(Long Island, N.Y.) Machete started life as a fake trailer attached to the 2007 Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino “Grindhouse” double feature, but the crazy, violent, and altogether awesome-looking tale it suggested garnered enough fan reaction that Rodriguez decided to convert it into a full-length, feature film. Maybe he should have just left it alone. I seem to be going against the grain here with my opinion of Machete, as it’s getting positive reactions for the most part, but I’m not buying into the hype. Aside from maybe 2 or 3 really awesome scenes, this movie is terrible. However, I’m sorely tempted to say that these 2 or 3 scenes are actually SO awesome that they’re worth sitting through the rest of the movie for. Indeed.
Danny Trejo, a re-occurring player in Rodriguez’s cinematic universe for years, stars in his first lead as the eponymous Machete, reprising his role from the Grindhouse trailer. He’s plays a Mexican ex-Federale turned day laborer who’s picked up outside of Home Depot for a job by Michael Booth (Jeff Fahey, also returning from the trailer), a local businessman. No, Booth doesn’t want Machete to mow his lawn or clean his pool…he wants him to assassinate the evil Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro), a man whose political agenda involves building an electric fence to keep illegal Mexicans out of the United States. Oh, and hunting and shooting them with his buddy, Von Jackson (Don Johnson), but that’s supposed to be a secret. Machete reluctantly takes the job, but is soon double-crossed and left for dead. Gathering all the huge pointy things he can find, Machete sets out to teach the bad guys they just messed with the wrong Mexican!
Sadly, Machete was probably made 10 years too late- Danny Trejo came across as a beat-up, broken-down old man who can barely fight, walk, or even move. He’s still amusing in little bit parts, but as the main character in his own movie he was actually boring. I know Trejo has been elevated in geek culture to the exalted status of other B-movie icons such as Bruce Campbell and Jeffery Combs, and personally I think he deserves his accolades from all the fanboys. But as a leading action star? No.
Too many corny, talky scenes, too much bad digital gore (especially where physical gore effects would have worked better- that’s just lazy), and barely any good laughs brought this movie down several notches for me. Plus, most of the action scenes seemed poorly staged and filmed, which is an oddity in a Robert Rodriguez movie. Instead of just having a blast within the exploitation genre’s conventions (which is what he claimed he was going to do), he wastes too much effort trying to build up his multi-character story, focusing more on the bad guys and co-stars at points rather than Machete, which had the effect of rendering him marginalized. The same thing happened in Rodriguez’s “Once Upon a Time in Mexico,” with similar negative results.
Machete has a pretty eclectic ensemble cast, and most of them add a great deal to the proceedings to distract from how bad Trejo is in the lead. Michelle Rodriguez was a stand-out, playing her usual tough-girl role that she always plays, Cheech Marin was funny in his short appearance (again, his character was in the original Grindhouse trailer), and Robert De Niro seemed to be having a blast with his part. It’s the first time the legendary actor’s looked alive in a film in years. Oh, and Jeff Fahey was just plain awesome, although a bit more grizzled-looking than he was back in the fake trailer.
However, Jessica Alba was bland as always, and Lindsay Lohan was not only terrible, but her character (and her obvious body double for her “topless” scene) was completely pointless.
And the end fight between Machete and “guest-villain” and tubby former 80’s action star Steven Seagal looked like two crippled old men in the park swinging their canes at each other. But while that whole scene was just sad, Seagal himself was pretty entertaining in his role as a Mexican drug lord. And that “Bionic Man” sound effect (you know, “te-te-te-te-te”) that went off every time he drew his sword just hand me in stitches. I can’t explain why.
We all knew this couldn’t be as good as the Grindhouse trailer, but it’s just crazy to me how badly Rodriguez missed the mark here. It’s not that Machete is the worst movie ever made, or even the worst movie released this year or even this month…no, it’s crime is the wasted potential that oozes from every frame. Still, the scene where Machete uses a foe’s intestines to swing through a window to safety is worth the price of a ticket alone. Too bad the whole movie isn’t that unhinged…
