(Long Island, N.Y.) One thing I’m thankful for this year: Facebook. I’ve been able to find long lost friends and stay in touch with my family–all good things, for sure. But the ability to re-connect in a click has presented a tiny little friendship problem for me. In fact, the whole “friending” phenomenon had opened up a can of worm for lots of people these day. So I took my awkward Facebook friend issue to the expert and thought I’d share her response, since many of us are scratching our heads about tricky facebook relationships.
I reached out to Irene S. Levine, PhD–a psychologist, journalist, and professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. She blogs as “The Friendship Doctor” on The Huffington Post and on PsychologyToday.com. She is the author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Overlook Press, 2009) and provides advice about female friendship on TheFriendshipBlog.com
Dear Irene:
My BFF from high school and I were so tight–even beyond our school years. We never had a falling out or a fight, just suddenly stopped talking a few years ago. I friended her on Facebook recently. She friended me back…and then, total silence on both our parts for many, many months.
It’s awkward. I still do care about her dearly. So strange to look at her life without me in it in any way. She feels like a stranger. Was it wrong to request her friendship on Facebook before clearing the air? Should I let more time pass? Make the first move? Any advice you can share about a failed friendship and Facebook would be very helpful!
Janene
Dr. Levine’s response:
During the high school and college years, women (and men) change tremendously as they begin to mature and pursue their life goals, both personal and professional. Because so much change taking place, it’s common for friendships, even very close ones, to fall apart as lives and interests diverge.
Since you friended your BFF on Facebook and she responded, there must still be some warm feelings between you. But they may be based on shared history alone rather that the on the two people you have become.
She has become somewhat of a stranger to you now as you are to her. Why don’t you send her an email or private message on Facebook and tell her a little bit about your life since you last knew each other? You can mention that you think of her dearly. See if she responds.
But please don’t think of the friendship you had as one that failed. It worked for that period of time. And don’t have unrealistic expectations of picking it up where you left it. It may or may not work now.
In any case, you have little to lose by reaching out and trying.
Best,
Irene
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I’m going to act on Dr. Levine’s advice by reaching out to her and suggesting we meet up for coffee when I’m in town. And just maybe (if I find the guts), I’ll send her the book, with a little note inside suggesting we talk things out. Yikes…wish me luck!
