(Long Island, N.Y.) Sorry, folks, but I can only review this movie up until about the 45-minute mark, because that’s the point that I walked out of the theater in search of something less painful, like pulling out my toenails with rusty pliers. Yeah, Epic Movie is that bad.
If you’ve seen the commercials, you know the deal. It’s a “comedy” in the vein of Scary Movie and Airplane that parodies recent films such as The DaVinci Code, The Chronicles of Narnia, and X-Men. The main characters (played by Kal Penn, Adam Campbell, Jayma Mays, and Faune Chambers, all of whom should be ashamed) are…ah, who cares. You don’t need to know the plot. There really isn’t one and besides, the movie sucks.
I really must apologize for that last sentence- I tried to think of a more sophisticated word to use to describe Epic Movie, but “sucks” is the only one that came to mind. But even that word doesn’t describe the pain of throwing $10 out the window for this garbage. I fell asleep at one point and I still hated it.
There’s a scene that parodies Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory set to that bomb of a song “Fergalicious” that made me yearn for the sweet release of death. And the movie only got worse from there.
As you may or may not know, Epic Movie was not screened for critics before its release. This usually happens when the studio executives get a look at the finished movie they invested millions of dollars in and say to themselves, “Fellas, we just flushed a ton of money down the toilet.”
Not screening it beforehand is an underhanded way of avoiding initial negative reviews in the hopes of at least making a little money off the film before word gets out that it’s the cinematic equivalent of herpes. The studio’s gambit worked, as Epic Movie was #1 at the box office this past weekend. I weep for Humanity.
Anyway, Epic Movie is bad. Real bad. There is not one laugh in the entire movie, unless they saved all the funny bits for after I left, which I doubt. I’m begging you, the readers of Long Island Exchange, not to even entertain the thought of seeing this abomination. Read a book. Re-arrange your sock drawer. Light your eyebrows on fire. Anything. Just don’t see Epic Movie.
