(Long Island, N.Y.) Well, it’s been a rather lackluster summer thus far, dominated by the usual array of flashy blockbuster films, most of which are big franchise pictures based on comic books and toy lines. And in keeping with that trend comes the latest flick designed to tap into our collective sense of nostalgia: G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra. Based on the super-popular and enduring 3 3/4-inch scale Hasbro toy line that debuted in 1982 (which itself was a relaunch of the original 12-inch line that ran from 1964 to 1976), G.I. Joe is a series of military-themed articulated action figures, vehicles, and play-sets.
G.I. Joe has maintained its popularity throughout the years not only with a stream of cool and imaginative toys, but also via a great many promotional tie-ins: comic books, cartoons, video-games, you name it, Joe has it. And in case you were wondering, here’s the storyline that drives the series, as directly quoted from the narration of its popular cartoon show: “G.I. Joe is the code name for America’s daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose, to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.” Pretty neat, huh?
For years fans have been clamoring for a live-action film based on the toy line that shaped their youth, and finally they have it. Helmed by Director Stephen Sommers, known for amazingly cheesy pap such as The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, and Van Helsing, G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra endured a lot of harsh gossip and criticism during its production. After the initial preview trailer was considered lackluster by vocal internet fans, rumors began to surface that G.I. Joe was scoring horribly with test audiences; that it was deviating far too much from the toy line and comic book that inspired it; that Sommers was secretly fired; and that the film was even responsible for famine and drought in Africa (okay, maybe not that last one). The truth of those rumors is unimportant, as the G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is now here. The question is, does it live up to its detractor’s venom, or is it actually a decent movie?
Now, I have to admit that I’m probably going to sound like a giant nerd while reviewing this. You see, G.I. Joe was a HUGE part of my childhood. I was a rabid fan of the Marvel Comics-published funny book, the toys, the games, you name it. So it’ll be hard for me to remain objective when doing my write-up, but I assure my loyal fans that I’ll be doing my best to retain my keen sense of professionalism. Seriously, I’ll just try to point out if The Rise Of Cobra succeeds as a stand-alone movie based on its own merits, although here and there I may pepper my review with some geeky critiques of some way they failed in translating my youthful memories correctly to the silver screen. I can’t help it, as based on the previews a great deal was changed for the adaptation, especially in terms of visual design. The Joes and Cobra had very unique and colorful uniform designs when represented in their respective comic and toy lines, and the movie appeared to abandon that aesthetic completely for generic combat suits apparently stolen from Batman’s closet- black and grey body armor. All of the characters we knew and loved appeared to have lost their individuality. However, Bryan Singer’s excellent films based on the X-Men comic books took a similar visual departure from their origins and that worked out okay, so I tried to have an open mind about all this. Sort of.
Now that I’ve seen G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, I must say that despite taking huge liberties with the look and some storyline details involving the characters and their relationships with each other, the movie DOES feel like G.I. Joe in the basest sense. I mean, they had G.I. Joe and Cobra fighting each other with high-tech weapons and gadgets all over the world. That’s GI Joe in a nutshell. To purists it’s almost unrecognizable, yeah, but if you took a person that knew nothing whatsoever of G.I. Joe, had them casually flip through a few issues of the comic, and then showed them the movie, they’d probably swear it was a picture-perfect translation. But at least they got some of the little basics right: The Baroness wears black leather and glasses, Scarlett is a redhead with a crossbow, Snake-Eyes is a silent ninja in black (although his mask has really big rubber lips, which look super-goofy), Storm Shadow is a ninja in white…considering how often Hollywood needlessly re-interprets their adaptations of other media, we’re lucky they at least got that right.
The story: In the near future, a Scottish guy who sounds a lot like Mike Myers doing his Shrek voice named James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) owns a company called MARS (Military Armament…something-or-other) that has created nanotechnology-based weapons. Nanobots are basically microscopic robots that can do anything, like eat an entire city, reprogram people’s brains, cure cancer, and create really delicious low-calorie Root Beer. Anyway, McCullen sells four warheads to NATO, but the US Army has to make the delivery. Duke (Channing Tatum, wooden as a Pirate’s peg-leg) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans, who was far less annoying than I expected him to be) get the honors, but are promptly spanked and relieved of the warheads en route by unknown assailants using advanced technology that they simply can’t cope with, lead by The Baroness (Sienna Miller). In the first of many bizarre coincidences, Duke recognizes The Baroness as Ana Lewis, the girl he dumped at the altar. Hell hath no fury, huh?
