(Long Island, NY) Did you hear about the Iraqi national detained at L.A. International? A security sweep found this genius wearing wires and…a magnet in his nether regions?
Yes, a cavity search revealed a magnet in his rectum. This news comes as no surprise to me, but to some it is damn near incomprehensible. The very idea of smuggling something–ANYTHING–down there is unbelievable for the average American.
What’s even freakier is the fact that Comedy Central has, all weekend long, run a marathon of South Park episodes which include several stories similarly obsessed with things either going into or coming out of people’s rectums.
What is this freakish synchronicity? I demand ANSWERS! Comedy Central must have had some kind of supernatural prior knowledge, and assembled a broadcast schedule accordingly. These Comedy Central psychics need to go to work for the government to help ascertain the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden.
And what is this obsession with both terror AND putting things into one’s nether regions for the purposes of smuggling? I am completely bewildered by this turn of events. In one episode of South Park, the Cartman character resorted to swallowing treasure which later on erupted rather violently from his, er, nether regions. In real life, the Iraqi national had that magnet stuffed into himself, a sort of buried treasure all its own, at least to him.
Transportation officials announced that there was never any threat – at least from the crazy rectum-smuggling man’s luggage, which was inspected on a layover in Los Angeles. You see, the man was detained, but his luggage was allowed to go on ahead. The plane was stopped to make sure the luggage compartment was safe.
This irritates the hell out of me, because the last time I tried to switch flights after my bags had already gone out, I was stopped cold in my tracks, told that I could not under any circumstances be on a flight other than my luggage.
I always think of the right thing to say after it’s far too late, but in this case, I had no choice. The right thing to say wasn’t apparent to me until I saw this news story, months after the fact. But if I had to repeat the whole thing again, I’d simply point out that while airline policy was certainly there to protect the passengers, it did NOT seem to apply to those who were in the business of stuffing metallic doo-dads into their hindquarters.
The next time I fly, I will prepare accordingly. Doo-dads on stanby.
