(Long Island, NY) A recent set of problems with the Long Island Rail Road system left commuters grumbling. A suspected gas leak, plus a broken down train in need of a ‘rescue car’ and half hour delays gave LIRR riders headaches, rolling eyes, and clenched fists; all symptoms of “impatient commuter syndrome”.
Why so cynical about the LIRR breakdown? That’s an easy one. Ever spent any time in a car during a New York rush hour? I rest my case. Delays, inconvenience, and frustration are par for the course each and every day on many stretches of road all over the USA, and all those dummies, sitting one-to-a-car, pound their dashboards with anger as they sit watching the gas gauge needle sink lower and lower, traffic moving about as fast as an elephant covered in molasses. Those who board the train get whisked along to their destinations reading, listening to music, spaced out on drugs, and/or alcohol. All over New York, a train ride is an easy one, if you can get deal with whackos, stoned out day-trippers, drunken tourists, and grouchy writer types. The delays may be a pain, it’s true, but it’s still better than being a highway zombie.
The higher gas prices rose over the summer, the more I scoffed at the fools in their cars, wasting all that gas, polluting the environment, getting stuck in traffic, and listening to Rush Limbaugh. Fooey on them! “Clueless sheep, these die-hard drivers.“ I thought to myself.
But it turns out that I’m totally wrong for hating the car.
Imagine what would happen if all those drivers suddenly discovered the train. Think of it! All those cars, abandoned on the sides of the road, in parking garages, and side streets. There’d be even less room on board at rush hour than there is now. It would be a wretched ordeal; try to imagine what it would be like, jammed inside the LIRR wall-to-wall with all those ex drivers, grousing about how they missed their Jags and BMWs, how things were so much better when they were sitting bumper-to-bumper, how the LIRR should pipe in Al Franken or Limbaugh.
“I say, Buffy, you can’t even hear your cell phone conversation over all the OTHER cell phone conversations! It’s a terrible bore.”
No, it’s a very good thing indeed these people are on the highways. We’d never see the end of them if they started infesting the trains. You think you’ve got it bad with a few delays and a couple of broken down trains? Wait til the trains start REALLY breaking down because of the added weight of all those extra passengers, their laptops, briefcases, and double-tall nonfat mocha lattes with extra foam. The amount of all that extra foam alone could be enough to cause an environmental action alert due to excessive vapor from plasticized coffee cup interiors.
Folks, we need all those cars on the road to keep the LIRR freed up for the rest of us. Every single delay on the tracks should serve as a reminder that we could be “one of THEM” on the road, waiting as a tow truck comes to hoist yet another wrecked car off the road. Yet another accident delay, no doubt caused by a bozo driving with his cell phone plastered to the side of his head. The LIRR has no such inconveniences, only the usual weather-related issues, mechanical failures, or track repairs to hold things up. When you sit in your LIRR seat, waiting for some minor inconvenience to be taken care of, remember that the LIRR never gets a flat tire. Riders of the train will never see the “check engine” light suddenly come on, or have to worry that they may be burning oil.
Let those four-wheel junkies fret and fuss over those things.
As for me, the only worry I have is that one day those drivers really WILL wake up and stop paying nearly four dollars a gallon, plus insurance, plus parking, plus oil changes, plus new tires, plus…plus…plus. The day they figure it out is the day the LIRR truly does become unbearable.
