(Long Island, NY) My friend Jena called my cell phone at midnight. Clearly she had been drinking a bit, her voice was slurry and she dropped the phone twice before I got any sense out of her. I asked her what was the matter. “Stupid dopey old world. Can’t get anything right around here. That McGowan guy gets off with a slap on the wrist…”
Thunk. Scrape. Cursing. Jena’s dropped the phone again. When she finally gets back on, I tell her she needs to call me in the morning after she’s slept it off. “No WAY!” she shouts. “This world is going to hell in a hand-basket, and I have PROOF.”
Ninety proof, I tell her.
“Shaddaup.”
Now is that any way to talk to a dear friend? She sounded contrite when she replied. “I just wanted to tell you about those Smithtown Eagle Scouts. Is NOTHING sacred?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Did poor drunken Jena have the McGowan case somehow linked with some innocent Eagle Scouts? It couldn’t be, and I told her so.
“But that’s where you’re WRRROONG!” she cried just as she was dropping the phone again. When she got it back into her hands, I told her she was a complete loon, and really needed to lay off the sauce. I have a lot of weird friends; Jena is just another one of the good-natured, misguided souls that managed to get my private number out of me in a moment of weakness. I vowed to myself to not only quit giving my number to every pretty face that comes along, but also to get out of the habit of answering no matter who calls or when. Clearly I need some Scout-style discipline when it comes to taking calls. Is there a merit badge for ignoring telephones and the people who love them?
I asked Jena what she was babbling about re: the Eagles Scouts in Smithtown, but it would take a minute to get the answer, because she had dropped the phone once more.
What I knew of the scouts was pretty basic local-news type stuff. Five Smithtown boys recently finished a six-year journey of hard work to attain the rank of Eagle Scout; an accomplishment that teaches kids leadership, the value of hard work, and self-discipline. Nothing could be farther from the McGowan scandal, and no matter how loopy Jena might be, I couldn’t see any way she could connect five nose-to-the-grindstone teenagers to a corrupt politico dork.
Jena was practically incoherent when she got the phone back. “You didn’t read the scandalous HEADLINES!” Jena was clearing leading up to something, so I waited her out. Whatever it was, she was going to have to make a pretty strong case. Personally, I was waiting for her to drop the phone again.
“I went onto the net to read today’s local news and there it was!” She was completely breathless with scandal. “Are you ready for this? The headline said…Eagle Scouts Indicted!”
Take a deep breath, now, and count to ten. Say WHAT?
“That’s riiiiight,” she slobbered, “Eeaaagle Scouts….INDIIIIICTED. It’s a sick, sick world, my friend.”
It was after midnight on a work night, so I really let her have it “Jena, you drunken goofball, you’ve got your glasses on backwards! That headline says ‘Eagle Scouts INDUCTED! They made the grade and got their promotion, not a police summons. It’s an HONOR, you lush!”
It got very quiet on the other end of the phone. I was sure she had not dropped the phone, though I bet she wishes she had. Right into the trash, no doubt.
“Jena, did you hear me? Eagle Scots INDUCTED!”
I heard giggling on the other end. She’d be lucky if she even remembered any of this in the morning, but I was hoping she’d feel a little embarrassed anyway.
“Tomorrow, dear girl, you are throwing out your liquor collection and going on the wagon. And a nice big donation to the Scouts might be in order.” She was still giggling when she asked, “Do the Scouts TAKE donations?”
I am sure they do, I tried to tell her, but she had already dropped the phone again.