So, The Baroness is chased off sans warheads by the G.I. Joe team, consisting of Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who you might remember as Adebisi from HBO’s Oz, although for some odd reason in this movie he doesn’t wear a little knit hat, talk with a Nigerian accent, or violate anyone). Duke, Ripcord, and the warheads are taken to the Joe’s command center (AKA The Pit), where they meet General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), who explains that G.I. Joe is a multinational force comprised of the best of the best of the best of the…well, you get the idea. “We’re the Alpha Dogs,” Hawk boasts, and it’s explained that the Joe team is called in to save the world when all else has failed. Duke and Ripcord, having insight into the origin of The Baroness, are invited to stick around and help investigate the mysterious new syndicate she now belongs to and the global threat it represents.
We soon discover, to the surprise of no one, that the mysterious new syndicate is the predecessor to the Cobra organization, currently headed up by James McCullen. A guy wearing a Darth Vader scuba mask called The Doctor (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) has been developing the nanobots for McCullen and using them to brainwash dissidents, augment soldiers into superhumans, and even assist covert ops specialist Zartan (Arnold Vosloo, who’s always fun to watch) to impersonate anyone. Using a hidden homing beacon located in the warhead case, McCullen dispatches The Baroness and evil ninja Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun, who’s really cool in this) to retrieve his weapons (but if he needed them, why sell them?). Despite being the “Alpha Dogs,” the Joes are taken completely by surprise, whupped like little kids, and lose custody of the deadly warheads, which are then used against various targets around the world to create panic and help usher in McCullen’s era as ruler of the world.
The remaining members of G.I. Joe band together in an effort to stop McCullen, and their attempts to thwart his plans take them from Paris to Antarctica. But during the Joe’s last-ditch assault on McCullen’s underwater base, The Doctor reveals his secret past and usurps the wacky Scot, rechristening the organization “Cobra” and himself its Commander. Can even the best of the best of the best of the best stand up against a seemingly unstoppable high-tech army and their diabolical new leader?
Overall, G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra was okay.. It’s just your typical mindless summer blockbuster- instantly forgettable, devoid of any story, personality, or charisma, and chock full of really, really bad computer graphics (some of the worst I’ve seen in years), non-stop action, and things that go boom. Vapid and soulless, but certainly not horrible. I mean, it was never boring, it had fun weapons and vehicles on display, intense fight scenes, and a pretty simple yet straightforward plot. Sadly, that’s about the best we can hope for nowadays. Character development or a bit of intelligent complexity in the story might be nice, but that apparently doesn’t sell tickets to the mainstream. One might argue that it IS a movie based on toys, but the comic book tie-in managed to flesh out its characters and spin a nuanced tale, so why not a multi-million dollar film? I’m bummed thinking of the awesome movie they could have made if they had just stuck with the unique look and more sophisticated storyline of the comics, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed in a sequel by a different director, scriptwriter, production design team, and several tons of TNT.
The acting was solid across the board, although perhaps “solid” is being too kind, as this movie, despite being director Stephen Sommers most “serious” film yet, still oozed a fair amount of cheese everywhere. No one really stood out in a positive or negative way, save perhaps Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander, who really seemed to embrace the over-the-top villain he was portraying. The scenes with his character really are quite fun. It’s just a shame that, out of all the characters that received a visual overhaul compared to their plastic counterparts, Cobra Commander suffered the most aesthetically. His new goldfish bowl mask just doesn’t compare to his original mirrored battle helmet at all, which was just plain awesome. Wow…that last sentence really sounded nerdy. I warned you that might happen.
And despite being a film based on toys, G.I. Joe still manages to test the limits of your suspension of disbelief. Characters keep popping up that are unexpectedly related to one another ala Star Wars; Ripcord can pilot a highly-advanced prototype jet that he’s never seen before like a pro; Scarlett figures out that said jet’s weapons are voice activated AND respond only to Celtic, because McCullen is Scottish (ripping off Clint Eastwood’s Firefox in a really dumb way); and the previously-mentioned computer graphics need mentioning again. There are shots that are truly embarrassing in this day and age- many of the vehicles (including multiple helicopters and an aircraft carrier) look like they were rendered on an Etch-A-Sketch. And there’s a chase scene in Paris involving a CG Scarlett on a CG motorcycle and 2 CG guys bouncing around the streets in robotic CG battle suits that look incredibly fake. And poor effects aside- the lack of any noticeable human stunt work whatsoever just means that you’re watching a videogame and nothing more. The excitement of real stunt people performing real stunts is non-existent.
Like I said, G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is solid and entertaining, but brainless and forgettable at the same time- the very epitome of the summer blockbuster. If you go in expecting a live-action cartoon you’ll do fine, but don’t expect any more than that.
