(Long Island, NY) A recent AAA survey of gas stations has Long Islanders paying around fifteen cents shy of three dollars per gallon. This, by all that is sane, should make Long Islanders take to the streets with protest signs, burning Exxon in effigy and create a three-day kegger to celebrate the new fad of simply…not…driving.
Of course, it will NEVER happen.
The simplest thing to do to combat high gas prices is to demonstrate in no uncertain terms that we are, as the old movie Network so aptly put it, “mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.” A mass boycott of privately purchased gasoline would certainly be a fine thing to see. Mass transit could be THE way to go, if the American public would simply park their precious cars and say phooey on three bucks a gallon.
And while that is happening, we’ll discover a cure for everything, end all wars, and invent a hot dog that’s actually good for you.
Pardon my rampant cynicism here, but as Long Islanders continue to shell out like suckers for fossil fuel, we’re making our own problems. Me? I parked the car for the whole weekend and either walked or took public transport where I needed to go. I saved myself at least half a tank.
Of course, I am the exception. Certainly. One look at the LI Expressway can tell you that we are never ever going to start walking everywhere. Too bad. Fitness levels would rise, waistlines would shrink, and we could all spend a fortune buying fab new clothes instead of dumping that money into the tank. How would you like to buy a new top or a pair of snazzy jeans once or twice a week instead of filling up?
Now you’re getting the picture.
You are actually depriving your wardrobe by driving your car. How unfashionable it is to drive when you should be buying clothes and accessories!
Think of it—you get rid of your car, plus expensive liability or full coverage insurance. This could free up an incredible amount of cash per month—all of which you can use to improve your closets. Those designer shoes you’ve had your eye on since forever? Now within your financial grasp, and all you had to do was ride the LI rails or take a bus.
And let’s not even DISCUSS the amount of money it takes to repair and maintain a vehicle. Who needs it? Spend your money on YOU, not that idiot car. You could easily buy a brand new computer AND a laptop every single year for the cost of the upkeep of a vehicle. Ho ho, OPEC would certainly go as grey as a ghost if they thought for a second that people would rather spend their hard-earned dollars on fun and fashion rather than motor oil, transmission fluid and brake pads.
The Middle East’s stranglehold on American economics via high gas prices would suddenly melt away. Iran and Iraq would probably go into the textile business (because that’s where everybody is suddenly spending all their old oil money) and learn how to sew designer clothes. They might even start talking to each other again. By the time its all over, an American boycott of cars could bring the final, lasting peace to the mid-east after all. You can’t load a gun when you’re too busy trying to stick a piece of thread through the eye one of those damned needles. One hand has to hold it steady while the other puts the thread in. You need somebody to hold the bloody flashlight for you in the first place, so these countries had better get on speaking terms and quick.
Oh, wait, that is never going to happen. People would rather kill each other over oil, ethnic background, or who’s going to Hell and who isn’t, than figure out how to live together long enough to get some real work done.
Still, I can dream, can’t I? It all starts with you. Sink your dough into your closet instead of your car; you’ll be happier and skinnier, too. The peace in the Middle East thing? Well, we have to give up all the cars first. If we do our part, chances are those OPEC countries will get very interested in helping us spend our new-found fortunes in ways that have nothing to do with oil production.
That’s the dream, anyway.
