whose parents have high expectations for their son’s choice in a potential wife.
Enter Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver), an elderly Gypsy woman and customer of the bank. Seems Mrs. Ganush can’t pay her bills and wants to leech off of the bank some more, and Christine has the misfortune of being the loan officer forced to deal with her. However, being a nice person at heart, Christine tries to help the old deadbeat get a third extension on her house loan, but her boss nixes it (He sarcastically says “It’s YOUR call.” Obvious translation: “You better not give her that extension, I’m just testing you to see if you can make the big decisions”).
Anyway, the boom is lowered on Mrs. Ganush and she starts whining about losing her home, accentuating her rant by drooling delicious yellow sludge all over the desk. Christine, still a nice person at heart, tries to suggest alternate places for granny to live, like with the grand-daughter that co-signed the loan (“I don’t want to burden my grand-daughter.” Sure, but you’ll burden the bank? Thanks). Instead of thanking the nice girl for trying to assist her, the disgusting old crone steals her candy and makes a loud scene, embarrassing herself and blaming Christine when everyone in the bank has the audacity to stare because she’s making a fool of herself. Later, Mrs. Ganush shows up in the deserted garage where Christine parks her car to sic her evil handkerchief on her, drool some more of that delightful goo on her face, and finally steal a button from her coat so that she can place a curse on her! Honestly, the reason she cursed Christine was so flimsy that I couldn’t take it seriously, and when the initial premise for a film’s plot can’t be taken seriously, you have a hard time really getting into things moving forward.
The rest of the movie involves Christine randomly wandering into the parlor of Rham Jas (Dileep Rao), the only palm-reader in the city with legit psychic powers, who informs her and her obligatory disbelieving boyfriend that she’s been cursed. Just like the child in the opening scene, Christine will be picked on by a pretty mean demon for 3 days, after which he’ll DRAG HER TO HELL (sorry, I couldn’t resist). As the demon bullies her by doing things like manifesting itself as the now-deceased Mrs. Ganush (she died the next day? So what did she need the house for?) for some fun drool-and-maggot vomit sessions, creaking old iron gates, and tossing her into furniture, Christine grows more and more desperate and with Rham’s help, she sets upon finding a way to break the curse before it’s too late.
By some chance that you skipped my opening paragraphs, I’ll just re-iterate here that Drag Me To Hell is a fairly bad movie.
The scariest thing about it, in my opinion, is that it’s getting almost universal good reviews across the board (except here, that is). It has a “Certified Fresh” rating of 93% on Rotten Tomatoes (a website that collects review data), based on 152 reviews (142 “fresh”, 10 “rotten”), with an average rating of 7.8 out of 10. I…I just don’t get it.
As stated above, aside from the rampant jump-scares, there’s no tension or real horror on display in this movie at all. And of course, it’s chock full of Rami’s usual filmmaking tricks, including odd camera angles, fast, shaky zooms and pans, and human bodies containing more blood than anyone ever could in real life. There’s a scene where Christine has a nosebleed that turns into (at least) a 5 gallon-gusher that soaks her boss (“Did I get any in my mouth?!?”), and she doesn’t even appear light-headed afterwards.
However, that’s not to say the movie was COMPLETELY bad. The actors seemed to have fun with their roles, with Alison Lohman especially embracing the off-kilter mood of Drag Me To Hell. Her character starts off fairly sweet and earnest, but as she’s subjected to more and more demon tomfoolery she starts to crack and get edgy ala the Ash character from Rami’s Evil Dead series (though she stops short of chainsawing her hand off, thankfully). Also of note was Lorna Raver as Mrs. Ganush, who really seemed to take her role seriously as a gross, vindictive old lady with an axe to grind. Justin Long (of Jeepers Creepers fame)
