(Long Island, N.Y.) You know, I love horror movies. Love ’em. But they’re liars, mind you…terrible, terrible liars. They’re always promising to end their respective
series, only to pop back from the dead just like the antagonist of any self-respecting slasher film after you think the hero has finished them off. Its like,
when they made Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, which was followed by eight sequels (I’m counting Freddy vs. Jason in there). Or, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, which of course, wasn’t actually the
final nightmare. And so on and so on.
Now, in the case of Friday the 13th, being a big Jason fan, I’m actually happy the producers were untrustworthy and kept pumping out new installments. But some series…they just need to go away and stick with it. Case in point: Final Destination. Now, I’m not going to say that the series is crap or without entertainment value; in fact, I’ve had my share of fun watching these movies, which all share the same exact plot: teen has a premonition about an upcoming disaster, prevents the deaths of their friends, Death gets pissed that his plans have been mucked up and starts killing them off one-by-one via silly yet ultra-gory “accidents.” Due to that hook, the Final Destination series was kind of cool early on, but pretty much peaked with the second movie. By the time the supposed “Final” Final Destination film, called The Final Destination (did that all make sense? I
hope so) was released in 2009, the franchise had pretty much played itself out. But, I guess The Final Destination made gobs of dough, because now we have yet another sequel on our hands…Final Destination 5. And it’s in 3D! Whoopee!
I don’t have to tell you the plot. It’s the same as in every other installment of this damn series, except that the disaster in this one involves a bridge collapsing as opposed to a traffic pile-up or a plane crash. Otherwise, it’s the same thing…Death (who is talked about as if it’s an intelligent being, but is never actually shown) gets mad and starts killing off the cast. As usual, the kids eventually discover a plan to defeat Death, but as usual, it never works, and the result is just filler in-between
the fantastic and complex kills, which remain the series’ calling card. Yes, if you’re a gore hound, you’ll be happy.
I’d delve into the cast, but they’re all interchangeable nobodies and stereotypes except maybe for Tony Todd (known for the Candyman films), who’s considered one of the heavy-hitters of horror. Here, he plays the most common of horror characters: the Mysterious Man Who Knows Everything So He Can Provide Exposition To The Audience. Every horror movie needs one. Friday the 13th had Crazy Ralph, and Final Destination 5 has Tony Todd. Personally, I prefer Crazy Ralph, but whatever.
I will say that the tone of this movie is somewhat darker than the rather comedic fourth edition, which is a rather welcome change. After all, why should you root for characters to live if their deaths are all played for laughs? I’m not saying that Final Destination 5 is gravely serious, but it at least tones down the goofball humor a bit. It’s still pretty wonky in parts, however.
But, in the end, all of my complaints are moot. If you’re a horror fan, you will no doubt get some degree of satisfaction from watching yet another Final Destination movie, since there ARE a lot of things here to appeal to the average fan of the genre, such as hot girls and loads of blood and guts. If you’re expecting more from Final Destination 5 then you’re delusional, since when do we ever get anything different or experimental from a modern, big-budget, studio horror movie? A Silence of the Lambs-style film only comes along maybe once every generation, sadly. But, until the next horror opus that comes along and actually attempts to push the genre in a new direction with intelligence and characters that actually contain more depth than the paper the script is typed upon, movies like Final Destination 5 will keep us numb with buckets of blood and intestines.
It’s just a shame that our expectations have been set so low these days.
