(Long Island, NY) The acting health commissioner in Suffolk, Dr. David Graham, said recently that there’s no need for panic or concern over the recent outbreak of E. coli. When I read that, I rolled my eyes. Didn’t we just have an outbreak of E. coli related to spinach? Graham said in an interview that E. coli is a “relatively rare phenomenon over the years”.
I couldn’t believe this stuff was coming from a certified health official. Still, to avoid armies of screaming citizens running wild with fear, such platitudes must force themselves from the throats of anybody with an ounce of authority.
I suppose on one level, the doctor is right. If I eat fried chicken twice in a year, nobody will ever tell me I am “constantly gobbling fried chicken”. But for Graham to suggest that there’s no cause for concern is a bit ridiculous. Concern is what is going to keep a lot of us away from The Bell for quite some time. It’s also what keeps some of us from eating at those places in the first place.
That notion got me thinking that I could be missing the point of the “don’t worry about E. coli” statement. Maybe Dr. Graham’s real meaning was missed by all the reporters. After all, a single outbreak of E. coli is nothing, not really, when compared to the long-term effects of America’s utterly gross obsession with fast food.
Taco Bell doesn’t seem at all yucky when you are a habitual processed food eater, but take a one-month vacation from fast food, from french fries, from candy bars. Then go back and have a nice big Mexi-Melt, a “Mexican Pizza” and a seven-layer burrito.
Trust me, you’ll see what I mean. You’ll probably WISH you had E. coli when the effects of all that wretched fast food hit you.
I can hear what you are thinking now, so please stop. There’s no need to confuse me with one of those whackos that wants to shut down all the chain restaurants, ban smoking altogether, and force everybody to pray in church on Sunday. Far from it. In fact, I want you all to continue to eat at Taco Bell. Please eat some more Pizza Hut. The Big Mac? Have TWO.
Indulge, baby. Eat all you want. Go back for some more, and don’t forget to buy some extras for a mid nite snack. The Golden Arches, The ‘Hut, and The Bell all thank you. And I thank you.
I would absolutely hate it if everyone gave up pseudo-food. It would make the price of fresh veggies go through the roof. You wouldn’t be able to find an apple or an orange anywhere. Carrots? An endangered species. Nobody would ever be able to get a seat at the sushi bar.
It’s absolutely imperative that you keep your unhealthy ways. It keeps my healthy eating affordable, and I always find a place at the sushi bar. And trust me, folks, I have my own bad habits, but none of them involve The Bell. Last time I had any of that, who knows how long ago, I felt as nauseous as if I had deliberately contracted food poisoning.
Some people just don’t have a grease metabolism.
I fully expect, once this screed is printed, that some PR flack from Taco Bell will start ringing my phone with either a “Cease and Desist” order, a threat of a defamation lawsuit, or an offer of free Taco Bell meals to help me change my mind. When that happens, I’m going to tell Mister PR Flack to take his free food and eat it himself. If I want to eat something called a burrito, I know where to find one. A REAL burrito. It ain’t health food, but it tastes a hell of a lot better than that stuff pretending to “Make A Run For The Border”. Besides, I’d rather give my money to some Mom-n-Pop Mexican joint instead of the culinary equivalent of Wal-Mart.
Think about THAT one the next time you want to hit a drive-thru window.
