(Long Island, NY) Welcome back to my humble internet column, one and all. For today’s film review we’ll be taking a look at Transporter 3, an action movie and latest installment in the popular Transporter series starring British actor Jason Statham. After reviewing several of his movies previously here on Long Island Exchange (such as The Bank Job and Death Race), I’m beginning to think that I’m something of a qualified Jason Statham expert.
Let’s see…he’s a tough-guy who’s really good at driving a car. At least, that’s what he played in Transporter 1 and 2. And The Bank Job. And Death Race. And The Italian Job. And Crank. Hmm…I suppose I should give the man credit- in an age where movie stars often walk away from repetitive yet lucrative roles for fear of being typecast, Mr. Statham just delves headlong into each and every carbon copy script he’s handed without a care in the world. Sure, Statham’s movies tend to have some odd little contrivance or plot device to help hide the fact that he’s just playing a tough-guy who’s really good at driving a car, but we (or at least I) can forgive him because the man possesses a certain degree of natural charisma and usually delivers the goods when it comes to action scenes. But does Transporter 3 signal a departure for him? Will he perhaps try being a tough-guy who’s, say, really good at riding a skateboard or a unicycle? Alas, no- he’s (yet again) a tough-guy who’s really good at driving a car, this time around the act is starting to wear a bit thin. But while Transporter 3 is a somewhat weak entry into the series, it still manages to entertain. Read on.
The whole premise of The Transporter series is that Frank Martin (played by Statham) is a no-nonsense freelance driver who delivers packages without any questions, and who abides by numerous self-imposed rules in an attempt to maintain his underground rep as a reliable professional. Frank is actually a stand-up guy, but when dealing with the seedy underworld types his occupation regularly puts him into contact with, he often finds himself the object of betrayal and on the hunt for revenge. Well, at the beginning of Transporter 3, we find Frank attempting to enjoy retirement by fishing with his French Police Inspector friend Tarconi (Francois Berleand, reprising the role for a third time). As if all this excitement wasn’t enough, one evening Frank is enjoying an especially riveting fishing video when a car driven by a mortally wounded associate of his crashes into the living room (couldn’t he have just parked out front and beeped?).
It turns out that, due to his retirement, Frank had recommended this alternate driver to a prospective client seeking his services. Currently riddled with bullets and dead, Frank’s choice for a replacement is obviously unable to complete the job, and now the shady client wants the real deal. Resistant at first, Frank is finally coerced into the job by means of a fairly unoriginal element lifted from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s classic Running Man- an electronic bracelet is secured around his wrist, and if he travels more than 75 feet from his trademark armored Audi A8 W12…well, confetti doesn’t pop out, but the wearer WILL explode into tiny little pieces. That may not be as fun as confetti, but it IS far more motivational for getting your job done.
So, what does the bad guy want Frank to transport? Well, if you guessed an annoying freckle-infested redheaded Ukrainian girl who butchers the English language at every chance she gets, you’d be correct. But this seemingly useless human being is revealed to have a use after all- she’s the kidnapped daughter of the head of the Ukrainian chapter of the Environmental Protection Agency, and is being used as leverage in order to force her father to sign an agreement to allow toxic waste dumping in their country. The plan is for Frank to take the daughter, named Valentina (Natalya Rudakova, in her first and hopefully last role), to Odessa to be reunited with her father once the contract is signed, but along the way Frank’s client proves to be less than trustworthy (note: never trust a guy who straps a bomb to your wrist). This results in several over-the-top fight scenes and high-speed car chases as only our beloved Frank Martin can deliver. Of course, the movie ends at some point, which is to be expected, but unfortunately everything else that happens up until then is as easily guessed at. Transporter 3 makes no attempt to move beyond what it is- a pure action movie. Normally, this would be fine, but there are a few nagging flaws that bog the experience as a whole down.
Transporter 3 contains all the usual stuff laid down by the previous two movies. First, you have complex martial arts scenes involving Frank easily beating the tar out of 10-20 guys at a time, while at some points shedding his shirt Captain Kirk-style so we can see how jacked he is. The fight scenes themselves are solid although poorly edited, with rapid-fire camera cuts that make it hard to follow the action. Oh, and at one point Frank is pitched through a solid cinder-block wall like a Looney Tunes character with no adverse effects whatsoever. That was interesting. 
Next, the trend of hair-pulling, forehead-slapping, over-the-top car stunts continues. Now, NOTHING can beat the scene in Transporter 2 where
Frank removes an explosive mounted under his Audi by magically corkscrewing the car through the air and catching the bomb on a crane hook (that one still keeps me up laughing at night), Transporter 3 tries its best to come close. From driving on two wheels between tractor trailers to jumping from one train car to another, your ability to suspend disbelief will be tested to its very limits. Transporter 3 is basically a cartoon, but if you go in what that mindset you’ll do alright. Throughout it all, the film manages to remain fairly fun…but then that freckly redhead rears her head and ruins everything. Ah yes, the girl playing Valentina. Supposedly “discovered” by producer Luc Besson working at a hair salon in NYC, he got her an hour or two of acting lessons and turned her loose on unsuspecting moviegoers nationwide.
Easily the most annoying female sidekick Frank Martin has ever had to endure in a series that exclusively features annoying female sidekicks, her poor English (including classic lines such as “I vant to feel sex” and “are you the gay?”) lead to many an unintentional laugh from the audience I viewed Transporter 3 with. At first, her character was all dark and brooding and didn’t want to talk to Frank, and really, who wouldn’t want to talk to Frank? He’s a nice guy. However, I didn’t know how lucky Frank (and I) had it, because once she opened up and started speaking, her dialogue scenes took a fast-paced and somewhat fun film and just ground it to a screeching halt. When Valentina wasn’t charming Frank and the audience by peeing on floors of gas stations, she tortures us with the most inane conversations regarding dinner foods ever recorded in human history (“I want veal…Ukraine have best veal…with carrot…and onion…and celery…and…”). Imagine that little discussion going on forever, and then happening several times over after that. It seriously kills the pacing of the movie. While I remained entertained by the rest of Transporter 3, it would have been much better if no one had bothered talking and a little more action had been slipped into the mix instead, which at times seemed lacking.
So, that’s Transporter 3. If you liked the first two, by all means, check out the third. It’s got most of what made the previous installments successful, but the inclusion of the freckle monster (personally, I like freckles on a girl, but this is too much…her face is like one giant freckle) and lots of horrible dialogue really hurts the film. But still, Jason Statham pulls what’s left through, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see an eventual Transporter 4 one day. Solid overall, but could have been better.
