(Long Island, N.Y.) I’m not sure what happened with Grown Ups. On paper, this movie read like a “who’s who” from the world of comedy: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade, and Rob Schneider are all in the lead roles, and the supporting cast is made up of guys like Colin Quinn, Norm MacDonald, and Sandler regular Steve Buscemi. The pieces were all in place for a flick that would test the endurance of funny bones across the nation…how could it all go so very wrong? Well, it’s easy when you look at the collective pedigree of the film’s stars…
Adam Sandler’s career is far past its comedic peak. Chris Rock is this generation’s greatest stand-up comic, but has never made a good movie. Ever. David Spade and Rob Schneider are both b-level comedians who aren’t funny. As for Kevin James, I can’t really speak about previous stuff; I’ve never watched The King Of Queens (although people assure me that it’s good), and I somehow missed the majesty that was “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” But in Grown Ups he’s just yet another guy ruining the movie. In fact, no one stands out…meaning, the performances are universally bad across the board. Well, except for Buscemi, who seems to be to Sandler films what John Ratzenberger is to Pixar. Sort of.
So, what made this movie an exercise in pain? Well, first there’s the plot, such as it is. A bunch of kids play on a grade-school basketball team, grow up, are told their coach died, they attend the funeral, and then decide to catch up by spending the weekend at a rented lakeside house. Other movies can weave all that into a deep and beautiful coming-of-age tale or something, but in Grown Ups, all of that is covered in the first 3 minutes or so. The rest is an incomprehensible mish-mash of scenes and gags that seem almost randomly thrown together. Oh, there’s some side-plots thoughtlessly tacked on about how the wife of Adam Sandler’s character (played by Salma Hayek) takes her job as a fashion designer too seriously and their kids are little snobs, but none of it amounts to anything. Oh, and the basketball team’s childhood rivals show up to harass our heroes at a water park at one point, but since the movie didn’t bother explaining who they actually were until about 45 minutes later (when they have a “dramatic” re-match of their championship game from years before), I just got confused.
But the lame and bare-bones plot isn’t Grown Ups’ greatest crime, oh no. It’s not even the fact that the movie is unable to elicit even one decent laugh during it’s entire running time. No, Grown Ups’ biggest affront against humanity is that it’s actors supply their own laugh track whenever someone makes a joke. Any joke. Remember back when Eddie Murphy did stand-up and used to crack up at all his own punch-lines? It’s like someone made a whole movie based on that, but somehow removed all the humor that Murphy brought to the table. What we’re left with is a film where characters constantly make wise-cracks followed by their friends breaking into laughter TO REMIND US HOW FUNNY IT IS. Only, it’s not. But really, even if the jokes WERE funny, the laughing wouldn’t be doing them any favors. But laughing at BAD jokes…? I swear, there were parts I thought Chris Rock looked like he was going to cry.
And when Grown Ups isn’t unsuccessfully trying to be funny, it’s boring. Actually, it’s boring even when it’s trying to be funny, but I’m sure you get what I mean. It just plods on and on and on until it cruelly teases us with ending at one point, only to go on for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone appears to be going through the motions, as if they know how bad the movie is, and none of the characters have any chemistry whatsoever- you never get the feeling that the people were childhood friends. The film is bland, shallow, and takes genuine effort to watch.
Amazingly enough, one of the guys I went to the screening with had already sat through Grown Ups once before, and I couldn’t understand how. I mean…how? He never said he actually enjoyed it, but unlike me, he didn’t show any obvious signs of physical discomfort, either.
And the fact remains that…he managed to watch it a second time! And this same individual hated 2009’s District 9, an amazing and highly original film that I deeply love…I, I just don’t know.
By the way, there’s a lot of talk about how M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie “The Last Airbender” (review coming soon!) is a strong contender for Worst Movie of the Year honors, but I can’t see what that movie could have done wrong that Grown Ups didn’t already blow out of the water. But, we shall see!
Anyway, if you’re the type of person that skips to the last sentence of a movie review just to get to the point, here it is: Avoid Grown Ups at all costs. It’s bad. How bad? REAL bad. Have a happy Fourth of July!
