(Long Island, NY) An alleged scam involving fake defensive driving certificates is a hot topic in Suffolk County after the arraignment of a state court officer from Kings Park. According to published reports, customers were recruited for the bogus certificates for about fifty dollars each. The certificates were filed with the Department of Motor Vehicles; those who paid up got back on the road with no worries, certificates clutched in sweaty palms as they lurch back into traffic.
Any good officer of the court will tell you that those accused of running the defensive driving scam are innocent until proven guilty, but it does make one wonder how long this has been going on, with how many scammers, and for what kinds of traffic offenses? Are those who ponied up fifty bucks a pop merely speed-limit scofflaws? Are they red-light runners? Joyriders out for a bit of fun with a six-pack of beer and a carton of smokes?
A long, long time ago, the lead singer of the punk rock band Dead Kennedys ran for office during a controversial mayoral race in San Francisco. Part of singer Jello Biafra’s platform included banning all cars from the city limits. While some may consider this step to be slightly extreme, it would certainly put an end to traffic court scammers. Rumor has it that any move to put an end to Long Island’s dependence on motor vehicle traffic will be met with armed resistance, so perhaps a less radical solution is in order.
The late gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson, author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, once ran for sheriff of Aspen. On his platform, if memory serves, Thompson proposed establishing a standardized set of bribes for city officials, which would ensure fair and equitable graft for everyone, and not just those who had large bank accounts.
Everybody laughed at Thompson back then, but nobody in Suffolk County is laughing now. The vision of thousands of drivers who potentially got off cheap by paying the fifty dollar bribe—allegedly, of course—is too much for those who broke the law, got their traffic tickets, then forced themselves to endure an actual defensive driving course. You can picture them slapping their foreheads in disgust. “You mean all I had to do was pay a BRIBE?”
Yes, folks, a standardized board of bribery would do the trick. EVERYBODY could have free and equal access to the kinds of graft, corruption, and back door dealings that politicians, state officials and Roslyn school district honchos currently enjoy. In the meantime, until we get some kind of fair and equitable solution, until the whole state can participate in the dirty deals, we’ll just have keep the dream alive through a grass-roots movement—a bit like the one allegedly set up by that court officer from Kings Park. He’s really a hero, if you think about it. If the officer truly did operate such a scam, let it be an example for the rest of us. Get out of your easy chair and shout—GRAFT FOR EVERYONE!
Oh, and barring that, some kind of restitution for everyone in Suffolk who really DID go to Defensive Driving class would be nice.
