(Long Island, N.Y.) Okay, Halloween 2 broke the streak- after 3 solid offerings, director Rob Zombie finally put out a lame flick. As a fan of his, I’m actually pretty bummed. I had a bad feeling when it was announced that creepy heavy metal god and horror movie buff Rob Zombie would be in charge of the sequel to his remake of 1978’s Halloween. If you read my review (of course you did, dozens of times in fact, but in case you wish to indulge yourself once again, click HERE), you’d know that I was quite the fan of Zombie’s 2007 treatment of John Carpenter’s horror classic.
Bucking the Hollywood trend of producing unnecessary carbon-copy remakes of movies that never needed the treatment to begin with, Zombie gave us a unique take on the mute masked serial killer Michael Myers. Expanding on Carpenter’s film, Rob delved into Myers’ largely unexplored childhood, covering his fledgling first murders, his incarceration and eventual escape from a mental institute, his intense relationships
with his mother and therapist, and finally his quest to find Laurie, the baby sister he’d been separated from for years. Stalking her with the intention of reuniting with the last living member of his family, Myers murdered her friends and nearly killed Laurie herself after she rejected him, only to have the tables turned on him at the end in the form of a bullet to the face. Halloween was a tight, fast-paced and horrific movie that paid ample homage to the original while completely standing on its own at the same time.
The problem with doing a sequel to the remake of Halloween, however, is that Zombie’s first outing with Myers’ legend was a very self-contained story, with a very definitive ending that didn’t lend itself to a sequel. In fact, Zombie himself previously stated in interviews that he had no interest in doing another Halloween installment, and that a sequel would in fact cheapen the tale. And honestly, I agreed with the guy. Now, I don’t know what happened since 2007- maybe Herman Munster’s hotrod popped up on Ebay and Rob couldn’t afford it or something- but I’m sure it was the allure of money lured him back into the fold. After all, Halloween was a huge financial success and the producers were probably only too happy to offer Zombie enough dough to buy…I dunno, maybe a castle straight out of a
Hammer film filled with scantily-clad Frankenstein women wearing luchadore masks or something. ‘Cause Rob digs that kind of weird stuff.
I’ll have to admit that I just couldn’t see what Zombie could do with the story in a sequel, so I was biased against this from the start. And that bias stuck with me all while watching Halloween 2…the utter pointlessness of it all, the total “been there, done that” feeling that filled every frame of film. But it just wasn’t that fact that soiled the sequel-
there were other things at play, like a lack of compelling characters, humor, and purpose. Oh, there’s a few odd stylistic speed bumps as well, but we’ll get to those in a moment.
Halloween 2 picks up right after the first movie ended. Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton), the (unbeknownst to her) sister of Michael Myers (Tyler Mane), is wandering down the streets of Haddonfield, IL, after plugging Mikey point-blank in the puss with a .357 magnum.. Picked up by Sheriff Brackett (Brad Dourif), she’s taken to the Emergency Room along with the other survivors of Michael’s rampage: her friend, Annie Brackett (Danielle Harris), and Michael’s former therapist, Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell). What follows is a lot of unnecessary and gross close-ups of surgery, and then a scene where a presumed-dead Michael winds up being not so dead after all and makes good his escape, disappearing for parts unknown. Fast-forward one year, and Laurie is now a basket case
after her ordeal. The year has not been kind to her, as the formerly charming and sweet Laurie has turned into the most annoying film character ever, complete with the official “tramp stamp” lower-back tattoo, a mall-goth Hot Topic wardrobe, and a new “DUDE, I JUST WANNA PARTY PARTY PARTY” attitude. I wanted her to die horribly, and when you’re feeling that way about the supposedly sympathetic protagonist of a movie, you know you got trouble.
The audience is then informed that it’s now October 31st, so of course that means that Michael (who has a thing for the holiday) has to come back from the random backwoods field he’d been vacationing in to once again find his little sister (I bet if he knew how supremely annoying she’d become he
might deep-six that idea). Only now Mike’s being guided by a ghostly apparition of his late mother, Deborah Myers (Sheri Moon Zombie), and her white horse, which is supposed to signify wanting to go home or some poppycock that Zombie read in some second-rate Psychology pamphlet. Oh, did I mention that the visions of Deborah are accompanied by a vision of a young Michael Myers (Chase Wright Vanek, recast because Daeg Faerch grew too much in the past 2 years) as well? Anyway, Ghost Mom and Little Mike beckon grown-up Mike to return to the town of Haddonfield once again to get the family back together and kill anyone that gets in the way. And anyone that doesn’t.
Meanwhile, the arrogant Doc Loomis has just published a best-selling book about what happened in the last movie, and is very indifferent to the fact that a lot of the info in said book exposes sensitive secrets of those affected by the Myers tragedy. But once the return of Michael is made public, Loomis’ last shred of decency kicks in and he once again tries to track down his former patient and put an end to the carnage. But can anything stop an stinky 7-foot killing machine who just wants to please his dead mommy’s wishes?
I dunno…Halloween 2 was just bad. Zombie’s overall style, which used to be fresh, is now getting really stale. He showed significant growth early in his directing career between his first two features, but now just keeps going back to the same old tired bag of tricks- grainy footage, epileptic cameras, unlikable lead characters, crude dialogue, played-out classic rock soundtracks…what initially came across as gritty and realistic now just amounts to stagnant film-making. Zombie even resorts to milking all the usual horror movie clichés, such as the “bad guy appears in the medicine cabinet mirror” gag. That one never gets old. Oh, wait, it does. REAL old.
Even the bloodthirsty members of the audience will be found wanting while watching Halloween 2. Don’t get me wrong, the film is graphic and bloody to no end, but the kills were really random (in the original Mike only killed those in his way, now he
goes out of his way to kill nobodies for no reason), and while brutal, lacked any style or imagination. Just STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB REPEAT. Over and over. Plus, you won’t give a damn about anyone Mike kills, more so than any recent slasher movie…his victims were all just interchangeable hunks of meat with no character development, devoid of anything resembling a memorable trait. The plentiful death scenes blend together and actually get boring after a while (hmm..how does that make me sound?).
By the way, Ghost Mom and Little Mike were just horrible ideas. Aside from blatantly ripping off slasher rival Jason Voorhees’ mommy complex, the surreal dream imagery was cheesy and didn’t gel with Zombie’s otherwise gritty and realistic style. It was interesting how Little Mike would appear and answer for the silent grown-up Mike whenever Ghost Mom would ask him a question, however.
In the end, the Halloween remake was a very self-contained story that actually had some emotional resonance. Halloween 2 ruined that with its terrible story and paper-thin characters that added nothing to the mythos. It didn’t need to be made, and it has sullied Rob Zombie’s otherwise impressive portfolio in the sense that it shows his regression, not progression, as a director. By the way, Zombie’s next project is slated to be yet another remake of a classic horror icon- this time it’s The Blob, the 1950’s flick about a giant killer glob of Jell-O. I wonder how that’ll come across, given the Zombie treatment. Time will tell if Rob will continue to tread water and keep producing the same movie over and over, or re-invent himself as he so desperately needs to do. The man HAS the talent to do so, and I wish him the best.
As for the final
word on Halloween 2…it’s not good. See it if you’re really desperate to see a guy’s head stomped flat for no reason by a big bearded hillbilly wearing a crusty old Shatner mask, but otherwise, go and rent a Friday the 13th movie instead. You’ll have way more fun.
