(Long Island, NY) I told myself that my first screed for 2008 would NOT be about politics. It’s too flimsy to be considered a New Year’s resolution, so I didn’t worry too much about breaking my promise by writing about that Huckabee guy. The one running for office with God as his Vice Presidential running mate. (For you too-literal folks, this is SARCASM here.)
I have to repeat for the millionth time; I am NOT a political writer. I’m just a guy who watches the candidates make boffins out themselves on television. I don’t know MORE than you, I just know what looks like a home run, what looks like a foul ball, and what looks like bottom of the 9th, runners on First and Third, two outs, and strike two.
When I saw that Huckabee was actually gaining ground in Iowa, for any length of time ahead for ANYTHING besides the race for dogcatcher, I absolutely could not believe my eyes. The notion that we are taking this guy seriously for any reason at all makes me want to seriously think about Quebec. I’m taking French lessons online now, wondering if I can learn to love snails.
For starters, the religious issue is completely out of hand. We had this nonsense back in the 80s, remember? Have people gotten a brain wipe since the insufferable waste of our tax dollars that was those Senate hearings on rock music lyrics? The one that Tipper Gore helped push into the mainstream media?
That’s just one example, naturally, but you’re a smart reader and you know where this is going. The fact that we had to put up with a religious debate between Huckabee and Mitt Romney boggles the mind. Oh, for our founding fathers, who are creating quite a gust of wind spinning in their graves. I yearn for Abe Lincoln who was bold enough to have said “The Bible is not my book, Christianity is not my religion…”. Today, that would probably be the kiss of political death. Imagine, a candidate who decided to actually speak their mind! Nope, the White House race could never sustain somebody who spoke what they REALLY felt.
Even better would be a candidate who said, “Hey, believe whatever you want. But MY beliefs are private. I can assure you that they don’t include declaring holy war on anybody, and the Golden Rule is pretty nifty too. But otherwise, what I do in the privacy of my own mind is NoneYa.” As in, “None of your business.”
But we don’t have candidates with this kind of moral fiber. We have candidates who are willing to pander to any group that ponies up the votes. That could be one reason why Frank Zappa described the race to the White House as “The Olympics of Banality”. The shoe certainly fits.
Of course, my disgust with Huckabee vs. Romney with The Bible as referee will doubtless be misinterpreted by some narrow minded jackasses as coming from an atheist stance. Far from it. I have my own beliefs, thank you very much. But they are, as the candidates refuse to say, NoneYa.
What I would like to see (what will NEVER happen) is for the candidates to stick to the issues. They can’t help themselves, though. People with no real platform, no concrete plans for change, no earthly idea how to create
and enforce policies that can benefit the electorate will ALWAYS cloud the issues by dragging God kicking and screaming into the debate. “Now we don’t HAVE to talk about the plans I don’t have, because we have to argue
about Mister God.”
Explain to me WHY we should even be TALKING about THE BIBLE in Presidential debates where there are soldiers being blow to pieces on a daily basis in Iraq. Where does the Bible fit into that equation again? Last time I checked, the guys who wrote that one are ALL DEAD, and they aren’t contributing much to the foreign policy debate.
If you believe in God, can you imagine how utterly BORED he/she/it must be with this whole thing? Every election, every candidate stands on the side of the Almighty, the champion for truth, justice, and that other thing. Too bad none of these people with all the power and the glory on their side can do a bloody bit of good for that homeless guy who keeps bugging you for change, to keep another poor kid from falling into the gap on the LIRR, to keep another family from being kicked out of their home thanks to predatory lending practices.
I’ll take Huckabee and Romney seriously AFTER they trot out some concrete PLANS on how to keep the soldiers from getting killed in Afghanistan and Iraq on such a regular basis that we have DAILY OBITUARIES. What’s that? We’re AT WAR? We should EXPECT casualties? True enough. So where’s the rationing? Where’s the sacrifice at home for the troops over there? The victory gardens and the war bonds?
Don’t get me started on all that. I’m too busy boning up on my French and reading snail recipies. If we have to deal with the notion of a guy like Huckabee as a serious Presidential candidate, I may as well just buy season tickets for the hockey games up north NOW. Because we’ve lost all our marbles here. We may as well elect Pat Robertson and be done with it. Let’s announce to the entire world with a ticker tape parade and skywriters that we LIKE the kind of place America will be with a President Huckabee at the helm.
OK, that’s me all screed-ed out. Have fun at the ballot box, folks. I can assure you that this race isn’t over by a long shot, but it’s going to be a very scary run all the way up to November.
